Ever considered a penguin for a pet?

I always thought penguins were fascinating birds, so when my daughters started reading Mr. Popper’s Penguins, I giggled along side them over the storybook antics. In Mr. Popper’s world, penguins become valued family pets. At first Mr. Popper puts air holes in his freezer so the penguins can sit inside and cool off (without suffocating), but eventually he renovates his basement into a huge freezer locker, ice rink and slide included, to accommodate his pets. For the purpose of the story, the birds reproduce at an extraordinary rate – beyond believable – until they are numerous enough to go on the road performing a circus act to pay for their upkeep.

To counteract all the tomfoolery of the story, (and to keep the girls from eyeing the ancient smokehouse outback with ideas of turning it into a penguin iceland), I decided we ought to learn some real life information about these odd birds.

The initial appeal of penguins is their appearance. Penguins dress better than any other bird; their plumage mimics formal tuxes. This is because other birds get “dressed” by the cook.

Penguins tend to get swallowed whole by leopard seals, so God dressed them ahead of time. They’re never underdressed for dinner.

You probably think that sounds morbid, but penguins can be pretty morbid themselves. Take, for instance, how they check to see if the water is safe for swimming. They all gather along the edge of the shore, pushing and shoving each other until somebody falls in. If Unlucky Charlie doesn’t get eaten, it’s safe. If he does get eaten, well…. Kind of like a witch-hunt, don’t you think?

In some breeds, female penguins have combined the whole hassle of reproduction with keeping their husbands from developing the couch potato spare tire. The female penguin lays two eggs, then leaves on an eating frenzy. Her mate is left to sit on the eggs for seven weeks – with nothing to eat. During this time he lives off his body fat, losing about 45% of himself in the process. If wifey-pooh doesn’t return on a designated date, he abandons the nest to fill his stomach.

To make up for lightweight feeling of having lost all his body fat, mister penguin need only take a dive. Don’t challenge one of them to a deep dive contest, because these guys can go 1,766 feet down. At 1,200 feet, they feel 40 times their weight. (Is this why whales only eat microscopic food?)

I guess the penguins aren’t bothered by their slim-trim reproduction habit, because in September, no matter where they are – even 3,000 miles away – they return to their original breeding grounds. Bottle that hormone and sell it.

They have the parenting issue worked out well, too. Their chicks are independent and on their own in two weeks. We can’t even potty train a kid in two weeks.

I still think penguins are neat birds, but don’t look for any holes in my freezer any time soon. My husband likes ice cream too much.
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