Thursday is coming out on DVD.  This was the first feature film I ever made.  I almost stopped making films after it.  It was a terrible shoot.  My friends were not supportive.  In fact, they were the main problem on the set.  This has always kind of colored my view of the film.

I have been wanting a proper DVD release of the film for some time.  I started to input the original files into my computer.  This was going to be a completely new edit.  I just don't have it in me to re-edit the film right now.  It still brings up too many issues that I don't quite want to deal with.

I am okay with the actual on the set stuff.  I have reconciled that part of the shootings with my friends.  I have completely forgiven them.  I don't think they even knew I was upset at the time.

My current problem with Thursday  is that it was written in response to Life.  It was intended to be an anti-love story.  I then started to fall in love during the filming and started to rewrite the script.  I now have multiple ways in which the love story can go.

I have been over her for quite some time.  That's not really the problem.  I think I am too over her.  I have a sort of clarity and freedom to where I don't really care about her any more as a person.  How would I edit this without caring about her?  The film would now take precedence over any concerns for her.

She is the only friend I have ever lost.  I have lost contact with other friends, but I could still get in touch with them today and not feel awkward.  I am involved in a certain type of cold war with her.  Neither one of us is speaking to the other.  I tried contacting her a few months ago to let her know some news that affected her.  I didn't hear anything back from her.  I doubt I will let her know that I released the DVD of the film in which she is starring in.  I don't think she really cares.

Her lack of caring gives me a certain freedom.  I always felt like I couldn't talk about stuff before.  Now I feel like it is fair game.  We already aren't speaking.  What else could she do?

The fact of the matter is that she was a large part of my works.  We got into a fight on the set of Thursday  because she was jealous of the Christine that appears in Life.  If we had not been in front of a group of friends, I would have said, "You know, you could be my Christine, if you would stop .... other men."  Our friends didn't know what started our little fight.  We weren't dating, and we weren't more than friends.  We just fought.  We also flirted at the worst times.  She would flirt with me in front of her boyfriends.

She is the reason the script changed in Thursday.  And our little fight about my Christine also led to my writing Fairy Tale Romance.  It is our story, except that ours doesn't have the happy ending.  I think she knows that.  I didn't hide it very well.  The funny thing with that film is that I made it after the rift.  I wrote it about her and used it as a way to heal.  She was written to be the love interest.  During filming and editing, she became the evil curse my character was trying to break.

I don't know how you discuss a film like that.  People can ask me what it is about, but it means something different if you ask me as the writer or me as the director.  As an editor, I usually try to reconcile the writer and director.  There was no reconciling on that picture.  What I had written for her was not going to be portraying her in a very positive light.  The split was too final.  As a director, I was not going to let a good script go to waste.  I was going to make our story a film for all of the world to see.  I didn't care about her.

I think I have changed since then.  I would like to reconcile with her.  I don't want to be friends with her.  We were never very good at being friends.  I don't want a relationship with her.  I want a peace between us.  I don't want an awkwardness between us if ever we should see each other.  I want to be on friendly terms with her without being friends again.

The oddest thing about her is that I know that we hold within us the potential to completely and utterly destroy the other person.  We know too much about the other person that we wouldn't want shared with the world in general.  We can mortally wound each other with our words.  We know the other's weak spots. 

I'm tired of the unspoken war.  I want a truce.  I want a disarming of both parties. 

She was a large part of my life and work for several years.  I am at a point in my career now where people are asking about my works.  I can't discuss them without discussing her.  I think she knows this.  I can't keep beating around the bush and not answering questions.  The half truths will eventually catch me in a lie.  If I just tell the truth, I won't have to worry about the contradicting half truths.

The truth is going to be coming out.