The Large Hadron Collider is the ultimate boy’s toy you see, a super-dooper whizz bang (do you begin to see why scientists love me?) that might be capable of destroying the whole Universe. Or not. The fact is this machine has enormous potential for destruction and no fucker has a clue what will happen when it is fired up.

Dr. Brian Cox, a professor of nuclear physics says there is only a teensyweensylittle chance of very bad things happening and the scientists are completely in control of their equipment. Well he’s a Doctor, a PhD so he should know what he’s talking abou…? Dr. Brian Cox? Brian (aceed) Cox, former keyboard player with techno band D’ream whose big hit was the rave anthem Things Can Only Get Better. A bloke that had dropped acid more often than the average hooker has dropped her knickers. One of the Twenty Four Hours Party People who was part of the Madchester scene in the late 1980s and early 1990s. A mate of Shaun Ryder for God’s sake. So we have the word of an acid head that everything will go off in a safe and controlled way.

(There is actually no evidence that Brian Did drop acid. There is no evidence that he didn’t either. And knowing what acid can do to people’s brains are we willing to take a chance? Does the name Syd Barrett mean anything to you.? Poor Syd, the original frontman of Pink Floyd was so screwed up by the drug that for the last two decades of his life he did not know he was Syd Barrett.

Things Can Only Get Better my arse.

"What’s it all about then?" you might well ask. Well the Large Hadron Collider is a machine constructed for one purpose, to unlock the secrets of the Universe. The team hope it will allow them to observe for the first time the Higgs Boson, the so called God Particle on account of nobody really knows if it exists. If the Boson is captured and it does what it says on the theoretical box then this unimaginably tiny and slight subparticle of the atomic nucleus is responsible for the existence of matter, stuff, us, metal, plastic, chocolate, gravy, everything. Don’t worry though, if it doesn’t exist we will not cease to exist and nor will gravy, it just means the theoretical physicists have been barking up the wrong tree. But they have a lot of experience of barking up the wrong tree, its what they do for a living.

All theoretical physics is based on the work of Einstein and he was insane. You see when Einstein was cobbling together his Special theory of relativity he got stuck. The equations did not resolve, the sums did not add up. He needed something to be constant and all he had was variables. "I know, I’ll make the speed of light constant." You have to be insane to make a leap of logic like that. He found the number that would make his equation work and by setting the speed of light travelling through a vacuum (space) at 186,000 miles per second. But space is not a vacuum. it’s empty but it does not suck (ask any sci – fi fan if space sucks, they’ll tell you, "no, its bangin’ – well they will if they're from Madchester,) and when you look closely there is all sorts of shit flying around, comets, dust, gas and plasma clouds, supermarket trolleys, old pick up trucks, big lumps of rock…and when light bounces off all this stuff it slows down. The slowest light has ever been timed at is 38 miles per hour, about the same speed as an Olympic cyclist. Fast by cyclist standards but slow by cosmic standards. it travels at that speed through sodium.

All of modern theoretical physics is based on Einstein’s assumption though, so obviously it is all wrong. So the people who say the LHC will create a black hole that will swallow the Universe are being a bit drama Queeny. After all there is no evidence black holes can exist, that’s another idea based on assumptions and guesswork

This is why we should be worried about the Large Hadron Collider. Nobody knows what will happen when it is switched on. And if it does work properly nobody will know if it has worked properly or not.

Dr. Brian (aceeed) Cox says anyone who does think the experiment will create a Black Hole is a twat. That’s easy for him to say of course, after all if he is wrong there will be nobody around to say nyah nyah na nyah nyah, we will all have been swallowed by a hole in a Swiss Cheese.

Theoretical Physics is beautiful; it allows you to write out the secrets of the Universe in chalk on a blackboard: Dara O’Briain (MSc Theoretical Physics turned comedian)