~~~~~
I’d been bringing my computer online, getting ready to write something incredible, filled with wisdom.... I have a reputation to consider, you know...
--This is where I used to get chicken-hearted, blathering to myself about my worthlessness as a thinker let alone as a writer—here is where my poor angelic self got shut right out the door. Slam! Thunk--
ANYWAY—as I said, I was going through my normal routine of getting into my computer for the evening, which means I always have to read my horoscope. One of the aspects of Me is that my studies have given me the ability to scan my own self, to ‘see’ what is going on and where best to place my attention; I don’t need to read horoscopes to know. But this one, though I did scorn it in the beginning, nearly always seems to speak particularly to ME each day, on a spiritual level more than the physical world that is what most of us call the only world.
BUT THAT’S another trail of thought, not to confuse the concepts of this current thought that I am attempting most earnestly to follow.
~~~~~
Scanning quickly through the words, I felt a lightning jolt go right through me. My usual soft-scan bad vision focused and read them once more, and here I will paraphrase, to protect both our copyrights, but it’s important to the story and I can’t think of any other way to present the concept.
"Scorpio! You think you’ve been here before and you also think you don’t like what lies ahead." However, the words then gave me hope, saying, "...while things look the same, the pure truth is that you are different, which makes traveling the road different."
I tell you, it gave me a jolt.
Here is my take.
The scenery looks familiar, I believe I even recognize that fence post, and yes! there’s the stand of oaks where we had lunch one day... I can see the road, both understanding and remembering scenes and situations from my own life, leading from this very road. I can feel myself gaining strength from them, yet a strong determination that they do not ever have to be experienced again; my knees lock in agreement, my hands clench. I start to cough, reach for a cigarrette.
In my ‘real’ world, this is where the realities set in, the daily need to provide enough money to keep a living space that is tolerable and still be able to afford it, this is my real world, though my mind is off into la-la land as often as possible, so as to avoid as much as possible the horrors of what is here, in this ‘real’ world.
Sometimes I envy those who have already gone, passed through the veil, into what I sure hope is understanding –at last—sorry, I do tend to digress, but it too has its position on this trail of thought, though obscure-- It is not always an easy task to walk balanced through our days on this earth, in this universe. Through my years of living in this body on this earth as the only ‘real’ person I know, I have learned things about being alive in this place, this time. Time becomes another element as well, in my life, but I am often humbled about it because what we call ‘ancient’ Greeks were quite certain THEY were the so-called ‘last’ generation. The humor of it is that we are all the ‘last’ generation, and I’ve only recently begun to understand the magnitude of that concept. But it is, IS, the concept.
I can still see the road, the fence-bound fields beside it, the groupings of trees and meandering rivers in this place we call life, the here and now. I indeed know where some of the parts of the road will take me, but now what I know first and foremost is that it is I, me! who designs the next scene on the road.
Through the reading of my horoscope this evening, I also understand something quite vital. Since I no longer live in fear, or as much, more accurately, the need for pain and restrictions is gone! If there is a river and I need to cross it, I will build a bridge. If I have no materials with which to build a bridge, I will seek to find them. If I have not the engineering to build a bridge, I will find engineers who need the strengths I provide; we will work together.
I sit, now wordless but no longer useless, in front of my computer. Is this my masterpiece for the evening? I did so much want to impress a new audience, hoping my critics will keep it private, but can take it if not.
***
This was 'derwriter' in Year2002... she was not all bad, nor all wrong. But she had it figured out wrong.... or at least, twisted into a shape that would not be a lasting, viable vehicle. It will be interesting to see how she progressed from that point. Keep watching this space for further meanderings of derwriter. What a humbling experience this will be, but I promise it will not be boring to those who are also on the same sort of journey.
