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Blogs by Charles Keller
The Dark Cave of PTSD 9/13/2024 6:28:43 PM
Beginning of the book I'm working on about the tragedy of PTSD Beginning of the book on PTSD.
What do you think?
PTSD is a kind of hibernation of the damaged soul. When I think about my time in Vietnam it seems like an “ out of body" experience. I was good at my job. We were all well trained to carry out our duties. Some might consider us too well trained.
Looking back I sometimes, during the worst of times, felt like I was looking down at myself doing the necessary things to help a wounded Marine or dealing with a body which was a breathing human being a short time before it came to me.
When the rockets fell around us and the " Red Pisser” (AC-130 gunship) flew in giant circles firing the stream of red tracers into the darkness below, there was a “shield” which the brain formed in my psychological system which protected me from the reality around me.
I don't know if it's the same for other veterans who had similar experiences but doing research for this book, I've talked to many vets whose memories instantly take them back to traumatic events during combat.
Walking in a Walmart once an employee dropped a pallet behind me.
Before I even had time to think, I was lying on the cold floor. My traumatized brain sensed a rocket or mortar round and instinct forced me to immediately fall to the ground. This probably sounds crazy to average folks but I'd be willing to bet something similar has happened to others who have experienced war.
The fourth of July is fun for most people. I can deal with it if I'm watching with my conscious mind but let a kid throw one of those little popper things behind me when I'm not aware of it and my guts turn over like it did during the 1968 TET offensive.
It's been almost 60 years since my 21st birthday in Danang. I'm not sure my words here will have any resonance with fellow veterans but if one person can read them and be helped to begin to see the light at the entrance to the “dark cave of PTSD" then I will take that as a tiny success.
My Dad served on LST 898 (USS Lincoln County) during World War II.
He was at the Okinawa landing during April of 1945. He was 22. He never told me about that. I got a copy of his service records after he died. That's one of the reasons I'm writing this. His memories died with him. I hope by sharing some of mine, along with the experiences of other vets, there can be a spark of hope in others who hold it inside like I did for almost 50 years.
PTSD isn't new. Veterans of every war since time began have had similar traumatic events which probably, like mine, had a horrible effect on the remainder of their lives.
Some of the things I share in this book are extremely personal. I'm not proud of everything I've done but it's therapeutic to have finally realized that my Vietnam time changed me. Tragically, I allowed it to make me seek refuge in that dark cave for too long. That cave is a lonely place. What could I, and all the others who've hidden from reality there, have accomplished. What positive things could have changed the course of our lives?
There are 22 veterans every day who commit suicide! There are veterans of recent and current battles who NEED to know there's hope. The VA has helped me finally find a way to deal with the reality which affected my life in such negative ways.
Any combat vet who is dealing with issues like the ones who have wasted so much time in that horrible, dark cave should seek the help they need.
There are people at the VA who CARE.
There is NO shame in seeking help. As a matter of fact, it takes courage to admit the need for help.
