nuts and nipples on the rocks

“I’ve come here to be drugged, electrocuted and probed, not insulted!”
Homer J. Simpson

Bare your breasts, your appendages and your queries… right here, right now! Ask Mz. Conduct at: guttergrl69.hotmail.com and let my sunny disposition warm your innards like a glorious violet wand.

I had the most fabulous birthday ever, one that I had waited my whole life for. It was one of those ‘it’s only in the movies’ birthdays. After being treated to lobster and an ’89 Merlot, by my son and his dad, The Yum Yum Boy surprised the panties right off me when I walked into my house. He had me cover my eyes, but my ears heard Billie Holiday (my icon of icons) on the CD player, and out of the corner of my no-peeking sight, I saw about eighty tea-light candles flickering throughout the entire house! I immediately smelled the fragrance of, what turned out to be, the freshly plucked petals of three-dozen crimson roses. They’d been carefully scattered in the warm running bathtub that awaited me. A rose and a card sat on top of the leopard skin toilet seat cover. He undressed me and sank me into my tub o’ flowers and gave me the card. After my heavenly bath, he dried me off and wrapped me in my black, silk robe, and guided me to a little tower of delightful gifts, all creatively wrapped on the dining room table. Next to that was a swank swank bottle of ’87 Bordeaux and another rose. After we swilled the luscious vino by candlelight, and I opened my presents – sheer and naughty faux leopard thigh highs, cobalt blue wine glasses, a beaded necklace and a coolest of cool wine opener -- YYB steered me through the flickering light to the bedroom, which was veiled in sheer red fabric. My bare feet relished the softness of the velvet petal pathway as I was led to the boudoir, which had been screaming our names all evening. There sat two long stemmed red roses on my pillow, alongside a love letter and an amazing poem. I blubbered like a schoolgirl who just had her pigtails pulled and liked it too much. Wow, this is what (almost) every girl dreams of! My brother says he’d never score any points with his wife with a feat such as this, as his wife is allergic to every flower know to man, detests candlelight and doesn’t drink an ounce. Okay, well, we each have our own romantic fantasies, whatever they may be, and it’s more than commendable when a man remembers what they are. I just know that one of my romantic fantasies was definitely fulfilled that night and I showed my appreciation to the YYB about six ways to Friday, honey!

The Lion King took me to see one of my author heroes, David Sedaris, who I hadn’t seen since he gave a free reading at a bookstore courtyard, about seven years ago. Now, he was at one of the biggest venues in the city and tickets went for thirty bucks a pop! He, like me, writes about everyone he knows and loves. He is absolutely hysterical and a true inspiration. If you haven’t heard him read his stories on NPR, then I truly recommend any one of his many books. He used to be a housecleaner, like moi, but now lives in France with his boyfriend, going to auctions and having fabulous dinner parties. Sigh… one day daahlings, one day!

The Yum Yum Boy and I took home the Voluptuous Bar Vamp the other night. She’s a bartender at our favorite club and has been hankering to bang us both ever since the day we met her. We’ve flirted, we’ve teased, but never took her up on her unsaintly offers… until now! We consumed oodles of Sheep Dip scotch and ended up playing with candle wax and ice cubes. As we held ice cubes in our mouths and ran the cold comfort all over one another’s flesh, we then dripped cobalt blue candle wax over our exact same splendid body parts, watching the unique configurations take hold in the remaining candlelight. All the while, the Dells sang so soulfully, “Oh What a Night.” Indeed!

I was canoodling wickedly with my baby the other night, roughing up his suspect, romping like thunder, and exploding my juices from here to eternity, when in a fit of maniacal bliss, I reached above my head for support and promptly put my entire hand right through the window! Shards of glass flew everywhere and when my yummy boy stopped banging me long enough to exclaim, “Christ, honey, are you okay?” I wrapped my shredded hand in my skirt (conveniently at my head), and spit out, “I’m fine, don’t you dare stop, mister!” We’ll eventually fix the window, and my wounds will heal, but I’ll have the sacred scars forever!

The Transient Trollop sent me a care package containing a disgusting, yet hilarious snack (what them folks eat in the southern parts of the states), a lovely can of… get this… hog brains and milk gravy! There’s even a little picture of the concoction on the label. I put it in my Tiki-themed kitchen just to throw things off a bit. I should mention that she and her precious ‘apple that didn’t fall far from the tree’ daughter, also sent me a red vinyl and lace thong, which look great on, especially while holding the can of hog brains and milk gravy! Smooches to my girls!

Fret Boy and his fab gal pal came over and watched some really bad porn with us the other night. So bad that we had to turn it off! I’m sorry, but badly operated on trannys just don’t pull off the real deal. One tip: if you’re going for the change and are going to be on film, save your pennies and get a decent job done! Of course Fret Boy’s microwaved cheese snacks may have contributed to the nausea, but who knows?


Dear Mz. Conduct,

Several months ago, I started chatting with a woman online. After a while we got onto the subject of cock size. I told her that I was 5 inches. She told me that I was too small. The other day, we chatted again, but she did not remember the cock size conversation. She did mention that her standard was about 7 inches and thick.

So, now she wants to meet. I'm wondering if I should remind her of my size beforehand, or just let her find out for herself. The worst that will happen is that she won't let me have sex with her. I know I'm small so I can deal with that.

What do you think?

Small Fry

Dear SF,

You seem to be obsessed with your premature penis and who knows, if I was a man, I might be too, but let people know you, and don’t worry about reminding this woman about it. As you said, she’ll find out herself and if and when she pulls your appendage out of your shorts and suddenly has a hankering for cocktail sausages, then so be it. Besides, small schlongs can be dreamy for booty sex! If she complains about your size, then bend her over and drive that wee weenie in her little pink pucker. Yes, some of us love anal sex too, honey, and there is more to a man besides the size of his cock… really! Be careful, your obsession will drive her away if nothing else.

Dear Mz. Conduct,

Your column makes my head spin, stomach flip, and blood boil! I crave your type of decadence, but I have no idea where to start looking for girls like you. How does a neophyte enter the world you live in? I must be discreet because of my job, and I'm very shy. Please advise me.

Yours,
Wanting More

Dear WM,

Unfortunately, there aren’t many girls like me in this world, and the shy boys rarely conquer us delectably decadent. You could try some of the Yahoo sites such as www.oregonsex.com or the polyamory sites like my friend’s site, www.darklady.com. I’ve found quite a number of salaciously suitable folks included in these clubs and you can be as assured that you may be as discreet as necessary.

Dear Mz. Conduct,

Do you think that age matters when it comes to true love? I am significantly older than my girlfriend and people give us slack all the time. We’re really happy, but it drives me crazy sometimes.

Geezer

Dear G,

Put your dentures in a drawer and gum that pink taco all the way to Mexico and back, baby! I have one short answer; hell no, age doesn’t matter! I am in the same boat myself, always have been actually, just love those young un’s myself, as they’re the only ones with enough stamina for me. See also: Chrissie Hynde and her husband who have a fourteen-year age difference between them. See also: Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins who are twenty-years apart and have been together for what seems forever. It’s not often you hear of such long lasting relationships especially in the world of celebrities! Apart from the fame filled world, my dear friends, the Little Princess and her man, have a match made in heaven (at least in my little black book), and he’s nineteen years her senior. So there! If ya have to pop a Viagra, then so be it! Goddess of Guttersluts, bless those little blue pills! People can be trite and focus on the trivial sometimes and maybe it’s because they’ve never found what you have. You just keep rockin’ on grandpa and put the meaningless critiquing where it should be… in a dumpster with all the mutated chicken parts, behind a Kentucky Fried Chicken!

© All rights reserved Kim Alvarez