"We have made Peace and lost Love...And I want Love back."

Well, it has been 16 years since that warm summer day, which seems like a life-time ago, that we exchanged vows.

It is very important to me that you know that I still love you. I care very much for you, and I want the best for you. I want you to be happy. I want you to feel loved and special, for you ARE special.

And if it is possible...I want you to feel happy with ME, to feel loved by me.

I feel lonely. I think you do, too.

We have constructed an uneasy truce...living separate lives, except where the kids bring us together.

We have learned to avoid any discussion of those issues that have been painful for us to discuss in the past.

We have found peace and lost love.

And I want love back.

I am writing to describe, as carefully as I can, what needs to happen, from my perspective, to give us a chance to find that lost love. I want to know your thoughts, too. I want to understand you, your feelings, your needs, your desires. But I am starting here, with my thoughts, my intentions, my needs, because I have no way to start anyplace else...

The main thing I believe we need is so obvious that it seems silly to have to say it. It seems, in fact, astoundingly foolish to have allowed it to slip away from us. We need to talk. We need to communicate. And not just about schedules, or laundry, or money. And not just about "bad" things.

I need to be much more communicative with you. I need to tell you more honestly how I feel about things. I need to tell you what I want. I need to tell you what I am happy with. And I need to tell you when I feel angry--which really means that I need to tell you when I feel betrayed, vulnerable, frustrated, insulted, whatever the real feeling is.

For me to do that, to feel safe doing that, I need you to convince me that you want to hear it. I need to know that you recognize my right and my need to say it. I need you to be a patient, compassionate, non-defensive listener.

When my timing is off, I need you to gently tell me so…and I need you to aggressively pursue the completion of every unfinished conversation.

When my delivery is weak, and it often will be, for I am human, I need you to teach me...tell me how I can express myself in a way that "works" for you, that allows you to understand me without feeling that your feelings are being trampled.

Bottom line, I need to feel heard and understood. And I need to feel that "I matter" to you.

Certainly, I want communication to flow the other direction in just the same way. I want to hear from you often, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want you to be relentless in your drive to be understood.

I am asking you to trust me, to trust the process. I do not want you to feel that you need to cut these conversations short in order to protect yourself. When I speak, I need you to give me more than one chance to get it right, and when you speak, I want you to know that you also have as much time as you need to find the right words.

If we can't make "communication" work, we will always feel lonely. If we can't have trust and emotional intimacy, physical intimacy will always feel empty and cheap.

As we move forward into the coming days and weeks, I do not intend to bring a dump-truck full of old issues and hurts to bury you with. I really just want to live one day at a time, dealing in a healthy way with the issues and feelings that each day brings.

Do not be afraid. I come in peace. I come in love.

Sixteen years after we started the first time, I come because I want to start again.