A short pamphlet on cooking monkeys, beware tree-huggers, Greenpeace and Granola Heads

Monkeys are nutritious, and lots of fun to eat. You may not know this, but certain species are crunchy, too. The main problem with eating monkeys lies with the monkeys themselves; they do not particularly like being eaten.
The most effective way to prepare monkeys is deep frying. Wesson, or other vegetable oil is best, at a frying temperature of about 380 degrees. The best flavor is achieved by dropping the live monkey in the heated oil. Make sure that you use enough oil to completely cover the monkey, but not so much as to overflow the pot. Take into consideration that the monkey will initially flail, jump and scream for a few seconds, so it is best to fry in a pressure cooker, or a pot with a secure lid!
An alternate method is baking your monkey. First, talk reassuringly to your monkey. Tell him that you are going to apply baby powder, to pamper him. Then, once you’ve earned his trust, roll your monkey in flour. This will help to prevent the monkey from sticking to the baking pan when he is done. Some primate chefs like to put something decorative in the monkey’s mouth, like a cherry or a wedge of citrus rind. Just make sure that the monkey is at least half baked (about 20 minutes per side, per pound of monkey). You don’t want to be bitten by a pissed off, overheated monkey!











Barbecued Monkey -
In summer weather, the Barbie may present the most fun way to prepare monkey meat, and keeps excessive heat out of the house. A big plus is that outdoor pet monkeys won’t be suspicious. For example, a Capuchin that has been kept in the yard, or on a patio for years, may be skeptical when he is suddenly beckoned into your formal dining room. Better to keep the antsy anthropoid at ease.
We recommend a heavy, honey glaze or marinade prior to mounting the little man on the spit. In just under an hour of rascal rotisserie, your guests will really appreciate how the monkey shines.
Presentation – Fully baked, barbecued or fried monkeys may be presented either face up, or face down on a large serving tray, with halved coconuts or other tropical trimmings for decorum. In the interest of good manners, the monkey’s legs should be tethered together.
Either a starch or green vegetable may accompany more provincial monkey dishes. Monkey oreganato is complimented by pasta, either fettucine or linguine. It is generally considered gauche to drape the monkey’s head with the spaghetti, as if to simulate blond hair. You should resist any temptation to do so, as this would be disrespectful to the monkey.






Commercial Preparation (The Big Galoop) – If you have access to a commercial oven, you may elect to cook a chimpanzee, or even a small gorilla. Consult the pamphlet “oven cooking times for larger primates” for exact directions.
Monkey eating parties are a common occurrence in the orient, where the monkey’s skull is crushed, and his brain eaten while the creature is still alive. While most of us find this practice somewhat barbaric, no one can deny the seductive sense of wicked fun as the diners alternately swing little hammers through the unfortunate’s skull, which is visible through the hole in the special monkey bondage table.
Whether cruel or kind, your monkey party is sure to be a hit with the just the right atmosphere, music and of course, fresh monkey!



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