girls just wanna have fun

"Cherish forever what makes you unique, cuz you're really a yawn if it goes" Bette Midler


Why do we sometimes refuse to see the things that are there in front of us, in dire hope that they will someday turn into or fall into the places we desire and need? It makes me think of a lost quote that says “It takes one relationship to define another relationship,” or something to that effect. I know that people are placed in our lives for a purpose, but maybe they aren’t always for the purpose that we thought or that they are intended to be.

That said, I ventured out on yet another blind date. We met at the Tiki Lounge and since I was early, wanting to get the show on the road, I swilled two martinis by the time the girl walked in. Yes, honey pies, I finally hook up with a girlie girl and there she was ... sauntering in the dark room, looking soothing yet smoldering, like a nun with a past. Tall and curvy, she wore her black boots and short leather skirt like she knew what she had. We sat for hours, drinking, smoking and laughing uncontrollably until we almost peed our panties, if we had had any on. We decided to go to the bathroom together and then call it a night. We split the bill and I left a generous tip for the impeccable, gay-boy waiter who had to deal with us all evening. Through the plastic palm trees and totem poles, we made our way to the flamingo-covered women’s room. We took out turns and when I heard her trickle come to a stop, I opened the door and said, “let me wipe you baby.” She sat there with those big green eyes and smiled. I wiped her beautiful little snatch and flushed for her. Still she sat there, and as I was on my knees in front of her, she pulled me towards her. Our gin soaked mouths met in a ferocious force of feminine energy and our hands searched for one another’s scared spaces. Her chestnut hair in my face, the smell of cherry bark, sage and vaginal heat, I banged her right there on the toilet seat with a million faded, pink flamingos watching. Her muffled screams soared down my throat and settled somewhere inside me. We kissed until our lips felt invisible and then with our blushed cheeks, we laughed and slinked out of the Tiki Lounge swirling in our skirts and drunken delight. I guess I would call that a hot date for sure. That night, I gave her my telephone number and myself. I am reminded of the badge the Transient Trollop once gave me that said, “I gave myself to Jesus and now he never calls.” Well, she wasn’t Jesus and she will call.

I was at the Vortex Room the other day with the ex hubby and my son -- who incidentally informs me on a regular basis that I’ve traumatized him for life --
and who should walk in, but Ann Drogenous and her new girlfriend who I’d been hankering to meet. Those girls are absolute dolls and I had the hankering to take them both on myself, but I swallowed my offer along with my cocktail and just yakked and had fun. Girls just want to have fun, ya know!
On that note, and hotter than Satan’s stovetop, I may have to call up a boytoy to complete my day’s fun. I sympathize with him for the simple fact that when I unleash my pent up passion, he will be writing his own epitaph for sure. Here lies Mz. Conduct’s boytoy, firmly delivered into the next world. May he finally rest in pieces.

Lather my loins and call me lascivious, whip my wetness and write me your wonders at: guttergrl69.hotmail.com

Dear Mz. Conduct,

We are a couple in search of bi-females in the Puget Sound area for fun and more, but all we seem to find are other couples looking to swing. This would not be so bad but the only man I really want to be with is the one I already have. Where are the single females I always hear are looking for couples?

Tethered Two

Dear TT,

Well little Miss Unswingable, I for one, don’t hear about single females looking for couples. Perhaps when you do hear of them you could confront these solitary she babes with a casual offer of drinks or a movie.

Women are different then men in that area - along with about a zillion others - and don’t just look for a couple to bang in their boredom. Women tend to like to get to know a couple first and then maybe ease into a menage a trois. Or maybe they’re friends with the other women and love her and love to lick her and ... ooops, having a mind slip about the Electricity Slut. Anyway, back to you, my suggestion would be to join a group of polyamorous people, even if they are swingers. You may meet some juicy Lucy to join in your fantasy.

Another suggestion is to put an ad in the personals and be explicit as allowed. It may take awhile but you may get lucky. It’ll help if your man is a hunka hunka burnin’ love so spruce up the mister and good luck sister.

Dear Mz. Conduct,

I have a feeling my girlfriend is going to dump me, but nothing has been said yet. I guess it’s just a vibe I’ve been getting lately. My question is: should I dump her first so I don’t get hurt so much or hold my breath and hope that I’m wrong and it’ll just blow over?

Chicken Boy

Dear CB,

Yeah, why don’t you hold your breath. Hold it until there’s world peace, okay? Roosters on a rampage, if she is going to dump you I wouldn’t blame her. No one wants a guy that can’t communicate his feelings, at least to some extent. You’re feeling ‘a vibe’ so that’s a sign to talk to your girl and see what’s going on. Who knows, maybe her period is late or her favorite shoes just went off sale. My point is that you don’t know things about people until you ask. Don’t second-guess her, dumbass. You seem more worried about saving face than what may be really going on between the two of you. Maybe, deep down, you want to break up with her and are reeling this whole thing out of proportion just to give you an excuse. Maybe she’s banging the soccer team and is simply annoyed with trying to make time for you, or maybe it’s nothing at all and you’re a paranoid pissant who deserves to be dumped his whole sorry life. If you care, then talk to her. If you don’t, then come over to my house and do my sink full of stinkin’ dishes, paint my nails, mow my lawn and then get the hell out.


© 2002 All rights reserved Kim Alvarez