Welcome to the July 2001 Twilight Dynasty Newsletter!

Sorry the newsletter's late this month. I decided to take a well-earned vacation from my law practice, and time became meaningless... at least for a while. I hope I've made it up to you with the larger summer format.

**TABLE OF CONTENTS**

- "Laying Down the Law" (or "The Legal Brief" )
- Short Story of the Month - "Through a Dream Darkly"
- "Barry's Short Story Archives"
- "Site of the Month"
- "Mythos News"
- Article of the Month - "The English Language" by Anonymous
- "Robin's Rant" (The feminist's perspective) by Robin Light
- "Closing Remarks"

=====================================================================

"LAYING DOWN THE LAW" (or "The Legal Brief" )

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: None. They're all true.

Along this vein of thought, here are some excerpts from actual court transcripts as published in "Disorder in the Court." (Thanks to my fellow author, Bruce Sheets, for wading through this text to share with us the funniest of the funny) Enjoy, people:

1. Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

2. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

3. Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

4. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

5. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

6. Judge: "Well Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, Your Honour. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

7. And, my favourite (for some reason):

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A good lawyer can often smell blood, like a shark zeroing in on his helpless victim. I call this tale "The Great Wagon Caper", for lack of a good title --

In the midst of a personal injury action by a farmer whose hay wagon was struck by a motor vehicle, the defence attorney commenced his cross-examination of the farmer litigant like so:

Lawyer: Mr. Higgins, I understand that the first police officer to arrive on the scene of the accident inquired as to your physical well-being, is that right?
Litigant: That's right.
Lawyer: And, I understand you told the officer that you had "never felt better". Is that right?
Litigant: Yes. That's correct.
Lawyer: Well then, how is it that you are now claiming that you were seriously injured when my client's vehicle struck your wagon?
Litigant: When the officer arrived, he went over to my horse who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then, he went over to my dog who was riding on the wagon. He was all banged up, so the officer shot him too. When he asked me how I felt, his gun still smoking from having dispatched my animals, I just thought it would be safer to tell him that I never felt better :)


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"SHORT STORY OF THE MONTH"

- My short story of the month, posted just for my newsletter subscribers, is entitled "Through A Dream Darkly". I hope you all enjoy it. Use the following link to check it out: http://www.members.home.net/barry.smith/darkly.html
- (For new subscribers, my previous Stories of the Month can be accessed through the Archives below.)

"BARRY'S SHORT STORY ARCHIVES"

- Here is a complete collection of links to all of my previous monthly Short Stories:

1. "A Siren's Cry" is posted at: http://www.members.home.net/barry.smith/siren.html

2. "Eyes of the Serpent" is posted at: http://www.members.home.net/barry.smith/eyes.html

3. "The Seductive Stranger" at: http://www.members.home.net/barry.smith/stranger.html

- Remember, I thrive on feedback (positive or negative), so feel free to email me any comments that you may have by clicking on the flashing email button at the bottom of any of the story pages. - My newest subscriber is a Avengers fan who hails from Australia, so I am working on a new Elsa Steele story for her. Elsa Steele is my rendition of Emma Peel. (See the story "Twilight Town" on my web site if you want a blast from the past.)
- As always, the above stories have been posted exclusively for the enjoyment of my newsletter subscribers. From the Short Story sites, you can surf through the balance of my website; although, there is no link to these stories from the main site. So, once you've read or printed out the stories, feel free to explore the Twilight Dynasty website, which includes a virtual tour of Muskoka, Ontario, the setting for Twilight Dynasty, as well as further updates on the Twilight Dynasty mythos.


"SITE OF THE MONTH"

Although many of the subscribers to this newsletter are well aware of the Zoe site, I would be remiss if I didn't let my entire subscriber list know about the best on-line writing workshop on the Internet, Francis Ford Coppola's Zoetrope Studios. The site boasts a membership of over 24,000 and growing, and has sections for short stories, poetry, novellas, and screenplays. Whether you're a published author, or just want to polish your craft and chat with other like-minded individuals, this is the place to be. If you're a closet writer who only shows his or her work to friends and relatives (who will generally tell you it's good, so as not to hurt your feelings), join me, as well as Robin, Bruce, RD, and all the rest of this super critique group. We'll be kind, but honest.
Take a free tour of the site at: http://www.zoetrope.com/
By the way, the short stories that I publish monthly were for the most part workshopped at Zoetrope Studios, so I thank all of my Zoe friends for their input and positive criticism.


"MYTHOS NEWS"

Well, even though I hate tooting my own horn, I guess this is a newsletter about "Twilight Dynasty", so I should bring everyone up to date. I just finished a four month publicity campaign with Phenix & Phenix. I want to thank my campaign manager, Andrew Berzanskis for a truly excellent job! I was featured on eleven radio shows including the nationally syndicated "Weissbach, The Quest" broadcast from Seattle. These venues included major markets such as Detroit, Phoenix, and Minneapolis. In addition, I received three further print reviews, including a full page review in The Muskokan under the eye-catching title of "Ritual Murder and Dirty Sex". "Twilight Dynasty" was featured on six more Internet sites, including four reviews, one website radio interview, and one written interview. "Twilight Dynasty" isn't a household name yet, but I'm working on it.
While on vacation, I've started the daunting task of launching into the second draft of "Twilight Dynasty: Temporal Justice". The Twilight Dynasty mythos continues and develops further as I introduce a new major character to the story. I guaranty that even Robin will like this new star in the twilight firmament.
I try to post all of the latest up-dates on my own writing career on the "Mythos News" page of my website, so feel free to check it out periodically at: http://www.members.home.net/barry.smith/mythos.htm


"ARTICLE OF THE MONTH"

Hey, did you catch Robin's Rant last month about anonymous authors. Well, I'm not sure whether the following article was written by a man or a woman, but I'll go out on a limb and suggest that it was... a man, because it's so good... :)

"The English Language" by Anonymous

We'll begin with box, and the plural is boxes;
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a whole lot of mice,
But the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
When couldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

The cow in the plural may be cows or kine,
But the plural of vow is vows, not vine.
And I speak of a foot, and you show me your feet,
But I give a boot - would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
If the singular is this and plural is these,
Why shouldn't the plural of kiss be nicknamed kese?

Then one may be that, and three may be those,
Yet the plural of hat would never be hose;
We speak of a brother, and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.

The masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis, and shim!
So our English, I think you will all agree,
Is the trickiest language you ever did see.

I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you
On hiccough, thorough, slough, and through?

Well done! And now you wish, perhaps
To learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.

And dead; it's said like bed, not bead;
For goodness sake, don't call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
(they rhyme with suite and straight and debt)

A moth is not a moth in mother.
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there.
And dear and fear for bear and pear.

And then there's dose and rose and lose --
Just look them up -- and goose and choose.
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword.

And do and go, then thwart and cart.
Come, come, I've hardly made a start.
A dreadful language? Why, man alive,
I'd learned to talk it when I was five.



"ROBIN'S RANT" (The feminist's perspective)

- Many of you out there think Robin's little column is the best part of my newsletter, so I've decided to drop the column from... Oops, did I say that out loud? I'm sorry. I'm not really jealous of a mere girl-- um, I mean, woman. I'm afraid of her, but I'm not envious. So without further ado, here's her last-- er, I mean, her latest "Rant":

"The Care and Feeding of Carpets"
By Robin Light.

I called my mother tonight for some advice - more specifically, to find out if she knew how to get latex paint out of a carpet. Silence on the end of a phone, and then - "You really come up with the oddest questions dear."

I can see her point. I just moved last weekend and so for the last little while my mother has been getting strange phone calls from me, such as - "This oven is disgusting. What do I do?" Buy a can of Easy Off. "Can I use Easy Off on the chrome burner plates?" No, use steel wool. (Which works great, by the way) "So, can I use steel wool on the soap scum in my bathtub?" Good god, no! Use Ajax.
And so on.

(Note to all of you who are beginning to ask why I go for advice on cleaning to my mother and not my dad? No - nothing to do with gender roles. Mum lives in British Columbia, Dad in Ontario, and I tend to start my cleaning projects later in the evening - far past the east coast bedtime. So there.)

It turns out that dish soap and water, and a whole lot of scrubbing works fairly well on paint and carpeting, and after that crisis was solved the topic turned to this column.

I need a topic. This piece is due tomorrow and frankly, I feel much more inspired by the Russell Crowe movie I rented than sitting in front of a blank computer screen.
"Well, write about cleaning your carpet."
Hmm, not really feminist oriented, is it?
"Make it feminist oriented."
?

Okay. From here I could go into the politics of cleaning, who does the cleaning, how much of the cleaning, the person behind the one hired to do the cleaning, and the often pitiful wages they are paid. But it's hot, and it's late, and right now I can't remember my own phone number much less a columns worth of statistics.

I lean to the more obvious question: Why is there paint on my carpet?

Well, I am now living in a very beige building, with a lot of very beige walls, accented by an ugly pea soup green first-cousin-to-shag-rug. Would it really hurt so much to paint one wall brown? (Maybe it hurts the rug, but I think at this point, anything would help it. It's really that hideous.)
Redecorating. Nesting. Whichever it's called, what I am doing is building a safe and comforting environment where I can retreat to after a day on the front lines of life.

Somewhere I can find my sanity after a day filled with:

People my own age who call themselves "Men" while I am referred to as a "girl".
Older men who, seeing me sweep the sidewalk in front of our store, tell me that I'm "going to make a fine wife someday."
Women who look at our selection of wedding invitations and, when finding out I'm not married or involved, ask "Why not? You're pretty enough."
Males who tell me I'm not, and use that as a weapon when I don't turn my head to their hollers.

Personally, I think I have a right to create a little spot where no one else can come and bother me. I just need to remember to use drop cloths.

robin_light@yahoo.com

(Okay, I've decided to rename this column. It will henceforth be called "Robin's Nest", for obvious reasons. Yo, guys, let's throw a party to celebrate Robin's newly decorated nest. We might as well have it at Robin's place now that the ‘girl' has spruced up the place and cleaned that nasty carpet stain. I'm sure she won't mind the company. BHS)


"CLOSING REMARKS"

Well, people, that's it for the fourth instalment of the Twilight Dynasty Newsletter.
I'd be interested in knowing which parts of this newsletter you liked, and which parts you hated... yes, even if you hate my input. I will cry, but I'll get over it. If there's something that you'd like to see more of, I'd be pleased to try to accommodate your requests. Also, if you know anyone who you think would enjoy receiving this newsletter, send their name and email address to me at: newsletter@twilight-dynasty.com or have them sign up on the Author's Page of my website at: http://www.members.home.net/barry.smith/TheAuthor.htm
See you in August. Until then, enjoy that great summer weather :)

Best regards,
Barry