masturbation is sex with someone you love

“As long as a person does not give up sex, sex does not give up a person.”
Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Big mouths come in handy. Give me your questions and get a mouthful of Mz. Conduct’s advice: guttergrl69.hotmail.com

The First Annual Portland Masturbate-a-Thon was a gas and a half. I was supposed to be working the coatroom, but there were plenty of volunteers so I got off scott-free. Okay, even though I did get off, I’m not entirely sure there wasn’t somebody named Scott involved. It was held at a local dungeon and I attended the bash in garter and stockings, scantily clad schoolgirl attire and sickeningly tall shoes. I was escorted by the Boytoy Bitch and Not-Your-Average-Joe, both looking edible and ready for anything. Greedgirl showed up later in Candyland apparel and the fun began. The dungeon consisted of one main room where the bands played and minglers roamed, several small rooms with various play set-ups installed, and a huge room full of apparatuses that tickled the fancies of many: leather slings and hydraulic benches hanging from chains, a cage, O-ring suspensions and the main attraction, the Orgazmatron. The Orgazmatron is a huge, motorized, dental chair-like device with a penis installed underneath. The boys were teasing me that if got on it I’d break it and ruin the party, which I thought might actually have been the case, so I withheld from straddling the alluring concoction. However, Greedgirl slipped off her thong and tossing it around my neck, jumped on and went for a ride. I snapped some sizzling photos of her blushed and pleasure ridden self as she soaked up the justified applause. The crown however was given to Betty Boop, my new friend from Seattle, as she rode that thang for an impressive thirty-five minutes! I’m up for a challenge next time, for sure.

Later, the crowd moved to a cozier room that later turned into a bath of splooge and suffering, all directed at one individual, with yours truly as the fluffer. I just provided stimulation for the masses, that’s all. Let’s just say that the mouth can be a wicked and wonderful body part and between Greedgirl’s and mine, the scene was definitely worth a celebration. Since I was supposed to be working there, I only felt it my duty. I straddled her face as the moans were heard through the crowded room and when I came all over her, the spurts of freedom shot forth, as planned. A humorous moment did arise and arouse when Greedgirl took her lollypop from her mouth and slid it inside me, up and down and around and ‘round, pulled it out and put it back to her lips. I looked at her and yelled, “You bitch!” The crowd stared at me in amazement, not knowing what had happened to get me so riled. I explained quickly by saying, “You bitch, that lollypop was freakin’ cinnamon!” and laughter broke out. I made her suck the burning sugar out of me, which in turn facilitated even more rocket launching. I was bent over pantiless, showing the people, on the couch behind me, my world at a glance. The big, bald, leather-clad bouncer took the initiative and slid his finger in me, all the way to China, as I was bent over slurping my girl’s bar belled nipples. The video cameras were rolling and it was quite a performance, if I do say so myself.

Later, and after many merci beau coups, I smooched and danced with a very sexy boy, made good use of the gynecological table, drank some sort of unidentified alcoholic beverage, and met the porn star, Corina Curves (corinacurves.com). She was very sweet and despite the fact that she was suffering from painful dental work, was making her appearance as planned. Not-Your-Average-Joe snapped a couple of photos with me biting her monstrous mammaries and a shot of Boytoy Bitch’s baldhead (equally matched in size) resting on her other breast. That’s what I call ‘big’ fun!

All in all, it was one hell of an entertaining evening. As Boytoy Bitch and I drove home, he calmly said to me, “Baby, you’ll understand if I don’t kiss you right now?” Wanting badly just to get home to gargle and shower, I told him “Baby, I do understand,” cuz that’s just the kind of woman I am.


Dear Mz. Conduct,

The ‘guy friends’ thing is a complicated issue for me. My roommate said she once felt as I do, that friends are friends and that's that. But she said her ex had convinced her otherwise because men just want ONE thing and ONE thing only and will wait forever just to get it. She said she's seen very few exceptions to the rule. She also says that my children will be looking at any male friend I have as a potential Dad and they could get crushed if I don't end up marrying some guy they think is perfect for me/them. Finally, they will (when they're older) assume my "friends" were much more than that (as will my soon to be ex - husband). She says if I want to avoid all the problems, I should steer clear of the situation all together. What do you think on this subject?

Helena Handbasket

Dear HH,

Merry Mary and her drag queen cohorts, why do you allow yourself to be swayed by other people’s opinions (well, except for mine of course)? I have lots of men who are simply friends and not lovers, well, okay, a few, but that’s beside the point really. Whether or not they are lovers is no one’s business; not your roommate’s, not even your kid’s and especially not your soon to be ex husband.

I agree that discretion is important where children are involved, at least to a point. For instance, you don’t want to be caught smooching the candy apple of muscle meat when your kids are in the next room playing Lincoln Logs, and you don’t want to be screaming lust-filled expletives in the middle of the night, perhaps giving them nightmares on Overwhelm street.

I disagree that your kids will be looking at your boyfriends to fill the daddy roll, for the love of sphincter, they’ve already got a freakin’ daddy. If you explain things to them on a consistent basis, honestly and openly, like the wise, little people they are, they may surprise you. You are a healthy, sexual woman and kids need to feel that it’s okay to be just that. Take their needs into consideration above all others and then fulfill your own needs as you see fit. Tell your roommate to mind her own business and if she’s lucky, you’ll leave her your leftovers.

Dear Mz. Conduct,

I’m a big girl and somewhat ignorant on sexual positions and have a hard time reaching orgasm with the usual missionary style. I wonder what your favorite position is with a man and what you recommend for me?

Bored in Buffalo

Dear BiB,

Yee-haw, buckle those spurs and ditch the hat... the Reverse Cowgirl is my favorite position with a man. I am not a stick figure either, sweetie, and this is a way that you can have a lot of control and hit your salacious little spot at the same time. Have your man lay flat and mount him with your face towards his feet. You can straddle him (personally I like to leave the boots on; if you’ve been to the gym on a regular basis, it helps), or you can kneel between his legs, holding on to his feet if you like or anything that’s fastened down tight. Slow and long strokes are a nice start and this position provides excellent visuals for both parties involved. So, there you go. Ride ‘em cowgirl and don’t forget to give your stallion his sugar cube... if he deserves it.


© 2002 all rights reserved Kim Alvarez