Does anyone play golf worse than former President George H.W. Bush?  I certainly hope not.  He makes former President Gerald Ford look like Sammy Snead by comparison.  When he swings, he generally hits a screaming grass burner 30 yards, and then he curses.  Then he swings again.  He probably shoots 140.  Maybe more.  He’s also the Honorary Chairman for First Tee, a nonprofit organization that promotes character and life enhancing values through the game of golf.

What are these life enhancing values one can expect from the game of golf? According to First Tee’s website they are:  integrity, sportsmanship, respect, confidence, responsibility, perseverance, courtesy, judgment, and honesty.   Now that’s a lot of enhancement!  In my 52 years of hacking around on golf courses in various locales about all I’ve learned are 30 or 40 standard jokes told so many times I want to kill the next person who repeats any one of them.  And if those eraser-less pencils were meant to promote honesty in scoring, my contribution to the wonderful world of golf is to alert all those who keep track of such things that those little pencils don’t work.  At least they don’t work among those that I play the game with.  I always seem to end up with the worst score, except, of course, when I am the one keeping score. 

Now, I don't always travel with a full set of golf clubs, but I’m not a nitwit.  I have learned other character building virtues from golf.  For example, golf courses don’t like you taking your own refreshments onto their property.   They would rather sell you some of their own—for about triple the price charged by others.  I’ve found that slipping your own flask of a “performance enhancing” beverage into your bag is a lesson that everyone should master early on.  It can help keep you warm on a cold blustery day, it sharpens your judgment, and it definitely improves your courage.  Why, after just half a flask, you’ll also find your confidence will soar. “Lay up” will become a term that makes no sense at all.  You’ll always have the courage to “go for the green” no matter what lies ahead, and no matter the distance. And if you persevere until that flask is empty, you’ll find that your sportsmanship quotient improves dramatically.  You may find yourself applauding others’ shots—sometimes on their backswing even before they’ve hit the ball.   And finally, you will respect the golf course more.  You may find yourself replacing not only your divots, but everyone’s divots, even to the extent of causing gridlock by all those following you.  And the fact that they are screaming obscenities at you only confirms your own integrity over theirs.   I wonder how First Tee works these virtues into their curriculum? 

First Tee tells us that they teach a variety of “life skills” experiences designed with the primary goal of having fun.  Now that’s a goal I certainly endorse.  In fact, I discovered this aspect of golf long before First Tee ever came into existence.  For example, running over a golf ball with your golf cart is fun by anyone’s standard,   especially if that ball is laying out in the middle of the fairway.  Who plays from the fairway, anyway?  Only those show-offs who’ve taken lessons and are always worrying about their handicap.  How can there be any fun in that?  The real fun is venturing into the woods among the rabbits, squirrels, and the snakes.  I even found a leprechaun in one lonely stretch of woods.  And there’s always more balls in the woods than out there in the fairways.   Take a bag and take your time.  The woods are lovely, dark, and deep—and you have promises to keep.

It’s also fun to disobey that “90 degree” rule.  What possible difference is there between an 85 degree turn and a 90 degree turn?  And to stand this rule on its head, why bother to turn at all?  It’s a lot more fun and more efficient to drive your golf cart in a straight line right down the middle of the fairway…till you find a convenient place to go into the woods.  There’s also less traffic and less chance of getting hit by an errant ball.

Conventional wisdom has it that the true measure of golfing fellowship ends at the “19^th” hole.  Well, I’m here to tell you it only begins at the 19^th hole.  In fact, any golfer worth his weight in golfing paraphernalia knows there must always be a real watering hole located between his house and the golf course where drinks are priced with the working man’s budget in mind.  Throw in a good juicy hamburger, a nice looking waitress, a sexy stripper and some mood music, and you have what I call the “duffer’s paradise.”

Well, those are my thoughts on things learned and ventures taken.  I’m not ready to concede anything to First Tee.  They’re too young, too squeaky clean, and have too much money.  And here’s one more thing I believe right down to the core of my illegal shoe spikes:  Never trust a spokesman who shoots more than 120.  They should make him wear a dunce's hat and carry a  calculator to keep score.