TIME

I spend an inordinate amount of time dwelling on well - meaning emails from friends, in - laws, and outlaws advising me on behavior I have always taken for granted. They seem to think that because of Primary Lateral Sclerosis, and having suffered a broken collarbone over Thanksgiving, I am a victim of all the slings and arrows of outrageous misfortune that anyone should have to endure.

Actually, I am as sound you even you think you are.

Of course, being 81, I started thinking about a status symbol of today are those cell phones everyone has clipped to his belt and pants. I cannot afford one — so I am wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my kid brother’s hearing aid. He now has what they call a “blue tooth” on his ear. I also spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized people did not like me, anyway. And I have come to the conclusion women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about old age, and when you still have something on the ball, people do not realize you may be too tired to bounce it. I even toyed with the idea of making a fitness DVD and calling it “Pumping Rust”. I even forgot about that dreaded furniture disease. You know — when your chest falls into your drawers.

When people come in my house and see a litter box they stupidly ask, “Have you got a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it is for company.” (Actually, we have not owned a kitten since my daughter’s pet passed away years ago.) Applications always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I always write in: “A good doctor.”

I was thinking the other day about how some people seem to read the Bible, as they get older. Then it dawned on me — they are either looking for loopholes or cramming for their finals. (I am hoping God grades on the curve.)

Then there are the expressions of a wise or clever observation, or a general though of ignored truth: for example, the nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

Money will buy a damned good dog, but only petting will make him wag his tail. And if you do not have a sense of humor, you probably have no sense at all.

Seat belts are nowhere near as confining as wheelchairs, and a good time to keep your mouth shut is when you are in deep water.

Did you ever wonder how come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night? And what about business and political conventions? Is there any other way to demonstrate how many people a company or a country can operate without?

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks? Scratch a dog’s belly, and you will have a permanent job. No one has more ambition than a kid who wants his own car. And there are no new sins — the old ones just get more publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. Like, it could be the right number. And no one ever says, “It is only a game,” when his team is winning.

You guessed it: I have reached the age when “happy hour” is a nap. And be careful about reading the fine print. There is no way you will be pleased.

You ever notice that the problem with bucket seats is that not everyone has the same size bucket? Also, do you realize that in just a few years we will have thousands of old gals running around with tattoos they cannot get rid of? And rap music will be Golden Oldies?

They say money cannot buy happiness. May be. But somehow, it is more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo. And after 60, if you do not wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

I honestly believe you should always be yourself. Those who do not mind matter the most, and those who mind do not matter at all.

As an American and a great - grandfather, politicians and diapers should be changed often — and for the same reason.


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