Dealing with Grief Caused by Unforseen Tragedy

Death ... When It Strikes Unexpectedly

(Dealing With Sudden Grief Caused By Unforeseen Tragedy)

By: Danny Von Kanel

Dedicated In Memory Of

Clyde Leake and Jerry Laird

The church was still on that quiet, sunny Thursday. Being alone at the office, it was a day to stow away ministerial left overs from the previous nights activities. On Thursdays, the telephone normally sat stone-still -- being absent of phone tags played by energetic staff members and church secretaries. Not today.

Ringing and breaking the peacefulness, I raced to pick up the phone. A distraught voice on the other end pierced through my surprised hello. “Brother Danny, this is Lisa, Clyde’s daughter-in-law. Mr. Clyde has been in an accident. He was killed.” Showing my disbelief and puzzlement I responded, “Not Mr. Clyde, surely not”.

Indeed, it was. A steel beam had fell and hit him in the head while taking down an old shed.

Thanking Lisa for the call and assuring her of our prayers, I left Lisa and contacted my pastor and deacon chairman. My pastor, being eight hours away on vacation, headed back. He knew he had to make his way home.

Clyde was known in our county. A respectable business man, our embalmer at the local funeral home, Clyde was loved. His contagious smile and warm spirit invigorated those around him. My dealings with Clyde was as his director in the Sweet Spirit Singers, a senior adult singing group at church. His dry sense of humor made our musical journeys a taste of heaven.

Now we would no longer have his effervescent presence. A fact made harder because of his

leaving four young adult sons and a precious wife. The loss touched us all.

Clyde’s death was premature. What we learned is timely. It was a case of dealing with sudden grief caused by unforeseen tragedy.

Numbness And Disbelief Precedes The Onset Of Grieving Pain

My arrival at Clyde’s home found Imogene and a son and daughter-in-law coping with the news. The hollow expressions, red eyes, and blank looks signified a knowledge of the truth but not a present reality. Through the evening, the realization brought sobbing tears from the family. The reality was sinking in and the pain of grief slowly taking root.

God allows this pre-pain numbness for a variety of reasons:

1. To prepare our bodies physically for grief ahead. I’m not sure we could handle the trauma of the news -- especially when it is unexpected.

2. To allow God’s people time to rally in support. In just a few hours, Clyde’s and Imogene’s home was inundated with God’s people.

3. To sort through initial feelings, questions, and denials. The early stages of grief are real but in a hazy, superficial way -- not accepting or completely understanding present realities.

The church can help in this initial stage of grief by:

1. Being present soon after hearing the news. After informing key individuals by phone, I immediately left for Clyde’s and Imogene’s home where I knew the family was gathering.

2. Seeing a need and meeting it. Some of our ladies noticed that dishes were dirty. They immediately began washing them and cleaning the kitchen. Others went to the airport to pick up a son of Clydes. Still others brought food.

3. Lifting the family up in prayer. Prior to my arrival, I learned that Imogene and her son had prayed together. Both being Christian they naturally welcomed the petitions lifted up in their behalf. It was prayer that gave them strength to face uncertain days ahead.

The Reality Sets In

The wake and funeral to follow has a way of driving home the realness of tragedy. It is there the family begins to say it’s good-byes. The weight of grief takes its toll. Being a Godly family,

though, Imogene and her sons handled the loss well. They had an awareness Clyde was in heaven. One day they would see him again.

The church can do more good at this time, not by doing gracious acts, but by watching what they say. The following are some inappropriate responses after a tragic loss:

1. ““Don’t cry.”

2. “Be brave.”

3. “You’ll get over it in a couple of weeks.”

4. “You shouldn’t feel that way. After all, you have the Lord.”

5. “We need to put the past behind us. Let’s move on to the future with God.”

6. “At least he didn’t suffer.”

7. “Everyone dies sooner or later. He just died sooner.”

8. “The Children need you to be strong.””

Two specific things we can do during this phase of grief is touching and listening. Clyde’s family were huggers. My placing my hand on Imogene’s back was reassuring. She knew I cared. Be sensitive to grieving families who are not as comfortable with touch as we might be. If we sense some hesitancy, ask, “Can I give you a hug?” If touch is not possible, let’s be a good listener and empathize with their hurt. Limiting our words forces us to listen.

The Days That Follow The Painful Loss

The days are quiet at Imogene’s home. The throngs of people have left. But now the pain of her loss is more real than ever. The absence of Clyde’s presence is a constant reminder he is gone. The absence of his voice magnifies the silence around her. The absence of his contribution in running the house is now an extra burden. Truly, more than ever, Imogene needs God’s people.

That’s why, I have made a decision to go by Imogene Leake’s and Margaret Laird’s (another tragic loss in our church family) home at least once a week and check on them. My presence will mean the world. I will be ready to meet their needs.

Some practical ideas to help during the long days that follow a sudden loss may include:

1. A telephone call to say you care.

2. Encouragement to keep a journal. Writing down our pain and hurt is a form of healing.

3. Offering to do specific things: pay some bills, do the laundry, feed the animals, etc.

4. Offering heartfelt words of spiritual encouragement. Share scripture verses that helped you during difficult times.

5. Telling them about support groups and classes. Imogene had just completed, “Recovering From The Losses Of Life”, prior to Clyde’s death. She said she did not know why she took the class, having experienced few losses before. But now she does. The study will be a valuable help in days to come.

All deaths of love ones are hard to take regardless of age. The weight of the blow is magnified when it is premature and unexpected. We, as a church, can minister effectively during these tragedies immediately following the death, on through the wake and funeral, and in the days and weeks to follow. Doing, saying, and being Christlike will help take some pain

out of their loss. It’s worth the effort. It’s God’s design.