A piece on being alone.

I've been "alone" (without a partner, I mean) for about 15 yrs. I've come to realize a thing or two.

One, when you have someone, you forget how awful being lonely is. This forgetfulness is a bit like the old "doubled-edged sword" analogy. It's good to feel the lack of that void but at the same time, you can become to0 relaxed and often come to the stage where you figure you don't have to worry about keeping her/him with you. You get careless...maybe even reckless. Because of not recalling what being totally on your own is like, you take chances.

I often use my bipolar mood disorder as a shield: it was because of IT that I screwed up. For the last several yrs, that was my reasoning for me destroying my first marriage and hurting my first wife so bad that she'll never totally forgive me. I had "wandering eyes", that time. Funny thing is, I was never fully unfaithful (did not bed another woman) but my conscience caught hold of me and, pfft! Over in just 13 months. As I said, now I blame this on my condition but recently one my sisters, whom I care for deeply and whose opinion carries weight, said: "Maybe you were just being a cad."

Well, after that first fiasco, I dated around 11 woman. Many of these "dates" were of the "one-nighter" variety and probably don't count for much. However, including my second wife, there at least 4 that actually involved Love, as I understand it.

My second was and is a great person. We lived together before marriage, taking away some of the surprises and, perhaps, some of the joys. We had a girl and a boy. My bipolar flared up again, with the addition of epilepsy. This made it almost impossible to get and keep job so my wife was usually working overtime or even two jobs to support the four of us. i enjoyed being a stay-at-home Dad; perhaps too much. i thought we would merrily go on like that, forever.

My wife, who was hard-working and ambitious, would have none of that and we grew apart. In 1995, i think it was, we ended it. This time, she divorced me.

As I said above, while in the relationships, I felt pretty invulnerable. When they terminated, loneliness would rear its ugly head and I would remember: "Shit! This is what it was like!"

Well, I hope you folks aren't ready to ask me: "Do want some cheese with that whine?" All I know is, from now on, I'm going to remember what it's like to be alone and build healthy relationships that last.