Death is a lot harder on those who must go on and part of our grief is over the loss of our younger, innocent selves.

Dying is hardest on those going through it, but death is hardest on those left alive.

The deceased is done dying; done suffering and done with all the minutia of daily life that so controls our focus and monopolizes the time we spend living.

The "pain" of death is felt exclusively by those left to grieve. That's the main reason for all the trappings and ceremonies surrounding death...we crave the comfort in shared loss.

Most of the pain related to loss is self-inflicted. That is, we suffer because we hold onto guilt, or anger, or blame.

We suffer because we refuse to let go.

The dead don't need those things and neither do we. All of that is easier said than dealt with.

The one thing that any grieving person needs to know, is that it's OK. Whatever you're feeling and for whatever reasons, it's all right.

If you feel abandoned and angry, feel it, if you feel guilty, feel that too.

Allow yourself to express whatever it is you're feeling and than let it go.

Do you feel guilty because you wish you had spent more time together, or regret that you drifted apart?

Did you love this person? Did they love you? If you know that they loved you, then know, in your heart, that they've already forgiven you and that all that's left is for you to forgive yourself.

Do you feel abandoned and angry?

That's OK too. While you feel that, consider this: Do you think they meant to abandon you? Do you think they wanted to leave, like that?

Accept that none of us controls the time we have here and that you may one day leave others suddenly yourself.

Forgive and let go, so that you too may accept forgiveness when you need it.

Are you still angry over unresolved issues in your lives?

Was there abuse or neglect?

Did this person inflict harm upon you that you can't let go of?

You don't have to let go, but you should know that whatever that person did to you, they inflicted the same upon themselves over and over in ways you could not be aware of.

That harm is in the past and so is this person. Both are gone now. If you can let go of your hurt, you grant yourself relief.

Maybe you miss this person terribly and fear that you'll feel a hole in your life, the rest of your days.

It's natural to miss them, because your memories keep them alive inside your heart.

Missing someone you've cared for, is never easy, but if you think about it, you wouldn't trade away any of this pain if it meant never having known the one you miss.

Another part of the grieving process is a part we rarely acknowledge. Much of the pain we feel over a loved one's death is that we also grieve for ourselves.

Each death we acknowledge is a validation of our own mortality. With each loved one's passing, it's made clearer, that we too have been dying from the moment we took our first breath.

My paternal grandfather died when I was twelve. His was the first wake I ever attended. I remember it because the wake and funeral fell on my first three days of school that year.

While at the wake, a friend of my dad's came up to our family and said, "I'm very sorry."

I turned to my Dad and said, "Sorry? I'm all right."

Maybe, that's it. We live most of our lives oblivious to death and convince ourselves that "We're all right."

The death of someone close to us intrudes on all that and makes us aware of how finite and fleeting our time here really is.

Perhaps this reality threatens the grip that the minutia of everyday life holds over us.

There is nothing wrong with grieving for ourselves and realizing that our pasts are as dead as the loved one lost.

It's also important to realize that feelings don't change reality.

Death is a natural and inevitable part of life and as we live, we lose those who've loved us and whom we've loved. Eventually, we too will age and pass away.

If that makes the minutia of everyday life seem even more miniscule, perhaps that's a good thing.