Sometimes, we give up marriages and even worse, our children for the love of a company. We get so caught up in the game, in our own career, in the next success. We think, if I can make it to the next level, the intensity will wear off, things will slow down. Then I can spend more time with family. We don’t stop to ask, what will I lose with all of this winning?

Barnett/Winning Page 1 of 5

The trigger to re-evaluate

"I am a recovering workaholic. In the early part of my career, I emphasized work above all else. Not taking vacations is not a value to pride yourself on. I found a different perspective after my husband as diagnosed with kidney cancer. Illness brings up mortality issues and what is really important. But as time slipped away from the surgery it was easy to resume prior practices. The trigger makes you realize what is truly important, but it fades with time.”
Nancy Haslip, finance

People often reach a new realization after suffering a life crisis: divorce, a serious illness or downsizing. After a traumatic event people often take time for reflection and to re-prioritize their lives. Sometimes the trigger to seek balance comes in time to ward off impending crises - an affair, alcoholism, burnout or depression.

Putting balance into practice

My trigger to re-evaluate was not one large dramatic event, but series of small events that led to an unmistakable conclusion.

I began seriously considering balance as my marriage unraveled in the mid-1990s. At that time, Stephen Covey’s book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, was climbing the bestseller charts. I agreed in principle, but couldn’t see how I could fit balance into my already overcrowded life. I attended a Covey seminar with several of my managers. After lunch, Covey spoke on putting first things first. I heard him, really heard him, for the first time.

As the meaning of his words sunk in, I remembered that my daughter had stayed home sick from school, alone that morning. There didn’t seem to be a better time to find balance. I left the seminar and drove home to my daughter, still in her pajamas.

Covey’s principles of balance helped me step off the fast track to small town life in Kentucky. I knew it was likely that I had lost my marriage but I was determined not to lose my daughter. She was already 13, with only a few years of parenting remaining. I had already missed out on so much of her childhood, I wanted to be there to guide her through the teenage years.

Spinning out of balance

“I was home alone - no husband, no kids. For six years I had done nothing but work. My job was my friend, my family. When I was at home sending out resumes, I didn’t want more power, more influence. I wanted more love.”
Catherine Weeks, transportation
Sometimes, we give up marriages and even worse, our children for the love of a company. We get so caught up in the game, in our own career, in the next success. We think, if I can make it to the next level, the intensity will wear off, things will slow down. Then I can spend more time with family. We don’t stop to ask, what will I lose with all of this winning?

More than multi-tasking

"Family comes first. I work hard at leaving the office on time. During the workday, I focus 100% on my work. At home I focus 100% on my family. I may work some more on my laptop after the kids are asleep, but I spend time with the children. I won't know if it is enough until they grow up.”
Bertie Wherley, manufacturing

By living your life in balance, you not only positively affect your family and community but all of the people who will work for you over a 40 year career. It is critical that we recognize that balance is more than multi-tasking, more than cleverly cramming more into each day. Most of us are already overworked and overwhelmed by multiple roles and responsibilities. Balance is more than compartmentalizing our roles as professionals, parents and spouses.

For each of us, balance is a personal matter, driven by our values and goals. Our definition of balance changes over time with different stages of our life. When our children are small, it is most important to give them a solid grounding. Empty nesters on the other hand, can commit fully to their profession. We wobble out of balance when we live our lives in opposition to our goals and values.

Balance begins with an inventory

"I just about lose my mind – I can't do it all, but I'm still expected to do it all. I have to sit back and re-evaluate.”
Jeanie Ray, sales

Balance begins by taking an inventory of your life. As we reach mid-life, we learn that we have a finite source of time and energy. It takes pacing and prioritization to last through the long haul. Look inward and determine what you want out of life and what is worth doing. Focusing on what is most important in the long run, helps us minimize the distractions caused by daily political battles and crises at work.

When you take the time to sort through your values, you’ll discover your top priorities and bring your goals into focus. Balance comes from asking the hard questions and honestly evaluating the answers, from forgiving your mistakes and making peace with
your past. You can’t undo what has been damaged, but you can start fresh, and do better tomorrow.

Asking the hard questions

Start by asking, who am I really? Who are the people who influenced me to this stage of my life? What do I want to achieve in life? Is ambition still burning brightly, driving me towards career success? Or have I reached a level of success that allows me to relax and enjoy what I’ve accomplished?

Ask yourself, “What is the most important thing to me? Will the things I’m working on today still be important next week, next month, next year? Do I like the person I’ve become? Am I as good or better parent than my parents? Am I investing in my marriage?”

Take a hard look at the person you are becoming. If you stay on this path, what will your life look like, five, ten or twenty years down the road?

How much money and success are enough? Are you pursing your goals or someone else’s? Does your work fit your personal sense of purpose? Do you believe in what you’re doing?

Ask yourself, “Am I in harmony with my spouse and our life goals or am I drifting through life without goals, merely reacting to opportunity and crises? What is the payoff? Is it worth the price?”

Question what your future looks like. “Am I making the right decisions towards a future that is fulfilling? Am I reasonably fit and healthy? How strong is my faith? Do I have friends and interests that give me an identity outside of work?”

Finally ask yourself if you are living your life by what is most important to you. There’s an old cliché that says examining your calendar and checkbook will tell you how you live your life and what you value. Try it.

Re-evaluating what we want in life

“In the long run you have to live with yourself and what you have done with your life.” Talley Jones,airlines

I led a roundtable discussion with a group of downsized executives. With one exception, this group of motivated, ambitious, well-educated executives had decided to accept their next assignment to achieve greater balance. Their reasons varied: some had young children, others cared for aging parents, a few had faced a health scare. After being laid off and a period of re-adjustment to a lower budget lifestyle, they found they want more time than money. Unwilling to work 80 hour weeks or travel constantly, they were consciously choosing to scale back at work, to simplify their life and live at a less frantic pace.

Several spoke of different priorities earlier in their careers, of having a different definition of success. Now they were focused towards family. They still wanted success, but on their own terms. These outsourced executives, all highly marketable, all successful were taking control of their careers and their lives.

Have you figured out the difference between what you want versus what do you need?
The next time you say that you are working so hard and sacrificing for your children, ask yourself if you would want your child to work for your company and live your life.

Taking baby steps towards balance

"I didn't know about balance early in my career. I was a workaholic. I drove myself to the point that I dropped with a heart attack. Then I took the time to reassess what is important in life - which is spending time with family, church and community. It takes an emotional toll if you cannot be there for family. As a leader you must demonstrate these values. Spending time in the evening with a briefcase full of work is foolish. You cannot go into work the next morning refreshed. If you work twelve-hour days and every weekend, ask yourself, is this what I want out of life? I learned these lessons the hard way after a heart attack.”
Bernie Hale, consultant

Thinking through what you want out of life versus how you are living today, is the first step in making necessary changes before you experience a crises. Realizing you’ve allowed relationships to fail because all of your energy has gone to busyness and accumulating wealth and success will help you pace yourself. After sorting through your values and setting your priorities, goals will become evident.

We know from our earliest management training that we manage what we can measure. Instead of wishing you could be home in time for dinner more often or travel less frequently, write down specific goals. Start with baby steps – mini-goals you can achieve, even under stress.

Write down specific goals in your daily planner each week - to be home three nights a week, travel no more than one week per month. Schedule regular time to exercise or commit hours to volunteer work that feeds your spirit.

If you carry work home every night, set a goal to only take home your stuffed briefcase every other night. If you work every weekend, begin giving yourself one day off each weekend to rest and recharge your batteries. Dedicate a portion of each weekend to
family time, and set aside time just for yourself to relax. Having goals and time targets that you can measure will keep you focused on your commitments and give you a feeling of control over your life.

Schedule your friends and family time into your daily planner with the same dedication you plan for an important meeting. When tempting opportunities come along, check them against your values and goals. You’ll quickly determine if the opportunity takes you away from or moves you towards your priorities.

From single focus to full life

“Between 40 and 50, you can see your own mortality. There is a longing to do something that is purposeful and lasting.”
Ted Fancher, automotive

You can live an integrated life, shifting balance between your personal and professional roles. You can shift from a singe focus to a full life. You can become involved in your community, develop a rewarding family life, and leave a lasting contribution.

This is your life - live it by your terms. Let the priorities in your life fill the hours in your day and your daily planner. Develop a life that measures success by your standards, not by those put forth in some glossy magazine. Keep a strong sense of who you are and what your life is all about. Let go of things that keep you from living on purpose.

A former executive at The Home Depot and The Limited, Rebecca Barnett is the author of Winning Without Losing Your Way, Character-Centered Leadership. Winning has been named “One of the very best of the year” by CEO Refresher magazine. Rebecca can be reached at (270) 843-6994 or online at www.winningyourway.com