Hi, All!

Still working on editing what used to be titled, "Grab the Queen Power." I am hoping by August, I will be able to announce that the project is completed! Actually, I am hoping for a double announcement...that my second book is ready for publication as well. Or at least in the final stages of editing. :) Yes, this summer heat is making me a little crazy!

Regarding the reworking of QP...Something suprising is happening. I am enjoying revisiting the 50+ women who were interviewed for the book. Their stories are so valuable and meaningful. They are stories that need to be shared with generations to come.

One of today's features articles includes the voices of some of those women (including quotations or answers that never made the book).

Enjoy! Hope you are having as much fun as I am this summer.

Take care, Allyn
info@allynevans.com

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Feature Article #1: Women's Voices Revisited
To read this article scroll down or click on the link: www.allynevans.blogspot.com.
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Feature Article #2: Because I Said So
www.thealertparent.com
“I overheard some girls talking about how much they hated their parents,” my daughter told me. To read more, click on the link: wwww.thealertparent.com.
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Feature Article #1: Women's Voices Revisited

I am revamping my first book. Yes, it's getting a new title and face lift. I am excited about it and will share the new cover with you here, once I get the final draft.

While going through this process, I taking time to re - read the book. I want to find those errors and typos that got by us during the first publishing attempts.

Doing this brings me back into the material and the voices of the women who talked to me and others about their lives.

Here are some of their words (some in the book and some not).

"I can remember being nice was a goal of mine. I would write it down on my list. 'Be nice!' How many boys would have that as their goal?" (laughs) Kathleen, 35 years old.

"My mother started telling me when I was little . . . Don’t let anyone cause you to try to be somebody else.” Christine, 91 years old

“My aunt was my role model. She had no children, when I visited her, I was the Queen. At my home, we had nine children and my mother always had a baby on her hip. Aunt Dorothy would take me to guitar lessons, water ballet lessons, made doll clothes for my dolls. I was the Queen Bee.” Vicki, 59 years old

"I would pick my battles differently. I would be a little bit different there. I wouldn’t care whether my daughter wore pink shoes with a blue dress. Whereas I did at the time." Kitty, 60 - something year old

"I’m not going to be like my mother. That ended up being twenty years of hell—trying NOT to be like my mother." Margaret, 55 years old

One interview was most meaningful to me. The woman, who has since passed away, had ovarian cancer. She was most reflective. I included a few of her answers below.

She told me "There was always this expectation that you grow up and get married. A lot of women didn’t see that there were choices."

She told me that as she played the wife of role and mother she felt misplaced. "I felt like there was somewhere else I was suppose to be. Something else I was supposed to be doing. I was intellectually and emotionally stifled. I didn’t feel like I was a contributing member to the human race. I always felt like I needed that and that I wanted to keep learning."

She also confessed, "I had to suppress the real me."

I asked her what advice she had for mothers of daughters.
"I think if I had to do it over it again, I think I would have encouraged my daughter in different ways. I would have honored her strenghts to help her find her way. Personally, I was never encouraged in any direction in one way or another. Neither was I discouraged. No one ever said to me, 'Okay, you have a good way with words…you should consider writing for the newspaper, enter a writing contest.' Nothing was ever encouraged that way. It was like having tunnel vision growing up. There were no forks in the road."

And now I will return to one of my favorite quotations and one that ended the book.

When asked if she had anything else to say, an 80+ year old woman responded, "I done said enough." Well, me too!

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Feature Article #2: Because I Said So

“I overheard some girls talking about how much they hated their parents,” my daughter told me.

I knew a few of the targets were really good parents, and suspected the ones I didn’t know were too.

What makes children claim they hate their parents? While there can be serious issues hidden behind closed doors, for many the “hate” comes from the caregivers’ role—restricting activities and constantly telling children what and what not to do and when to do it.

Not long ago several girls at my daughter’s school got in trouble for cutting themselves—one child was mad at her parents for grounding her and not allowing her to see her boyfriend.

Another child also blamed her parents: “They expect too much from me,” she told friends.
All parents and children have a similar dynamic going on—parents restrict, nag and sometimes yell, children try to break free. But it’s been my observation some parents and children seem to still have solid relationships while others are continually at odds.

How do we balance being the disciplinarian and a loved and respected caregiver?

How do we balance our job of restricting and allowing freedom while keeping our child safe and emotionally healthy?

And isn’t part of restricting and making rules enough to make a child declare “I hate you” at times?

An expression of intense hatred or self - mutilation demands we evaluate what we are doing. If I found myself in this situation, I would seek expert counsel for me and my child.

For the rest of us—who are dealing with every day issues and the normal vicissitudes of life—what is the best way to restrict, discipline and nurture our children?

Over the years research demonstrates the best parenting style is an authoritative style. Using this style means directing our children’s activities in a rational manner. It involves communication and requires a caregiver to give reasons for decisions as well as listen to the child’s objections or concerns.

It may be the toughest style to use—it requires establishing rules and controls while not hemming in the child with restrictions and no choices. This style combines warmth, nurturing and love with controls and rules—but rules that can be flexible when reason or a situation demands a different scenario.

Truth be told, I tend to be authoritative with tendencies toward permissiveness. My problems arise because I dislike schedules and rules, and get tired of playing nag. This means I have to fight a tendency to not demand enough.

Because I recognize this about myself, I create follow up systems or reminders for myself.

Thankfully, my husband is a walking model of authoritative parenting, which also helps.

To be more authoritative, practice being demanding. Create and enforce rules and have expectations about what will and will not be done—like chores or curfew. Be responsive to your children.

When they need your attention and/or help, be available. As your children grow, you’ll need to give them more freedom. Establish consequences, if the child violates the ground rules, but do allow a re - testing of the waters again when appropriate.

Parents really do have so many lessons to teach and behaviors to correct, while keeping their children safe. Being in control while not being overly restrictive requires discipline and attention from the parent not just for the child, but for herself.

And the reward for balancing our job of restricting and allowing freedom? Keeping our children safe and emotionally healthy, while enjoying them as they grow and develop into adults.

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info@allynevans.com