Ever since my dentist started bribing me with laughing gas, the stress of sitting in his chair is gone. Plus, I get pearl white teeth AND a nice little buzz... Just wish I'd had my little high while I was checking out the magazines in his waiting room. Page after page were ads directed to women like me- aging soccer moms who looked in the mirror one day and said OMG, I can't pass for 35 anymore. Wait. 45 might be a stretch, too!
Fortunately, according to the ads, there are doctors who can perform so many miracles, well, it's a miracle. Like showing up at the supermarket and discovering a whole vanity aisle.... facelifts, liposuction, mesotherapy, permanent lash extensions, threadlifts, veneers, spray tanning and my personal favorite, laser tattoo removal. Then, of course, there is still the meat and potatoes procedure- Botox.
Trouble is, not only are these turn-back-the-clock services out-of-pocket expensive, shhhhh, there are risks. Medical researchers now suspect that Botulinim toxin type-A, the active ingredient in Botox, might be leaking into the temporal lobes, giving a whole new meaning to the term brain freeze. Some choice we get. Loss of brain function or showing up at the next high school reunion with a pleated shade where our foreheads used to be.
No wonder all of these ads offer a free aesthetic evaluation. In case we're on the fence, the caring staff can point out the obvious. We're not what we used to be. It also explains the tempting headlines? LOVE THE WAY HE SMILES AT YOU NOW! Is that because you'll have a steak in one hand and a beer in the other? YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO. Yes I do. I want to slap the girls who swear they've had nothing done after disappearing for a week... WANT TO KNOW HOW SHE DOES IT? Do tell. How does my neighbor juggle an affair with her trainer and still find the time to run the holiday gift wrap sale? ONE WEEK TO A NEW YOU! But I don't want a new me. I want a new couch for the den and friends who won't forget my birthday.
It all begs the question, why are we being made to feel bad if we don't want to get rid of the bags under our eyes, the hair over our lips and the cellulite on our thighs? Our mothers and dare say our grandmothers never got the evil eye because of flabby butts and breasts that did the limbo ( HOW LOW CAN YOU GO????)
I think in suburbia especially, where there is no escaping the neighbors because they've got the same routine- school, the gym, the mall, the movies, Applebees, church or temple- it's hard to stay confident when it seems that so many other ladies are investing in being ageless.
Not passing judgement. Who doesn't like being pampered or want to give their appearance some safe and painless sprucing up? I just wish that the take-home message was different. That happiness will forever elude us if we opt to be a fixer-upper instead of a woman in mint condition. Say nothing of the fact that with the scary cost of living, a lot of us need the money for the real bare necessities: the mortgage, the supermarket and gas.
That's why I say if you're good to yourself and the people in your life, you're a beauty! Besides, you may be able to spend thousands to fool the mirror, but you can never fool the stairs!
