Many of us know or live with someone suffering from a mental illness, in this article I try and capture the emotional battle that takes place between the suffer and a family member. Many years of working with the homeless and mentally ill persons has given me insight into what I have tried to convey here, I hope I did this very difficult subject some justice.
At what point, do we become even something that we don’t understand. That final moment of absolute awareness that leads us into a nightmare -surreal awaking that brings us to that edge, that very edge of the abyss. And yet we stare into it, unaware of the hapless state we have arrived at, it is sad and sobering to be so close to wishing it all away.
I spent many years sharing another’s nightmare considering the wide open -closed eyes of someone that repeated that it just doesn’t matter. I watched with closed mouth at an ever-twisting muscle locked jaw and madding insults at the world around him, to hate beyond normal boundaries, blame the very soul for all that the world exposes in its uncaring caravan of mindless undefined indifference.
All I could do was listen and think what a life to fear so much and laugh at all that seemed impossible among his daily course. What an amazing ride into someone’s else’s waking nightmare. They say he suffers from bi-polar, schizoaffective disorder and nothing is real beyond the echoes of his mind, everyone is to blame for everything that has happened in his life. He swears at the very fabric of life, everyone that crosses his way, he damns the very sunlight, and rages at the moon and condemns sleep, for robbing him of seeing those that hate him from the shadows. I set silent watching almost afraid to express a thought, then I see a smile a glimmer of humanity hidden deep down inside this being of self-induced pain and for a moment I can only wonder why. I cannot offer a cure a way out of this for him there is none he truly is lost with in the hate of all that surrounds him, I can only watch and listen. I can’t even feel remorse or sadness for this being all I can do is try and understand that it’s not the world that has abandon him or sunlight not even the stars at night, the damnist thing is that he really cares he just can’t express what it is he cares about without letting the rage come in. "I want to die! he screams and kill the world around me, fuck you all! you meaningless fakers, clowns of meaningless self-belief". And I watch the rage again build, build in his eyes as they dart back and forth searching for a point to focused on, a reason to claim victory, yes he needs more help than I can ever give he needs more understanding than I’ll ever know, and yes he needs to be told I love him! but I can’t say that because his rage will ignore the mere fact that though his suffering, a suffering that is weighed upon his burdens, Can you hear me my friend. He’s not heavy he is my brother and I will listen and always care as he rages against the night and "cries" through the sunlight.
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When you indicate that he is saying something, quote marks would be appropriate. The word should be "cries" in the last line.
Ron