Yes once again it’s Prom Time for high school students. Prom, you might or might not know, is short for promenade. According to Webster’s Dictionary, this should mean that high school students either are taking some sort of leisurely walk, or else they are taking part in a ceremonial grand march at the opening of a formal ball. Ahem. Do either of those descriptions sound like proms that you have witnessed?

Remnants of what was once a very prim and proper dance certainly remain. Music does play a major role in the event, although what is allowable in terms of “dance” movements seems to present interesting challenges to school administrators. And there does still seem to be a more formal aspect to the expected attire, especially in terms of tuxedos for the boys. Girls seem to have gained much more latitude, however, as evening dresses have largely given way to contests about how much skin will be revealed.

But I digress. I have experienced this event with two of my older teenagers already, so I have a few good ideas I would like to share with you. This article is meant to give parents a few tips about how to prepare for these prom-related activities in ways that will keep the fun while warding off some of the dangers that are inherent to this teenage festivity. Your job on this evening is to set the boundaries around what is considered appropriate behavior, and to plan for resources in the event that something goes awry.

I am not here to tell you exactly what the boundaries are, but rather to help you set them up. First of all, let’s talk about the difference between rules and wishes. A rule has consequences. A wish does not. If you say that you expect your daughter to be home no later than one hour after the prom ends, that’s a wish. If you say that you expect your daughter to be home no later than one hour after the prom ends or else she loses a week of cell phone privileges for each 5 minutes she is late, that’s a rule.

Second, stick with active rules, things that your teenager can actually do instead of not do. You want to have a good example? How about: you will drive the car as long as you have been drinking non-alcoholic beverages only. This is so much more precise than “you won’t drive drunk” (I cringe when I think about how often I have heard parents make this exact sort of statement). Think of this as an avoidance of what I call “Dead Man Rules.”  If you say things that a dead person could do (don’t do this, don’t do that) you are only telling them what you do NOT want them to do. Instead, try to communicate as much as you can about what you WANT your teenager to do.

Third, before making pronouncements on your own, ask your teenager to come up with their own set of rules. In other words, ask them what they think the boundaries of appropriate behavior first. You will have to work less hard if you allow your son or daughter to go first, and you will create greater buy-in precisely because you allowed them to have a voice in the process (even if it isn’t the final word).

OK, so you have created rules (and not wishes) that are active (not things a dead person could do) and were built on a set of ideas that both you and your teenager have developed together. The last thing you have left to do is to come up with a plan for what happens if anything begins to fall apart in the plan. For instance, can your teenager call you for a ride if they feel unsafe? And can they do this with no questions asked? You get the idea. Talk out loud about whatever it is that could happen, the things that you are most concerned about, and develop some guidelines for how to deal with these events.

As the saying goes, forewarned is forearmed. Or in the case of your teenager and prom night, the more back-up plans you develop for all of the things that could go wrong, the more likely it is that your teenager will go to greater lengths to make sure those plans do not have to be put into action. And in the event that something goes awry, you have given your teenager a set of tools for dealing with whatever situation they are facing.