on a roll

“It was so cold I almost got married”
Shelly Winters

Slap my cheeks and call me cowgirl, spur in the New Year and buck off all your troubles…to me! Visit my website at: www.mzconduct.com or write me at: guttergrl69.hotmail.com and I promise to answer all!

To start the New Year, the Yum Yum Boy and I have moved in to a cozy little bungalow all our own. It was my greatest challenge yet at cramming a house full of eclecticism and erotica inside this cracker box of a love nest. We were exhausted the day of the move, even with all the help that we had. By the evening, we decided to take a break and check out the neighborhood. Lo and behold, there were two of the seediest strip clubs in town right across the street. Well, it was perhaps an immoral imperative to give them a visit. The Swingin’ Sassycat was a dive and a half, but held a certain charm that only some of us could understand. The bouncer, a huge round-faced man with a shaved head, knew who I was and came over and introduced himself. I explained that we were now his new neighbors and he bought the boy and I a pitcher of something supposedly alcoholic and carbonated (PBR I presume). We watched the miniscule stage area as a flat-chested crack whore swiveled her non-existent hips to and fro to the beat of a Bob Seeger tune. The next dancer was just as mundane, with her stringy hair and cellulite thighs, so we downed our pitcher of suds and moved on to the next club.

The Frolicking Fanny was a tad better, more spacious, with a pool table and a couple of fun pinball machines. The dancers had slightly more stage, this time, to display their tried talents, and soon, an obese black girl with pink, light-up heels got up to jiggle her jelly rolls. Okay, we agreed, time for a game of pool. As the YYB was slamming balls in the pockets, a cute and curvy little dancer came sashaying my way. The charm wore off however; as I noticed she was a pants-less inebriate in pigtails. Drunk as six pigs and lipstick smeared from here to the moon and back. However, she recognized me and told me how adorable I was (not flattering, as she could barely see three inches in front of her), and insisted I write about her in my next column. Well, here you go sugar buns! Drunken dancers are just not attractive… unless they’re in your bedroom. After that conclusion, the YYB and I headed home. Home again, home again, jiggity jig, where we proceeded to christen every room of our new abode. We started, soaped to the gills, in the shower and ended up with me arched and spread across the kitchen table. My face smashed on the table, staring into the avocado plant, I thought what a joy it is not to have roommates for once! Intimacy can be a true jewel!

A few weeks back, it was a full moon and a lunar eclipse, just like the one that occurred on the Yum Yum Boy’s and my first date, a year and a half ago. Without realizing the irony, the YYB noticed that the tenth anniversary of Quentin Tarrentino’s first screenplay, True Romance, was playing at a funky, little, local theatre. This meant we absolutely had to go, as it’s always been ‘our’ movie. There are so many parallels it’s almost creepy! So, off we went, I in my leopard jacket and handbag and the YYB in his Elvis shades and cowboy hat. This attire wasn’t only ‘us’, but outfits befitting of the movie itself. We had an awesome time and later found out the lunar convergence happened while we were whooping it up inside the theatre. True magic, true romance!

One recent afternoon, at the Yum Yum Boy’s mother’s hair salon, proved as uncomfortable for us as a squeamish person at a suspension piercing show. YYB, his dad, and I were all at the salon cleaning up a storm, as we do each week, when his dad decided to go to a store across town for light bulbs. He had to replace the old bulbs -- a specialized sort -- and only available in a few select places. Thus, across town he drove. Figuring he’d be awhile and bored with sweeping, the Yum Yum Boy and I got tangled in a smooching session right after ol’ dad left. It wasn’t long until I had the YYB sitting at a hair dryer chair, my pants around my ankles, and the reverse cowgirl was riding the range. Yeehaw! All of a sudden I heard a grumbling sound, only to look up and see the YYB’s dad watching the whole show! He sort of hollered, I sort of screamed and twirled around to accidentally give him a panoramic view of my bald-below self. Panicking, I quickly yanked up my pants as he jogged away, red-faced, to the other end of the salon. Well, the YYB just sat there with his beautiful boner and broke into hysterical laughter. I’ve never been caught shagging by someone’s parent before, so this is a first for moi! Oh, I live for those little surprises life can toss you!

So, my new neighbor boy across the way, casually informed me that the woman who lived in this dwelling before me was an insane prostitute (our conversation had begun by him asking me if anyone had been knocking on my door late at night). Bianca the Bilingual Bisexual apparently entertained men and women throughout the night. Sometimes she would string the hose out across the road and wash various neighbors’ cars at three in the morning, and occasionally throw a little sugar in a gas tank or two. Wow, so I have to revamp the energy of this place and fast! In a more positive mode than Bianca, I’m going to bless and plant our living Christmas tree outside the front door and keep the YYB’s hose and my sugar inside the house! But, Goddess of Guttersluts, bless all us bad girls!

Dear Mz. Conduct,

I am a 23 year-old woman who is extremely submissive sexually and wonder if it’s normal to be that way. I don’t seem to ever get enough degradation and worry, is there is something wrong with me?

Sad Sandy

Dear SS,

As long as you are aware of your submissiveness, I think you’re okay. Some folks are just basic subs and must have a dominant person to be involved with. I am a switch myself, but understand the desperation of your need, as it is a definitive need. There are communities that may benefit you though. Check out this site for more information that may help; http://www.dungeonnet.com/weblinks/SupportGroups/ , and now go make me a bone-dry martini and paint my nails, you subhuman wench.

Dear Mz. Conduct,

I’ve gone out with a guy, twice now, that I really like. He is handsome, seemingly honest, intelligent and funny. Toward the end of our last evening together, we started discussing some serious issues that each of us thought we have. I guess we’ve decided that we’re interested enough to share some things and I like that. I have some issues with rape in my past and we talked about that for a while and then he told me he has Priapism. I have to admit that I don’t exactly know what that is and maybe made him feel uncomfortable with my non-reaction. I guess I thought he’d explain and he must’ve thought I was okay with whatever Priapism is, and we skipped on to another topic. He hasn’t called me and I feel like I should have another chance, but I desperately want to know if Priapism is a contagious disease or if it’s a hair loss product. Can you help?

Girl in a Fix


Dear GiaF,

I had never heard of this ailment before either, but I found a few things out for you that may help.
“Priapism is a condition in which a male develops a permanent erection. If the erection lasts for an unusual period of time and is unrelated to sexual contact, one should go directly to the emergency department of the nearest hospital.
Although this can be a potentially embarrassing situation, waiting to correct Priapism may result in permanent damage. There is penile injection therapy for impotence, physical trauma to the penis or surrounding region diseases, which thicken the blood like leukemia or sickle-cell anemia, a cancerous growth around the penis preventing outflow of blood. In some cases there is no known cause
The physician may choose a different treatment depending on the severity of the Priapism. Medication, or minor surgery to remove the old blood from the penis, are the most common treatment options.”
Yikes, a constant hard-on sounds oh so lovely, except it’s not in this case. This looks serious. Perhaps you should wait until he gets a handle on his malady before you secure another date. Unless you simply want to be supportive and enjoy his non-sexual company, then that’s my suggestion.

© All rights reserved Kim Alvarez