According to the Right-Wing Fruit-of-the-Loom Bible, all the US Congress needs to do to make everything “all better” is to pass a few laws. Well, let’s help those sons-of-butchers out, starting with these laws:

1. Castrate every US male resident with an IQ below 99. There went 165 million nut jobs. (Pun intended).

2. Make every US legislator pass a Breath-a-lyzer test before every vote. That will take care of about 50 percent of those who cheated on Law #1.

3. Deny any legislator a vote who cannot distinguish Shit from Shinola (Check their shoes. This group will shrink faster than Sara Palin’s boyfriends).

4. Lob off 50 percent of all Tally-whackers that are under 3 inches. We’ve got to be close to zero by now.

5. Staple the lips together of any legislator who demonstrates an inability to recite the first 10 whole numbers of our numbering system without using a tape measure or a 12-pack of beer.

6. Stick a fork in every legislator’s head that is softer than a hard boiled egg as measured by Moh’s Hardness scale.

7. Banish any legislator who thinks Moh’s Hardness scale is a sex toy.

8. Remove any legislator who is married to his uncle’s wife’s sister twice removed from her brother.

9. Erase any legislator who believes Donald Trump has any lead in his pencil at all.

10. Incarcerate any legislator who can find his or her way to Mar-a-Lago without sniffing the air starting from 50 miles away.