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Performer Goblins 10/1/2014 5:44:46 AM
When a goblin wants your attention, it's so you don't notice the fifty goblins behind you. Performer Goblins
Running into goblins is one of life’s little annoyances. You can expect pie traps, covered pits with skunks in them, and explosives if you’re really unlucky. But the most frustrating and astounding thing about goblins is that beings so mind-blowingly stupid can learn. Goblins have studied the more civilized races over the years, and recently they developed a new guild called performers to better sow confusion.
Performer goblins typically live in small clusters within goblin settlements. Their homes are loaded with pots of bright paints, tacky clothes and shiny bits of metal trash. There will also be musical instruments that the goblins can barely play and various noisemakers. Performers typically do not cause trouble except in the company of other goblin guilds. Indeed, when performers run into other races without goblin backup they ignore the lucky soul.
The most noticeable thing about performer goblins is that they’re so noticeable. Goblins know the best way to take a punch is be somewhere else when it lands. They do their best to avoid detection by using camouflage, traveling through tunnels and being active at night. When they are detected, goblins run for their lives while trying to slow pursuers with traps.
But performer goblins want you to see them. They wear garishly bright clothes. They make noise, the louder the better. They step out into the open for all to see, practically begging enemies to take a shot at them. True, most goblins are stupid and a bit crazy, but there is a good reason for this behavior.
Performer goblins want you watching them instead of the fifty goblins coming up behind you.
The plan typically goes as follows: a mob of goblins decides to cause some trouble, like filling the mayor’s house floor to ceiling with monkey dung. If the target is well defended or surrounded by people, the goblins call in a performer. One or more performers volunteer to distract the victims while the other goblins mount the attack. The performer splashes paint and attaches shiny bits of metal to a makeshift stage, usually a wagon, vendor’s stall or small building. He then draws attention to himself, fleeing once the prank is done.
These distractions come in different themes. Some performers do comedy acts, such as slapstick and puns to get people to notice them. Others play musical instruments as loud as they can, and on rare occasions they even play well. Performers may parody important people by dressing up like them and reciting satirical speeches humiliating their victims.
Another favorite tactic is to pretend to be someone or something dangerous. The goblins paint fake eyespots on dark clothes so they look like large monsters, or dress up like wizards with wands and staffs. A few performers take the act so far as to carry broken wands thrown away by real wizards to better look the part. This kind of distraction seldom lasts long, but sometimes a quick scare is all that’s needed.
These distractions are a careful matter of timing and taste. The performers need to keep their victims’ attention long enough for their fellow goblins to pull off the attack. If their act is too short the victims will lose interest and notice the other goblins. If it lasts too long the performer runs the risk that dangerous people like soldiers or knights may show up. The act also has to be obnoxious enough that people pay attention or they aren’t distracting anyone. But if the act is too obnoxious the victims will get angry and attack the performer.
Performers have several ways of dealing with danger. Their bright costumes are made of flimsy material, with darker or camouflaged clothes beneath. They can tear off the costumes and toss them aside to better hide. Performers also carefully scout an area before a prank and identify several escape routes. This way they can make a quick exit even if an angry mob is on their heels. Lastly, performers are excellent trap makers, and they lay traps on their escape routes to delay pursuers.
Ironically some performers gain acceptance with the other races. Many large cities have seedy bars where this brand of humor and mischief is considered real entertainment. Bar owners sometimes invite performer goblins to put on an act, with payment coming in the form of cheese. Performers accept such offers and use them as opportunities to try new acts.
As a rule performers pose little danger. They travel light to escape possible retaliation, and since they work alone or in small groups they can’t hope to stand and fight even if they had weapons. But there are exceptions. The best known example was when a band of brutal river pirates attacked a small town at harvest time. The situation looked grim when a lone performer goblin dressed as a wizard came to the rescue (technically he came to steal some cheese and didn’t want the pirates to take it all first, but why quibble about motives?). The pirates saw through the ruse instantly and laughed when he waved his wand. They found out a moment later that the wand of winter’s fury he was carrying wasn’t broken, and that the performer was very experienced with it.
