A letter written to my birth mother in 1982 as I began the search for her. I was able to mail it to her four years later. She passed away in 2001.

Dear Mom~

It was a decision of a lifetime, that with what was
known and felt at the time, was a proper decision. I
will not judge you. I will never tell you what you did
was wrong. It will never be my place to say. I was not
mature or old enough to know.

Never say you are sorry, never tell me that what you
did so many years ago was wrong. I know in my heart
that if you are like I know myself, it was what you
thought was the right thing to do.

I will not confront you. I will make this as easy and
safe for us both as possible. I just need to know that
you are alive, what life has been for you since we
parted. I may not have enough time to find you before
you depart this life for a better one, but know that
my prayers are with you.

I will defend you and your decisions in life as any
son would. I will hold your memory true , even if all I
know is your name. I will never defile your name, your
circumstances or your decisions in life.

I know that I too have made many mistakes, but I have
no regrets. each mistake has made me a better person,
turned me a different direction, and made me care more
for life than I ever would have before.

If you feel guilt, I will tell you that I feel that
you should not harbor any. I have led a good and
fulfilling life that I am proud of. Your decision has
made my life today what it is. True, it would have
been different, but I cannot say it would have been
either better or worse. I am a product now of what I
have lived and experienced.

To you, mom, I pledge my gratitude for giving me all
that I have. I have lost nothing now. Now that I know
who you are by name. The only thing I would ask in
addition, is to know you. I have many of your
attributes. I hold every thought of you to be precious
as gold.

I do not know what you look like, I do not know what
you sound like. But to me, you are my guardian angel
and have helped me through life without conscious
awareness of you. I know you talk to me. You always
have. You pray for my safety, happiness and
well-being.

For the last 32 years, we have been connected.
Sometimes I listened to you, sometimes I didn't. You
are my "gut", my instinct, my heart and my thoughts.

Tonight I raise my glass in praise of your bravery,
your life, and all the decisions you made.

Cheers to you mom. You did good.


Your Son.

© 2004 Lawrence P. Adams

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED