Hi, Queens!

I know. I know. I'm been AWOL recently. Now that summer is tucked away and school is back in session, I am returning to my work throne.

During my summer off, I experienced a transformation. Although, this transformation is still in progress, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that a major shift has occurred.

And I can't wait to tell you all about it. But first...

What appeared on the surface to be a most unproductive summer turned out to be much more. I got through the draft of my manuscript for the book for parents/caregivers of tweens. And now am in the middle of rewrites with my editor.

Yes, I did stop and celebrate.

But something even better happened. Do you remember my affirmation about not allowing things outside of my self to control me?

If I’d give you the keys to my journal, you’d see that I struggled all summer long with all those things outside of me. I wouldn’t drink Diet Coke, then I would. I wouldn’t drink alcohol, then I would. I wouldn’t eat chips (or all those wonderful tasty “bad - for - you” foods) and then I would.

And if you were holding all my journals, you’d discover I’d been writing about “those things” controlling me for thirty something years. You read right. Thirty something years.

Finally I can say and mean it: “Nothing outside myself controls me,” which has led to an even greater feat—no more self bashing. Again you read right. And a new place of being for me. Ahhh. It feels good. So good.

On the magic day ...What magic day? ... There was no magic day….

It simply happened. Nope. No anniversary date. I can’t tell you at what exact moment “it” happened. And although it might reek of something “happening overnight,” please recall the reference to my journals. NOT.

This releasing has taken many prayers, books, conversations, essays and more prayers. But more than that this releasing took years—many, many years.

What I want to do over the next few issues is tell you how I reached this new place.

Now for those of you who need a reminder of what the mean voice is like...

Here's a short essay I wrote after Christmas about five years ago with mean voice in full swing.

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I love visiting my family. I really do. And the older I am the better it gets. Still plagued by the “mean” voice, though, I’m not completely comfortable once there. My mean voice says things like, “Yep, I knew it. My sister looks better than me. Thin. Able to wear tight jeans.”

Thank goodness with each passing year the mean voice gets less and less attention. And it just so happens that I don't care as much about my physical appearance anymore. Oh this doesn’t mean I’m ready to throw in the towel—no, I still regularly play tennis and walk or jog five times a week.

I’m simply finding contentment. But I say that, and yet I’m still tortured. As I roll out of bed and glance at my hands I say, “Yep, just as I thought…swollen.” I chide myself for failing to remain on the low - carb fare in preparation for the visit. Looking in the mirror, I fuss at my face. “Fat. Yuck. Control yourself. What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you be more like your sister?”

Then, I start with the promises. “Next time. Next time.” And finally I realize how hopeless my optimism is. Suddenly I’m tired and angry. Feeling fat makes me snap—makes me grouchy. But despite the unwelcomed arrival of the mean voice, I still laughed. I still smiled. Better yet, I left feeling more loved than not.

Even with my tortured experience others told me I looked radiant and beautiful. Graciously I accepted, but deep down didn’t believe them. Regardless love and laughter flowed to and from me and all the while I felt a profound connection to many people, some related some not. This week I loved them all and this week I felt they all loved me back—faults, mean voice and all.

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Stay tuned. I'll be sharing what I did to finally rid myself once and for all. And it feels so good.

As always love to hear from you!

Royal blessings to you and you,
Allyn Evans
www.allynevans.com
www.queenpower.com