On October 18, 2001 my son Bruce made his transition from a physical unreality to a spiritual reality. His physical body was 33 years old. To judge the reason for his passing is to miss the purpose. The mind does not need judgment of a physical circumstance because it is detrimental to the body of the mind doing the judging. When we place judgment on anything that happens in the physical realm, we place the purpose of being physical above our spiritual purpose. Purpose of the spiritual kind is what we really want because we were designed to seek for the purpose of Love and only Spirit can answer the call for Love. Instead of asking why, the question is “what is it for?”
Three days before his death, I awoke from a night’s sleep with these words in my ears, “death will be sudden and unexpected”. I wasn’t sure whose death it was going to be and even thought perhaps that it might be my own. When I heard this Voice speak, I was sure that the words spoken would come to pass. The Voice was not threatening, it was just informing me of an event that was about to occur.
Once I got the word that Bruce had indeed made the transition; the first thing I had to deal with was the shock. The grief and the sadness were, and at times still are, beyond words. This, however, is not about my grief and sadness; it is about moving beyond something that is so incomprehensible in human terms, to a place of peace where a difficult situation takes on a new meaning that cannot be grasped from a physical point of view. Dealing with physical death can only be grasped when we can accept a higher understanding where there is no sadness or grief.
When death occurs, especially to a loved one, we seek to understand the meaning of such an event. I have studied the Laws of God for quite a while and one of those Laws reveal that what we understand we appreciate, and what we appreciate we love, and what we love we seek more of. So by trying to relive the event of death of the loved one over and over and trying to understand what happened we begin to understand something that we were not created to understand, which is death. Life is a Law of God and by forcing myself to understand grief, I knew that I would begin to appreciate and love the experience of death. By understanding and using grief as a real experience grief could become an occurrence that would become common place in my life, and I would begin to experience this violation over and over again.
Also, by accepting the death of another, we accept that it is possible for our own death to occur. In essence we are trying to move ourselves into a position of death when in truth there is a part of us that was not created to die. This brings us a feeling that forces us to look at our own demise and this feeling brings terrible sadness and grief. When we are forced to look at the death of another, we must accept our own death as a truth, which is in opposition to a Law of God. We are all joined at a level we do not understand, so we cannot perpetrate a belief about death without accepting it for ourselves. This will bring about a tremendous amount of anxiety and feelings of not knowing what to do. The extreme sadness that is experienced when a loved one dies is direct correlation to the self because of the Eternal Law that does not recognize differences. Some would say that this is a state of denial, and they would be correct. But the correct use of denial is the denial that it is impossible to violate the Law of Life. We cannot die, but the physical experience can. The death of a physical experience is the death of the body because it is not eternal. This also does not mean that I do not have my moments. I see these moments as falling down a deep well. Then I have to pull myself out and place my self in a place of safety where the Law of Life prevails. The only place that this is possible is within the Presence of Love. I found that just as there is no end to grief, there is also no end to Love.
There are some things I learned at the funeral home. The first thing I learned is that people are sad for you because they are tuning into their own unresolved grief and fear of loss. People stopped who didn’t even know him and were just sobbing. This sadness is directly connected to the feelings of being separate from our love source. When someone passes, everyone wants to know what he or she can do. I don’t know how many people offered assistance to call them regardless of what time it was. Finally I understood that people are trying to “fix” or make up for somehow what has been taken away. This is out of a frustrating attempt to resolve something that is impossible to resolve. It is impossible to give back the love that we believe that others have lost, but we can feel the deep sense of loss and try to fill up the hole through offerings of love the only way we know how to give it….if there is anything I can do. Love is not a physical attribute, it is a spiritual one. The out pouring of love that others give when a loved one makes their transition is beyond question an attribute that comes from the heart. This is truly a moment when we reach out of our physical reality beyond to an awareness that has the ability to heal and bring peace even when it appears that it is impossible to find it. We feel this from the people that offer their support at such a time.
I found that the more I reminded myself that Bruce was alive, the better I felt. I could climb out of the “well” and not act like a blubbering idiot. I began to look for signs that spoke to me of his love and the Law of Life because what we seek, we will find. His daughter was 5 at the time of his transition. At the funeral home she was constantly coming up to me and pinching me on the behind. The day of the funeral, just before I awoke totally, I felt a gentle pinch where she was nailing me. It was a gentle nudge to let me know that he was still around. Love still communicates with us because it does not die. This was the message of the Christ and the crucifixion. His resurrection was proof that Love does not die and the physical experience does not hold Love. Love belongs to God, and not one of His Beloved is lost in death.
The night before the funeral there was a beautiful pink sky. The clouds were light and fluffy and pink is the color of love. In the morning there was a slight rain and then the sun broke through. A beautiful rainbow appeared in the sky. A rainbow is a promise of life. Funny how that works.
The moment of the funeral arrived. There were about 230 people there. I had decided I was going to speak because I couldn’t let his passing go without telling others how I felt. The minister spoke, and then called me up to the podium. These are my words that I share with you now to offer hope that is beyond the grave.
Is it possible to measure a life by the moments spent in time? When the moment ends, what is left? Words that are left unspoken, deeds that fall short of the expectations we place on ourselves. At times I cannot bear to look. The pain of the moments I believe I have lost brings unspeakable sadness. It wells up inside my chest and is released through my eyes. But I know it will only last a moment.
Who demands that the piper be paid when it’s time to go and how do we know what the payment is? Perhaps it is not this way at all. Where is the constant? What is it that always remains the same? Sometimes we forget we are not our behavior. The small victories that we perceive in life are at times paid with the price of pain that is too demanding. But pain is hiding something that has greater value then the lessons of sadness and grief. It comes to me in flashes, but seems to be buried in the pain of the moment. But then this flash moves me beyond the annals of time and brings the sweetness of peace. Buried beneath my pain is hope, but beyond hope there is love. This is what remains the same; this is what never ends.
Love breaks the barrier that time places on our mortal lives. It moves beyond time and space to a focus within our own mind and joins us to an idea that transcends something as insignificant as time. Within the protection of loves embrace we are all united. There is no difference because love looks beyond what is different and focuses on what is the same.
When something like this happens, we all want to know what we can do. We feel the pain that another is experiencing and we want to fix it for them. What we feel that has been ripped away is a source of love. But love never dies, and only love is real. So this gift of love is what we are left with. This is what is constant. This is what is real. Perhaps this is our lesson. Death does not claim victory over love. It still exists. It is alive and well. We do not have to “fix” love, love fixes us, but it must be invited in.
When sadness does not claim its victory over me and I am quiet, I can hear Bruce’s voice speak to me. Death did not claim his love and I am comforted.
As I look out over all of you, I am deeply grateful for all of the blessings and thoughtfulness that your love has given. Words could never say, but my heart knows, and I thank you.
One thing that was very difficult for me to deal with was the idea that he left this plane of existence alone. Just today I was thinking about how a band of angels were there for him. That thought was interrupted with “no it was not a band of angels, it was an army”, and this leaves me with an intense feeling of peace and gratitude.
