Hi Everyone!

This past Saturday, Sept. 20th, was my husband’s late wife’s death anniversary. These occasions are so tough, aren’t they? But take heart – they DO get easier.

Case in point…This year, I decided not to be the one who, as usual, brings up the significance of the day. I kept “mum” and allowed Hubs to lead the way for once. Usually I just tell him that I am aware of the date - that I’m “here” if he needs me to be, and that my heart is with him. But this year, I just wanted to see how he would handle it without my “interference”. Knowing Hubs as I do, I had a feeling he would be just as “mum” as I was.

True to his nature, the day went by without so much as a word. We drove PAST the cemetery on our way to Home Depot, but he still said nothing. I sort of expected – or maybe HOPED? – we would turn into the cemetery driveway.

Then it occurred to me – are these anniversaries always lose/lose situations for GOWs/WOWs? I mean, on one hand, we’d loooove to be invited by our men to share in their innermost thoughts, grief, and feelings on these occasions. But on the other hand, would we be prepared to share that kind of intimacy?? Would we really WANT to hear that he missed her and still loved her, and then watch him cry about her absence??

Such a conundrum!!

I thought I would feel relieved when the day passed without a mention of the late wife. But instead, I was left with paranoia – Did I miss something? Did he visit her grave without me? Shouldn’t husbands and wives share everything together – even this? Why won’t he share his feelings with me? I’m his WIFE, dammit!!

The worst selfish thought I had was this: If he could so easily forget her, then imagine how easily forgotten I would be if I croaked tomorrow!! I could just picture him with his new wife #3, merrily driving past my grave on their way to Home Depot to buy a new toilet seat, without so much as a thought about me! Wahh!!!

The next day, I felt uncharacteristically depressed, but still managed a fake smile. Hubs, knowing his wife better than she knows herself, asked me what was wrong. “Didn’t you know what yesterday was??? How could you have forgotten?” I cried. OK, I thought, this is weird – like I’m sticking up for the late wife!!!

His response reminded me why I love him so: “Of course I didn’t forget, Love. But YOU’RE my wife now. THIS is my life now. I loved her then, but I love YOU now. And even though it will always be a part of me, the past is behind me now. How can a person move beyond bereavement if they keep stepping back in time and re-living it?”
(How indeed!)

I replied, “But what if I were to die tomorrow? Would you ignore my death anniversary without so much as a passing thought? Would you not honor me, our love, and our marriage in some special way?”

And the Great One responded, “I don’t believe a widow/er has to visit a graveyard to pay homage to their departed spouse. We can do that every day in our hearts…by learning to love again, by embracing life and living it to the fullest, and by appreciating everything God gifts us.”

Pretty smart cookie I married, eh? J


Blessings…Julie :)

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September Questions of the Month – And YOUR Answers!

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1.) What, in your opinion, are the major differences between being a WOW versus being a second wife to a divorced man?


~~I feel it's harder being a WOW than a second wife of a divorced man because when you divorce someone you normally want to end things and move on from that person and have a fresh start. But when someone dies, the spouse didn't have a choice in the matter and it's very hard to move on. When you're the person they are moving on with, you're not fighting with an ex-spouse, you're fighting the memory of a beloved spouse who they didn't want to lose in the first place. When kids are involved some think we are lucky because we don't have to deal with angry ex-spouses, child support, weekend visitation, etc, but instead we have to deal with children who's pain is so deep from the loss that you know nothing you do will ever take that pain away and the loss will be with them always even though over time it will lessen.

~~ As a divorced person married to a widower, I know that he misses his first wife whereas I don't miss my first husband. This is a big difference! Widows/widowers did not want their first marriage to end, whereas the divorced usually did. It's a completely different way of looking at the past! I'm relieved my past is behind me, whereas he is
not.

~~In my opinion, competition wouldn't be as much of an issue marrying a divorced man, as the second wife would already be "ahead" in a sense--even if she left him, the second wife would be doing "better" in a sense just staying with him. On the other hand, that situation could be difficult if the second wife is concerned about the former wife changing her mind.

~~I fondly refer to divorced men in their 50s (my age group) as the bitter and hateful generation. They've either decided that after all these years, the grass is greener and ditched their wives, or their wives have decided that a prison sentence would have ended about the same time as their marriage and the marriage. Most haven't dated in 25 years and didn't do it well then, and can't seem to do it well now. I don't mean to lump all of them together, but many seem clueless about what went wrong in their relationship. Widowers, on the other hand, had a good marriage and if there hadn't been a death, it probably would have continued. Both situations mean living in the shadow of the "first" -- I either have to be better than the divorced wife to "redeem" womankind -- divorced men seem to lump us all into the same category. OR I have to be so completely different from the late wife so as to not remind him of her.

~~There are MAJOR differences. A widowed man didn't ask for his late wife to
be taken away from him or his family. A divorced man may not have asked either- but I bet they can give you many reasons they're glad they're gone. The widowed man takes much longer to tell you the "bad stuff" about their late wife. The friends of the late wife (depending upon time frame of the death) are less likely to warm up to the GOW/WOW because they are still dealing with the loss.


2.) If your widowed boyfriend/husband lost his late girlfriend/wife via a terminal illness, how does he react when YOU get sick?

~~When I have a cold or something, my husband takes very good care of me and is very solicitous. His first wife died of cancer, so if I go to the ob/gyn or anything like that, he always wants to know every detail of what was said. So minor stuff, he is OK with. Anything in the direction of major, he seems a little worried.

~~My BF is very supportive when I'm not feeling well. Honestly, he has just the right combination of being concerned and helpful without being overprotective.

~~It's not how he reacts to my illness, but how I act. I don't share when I get sick. I don't want him to get scared. He and his wife were married only 3 months when she was diagnosed with cancer. Their entire 8-year marriage focused on her illness. I don't want to be any reminder of that. I feel that no matter how sick I am it's not as bad as it was with her. He talks about how strong she was facing her illness -- no matter how bad I feel or sick I get, the fact is SHE DIED. On the rare occasion when he does find out I'm not feeling well, he never trivializes it and is caring and concerned.

~~Late wife died of breast cancer- a disease that lasted 2.5+ years. I encountered a bladder infection after we made love. He panicked! He felt it was his fault and was very apologetic. I also had LASIK about a month into our relationship and he was very giving in taking care of me that weekend. He came to my house, picked me up and took me back to his house so as to keep an eye on me (no pun intended). He was an extremely good caretaker. I know that he doesn't like doctors, hospitals, etc - but when the need
arises, he will go or take his kids. He is fearful of losing anyone else and HATES ultra sounds!!! His daughter had a bladder infection and he didn't want her to get an ultra sound for fear of horrible news. Needless to say she was fine- just a bubble bath problem.



3.) Has your BF/husband ever admitted that he has (in the past) or does (in the present) speak to his late wife’s ghost/presence/spirit? If he has never admitted this, do YOU think he has/does? Do YOU ever speak to her in this way? If so, why?…and has it helped you?

~~He's never admitted it and I don't think he does. But crazy as it sounds, I do. When I'm having problems with her daughter and I just want to give up, I'll say things to her like, please forgive me, I'm trying my best. Usually I'm apologizing for my feelings because these are not always loving feelings that I have for her child, and I feel guilty. It's kind of like I feel she knows what's going on - her spirit is with us and I even look to her for guidance or strength. I've kind of adopted a “we're in this together” attitude.

~~We never have discussed whether he speaks with her or not, but I know I do! I have had many a mental conversation with her, and before we got married, I wrote a long letter to her and left it on her grave. It's cathartic for me and is also my way of grieving for her,
to be able to tell her things that I obviously never could while she was alive. I feel that she and the Lord brought my husband and me together, so why wouldn't she listen to me now?

~~Yes, he has admitted it--through dreams that have subsided in the last couple of years. I do believe it's possible--I've had similar experiences. No, I have never tried communicating with the LW, or felt that she has communicated with me. I did have a dream earlier in our relationship that she came back, so I had to leave. I think that was just a weird dream based on my own insecurities.

~~I have no idea if he talks to her -- I would doubt it. I, on the other hand, speak to her all the time. She had his heart and his ear, why wouldn't I approach her? When I need him to trust me as well as his feelings for me, I talk to her and ask her to intercede. It helps me. After all, we both love the same wonderful man. I think she and I would have been good friends. Her friends say I have a lot of her qualities and that's why we get along so well.
~~On our first date with my now-committed BF, I recall hearing a calm voice saying 'treat him right', 'take care of him', 'he'll be good to you'. I didn't know why I kept hearing these words. This was my official introduction into GOWdom. I had to have a glass of wine to calm my nerves. Now I speak back to the calm voice but I'm still not sure if it is 'her' or God speaking to my heart. Sometimes when I get anxious about a GOW situation, like being around his family, I speak to the voice. I often wonder if my BF is making me a mental basket case...I'm speaking to myself...is this normal? I believe my BF speaks to her and I'm certain he dreams of her. Nevertheless, the voice has helped calm me and reassures me when in doubt.
~~He doesn't really talk to her too much about himself - at least not that he admits. He has talked to her about their kids. I had recommended that he speak to her but he felt that he either wasn't ready or that there was nothing she could do at this point. He's not religious and doesn't know where her spirit is. Sad, but true. I believe the late wife is in heaven- from our conversations, he's lead me to believe that she was Christian. I have talked with the late wife many times. I spoke with her the first time I formally met her children. The little girl was very excited to meet me and we bonded instantly. She hugged me goodbye and didn't want to let go. I talked to the late wife all the way home! I asked her for her blessing in our relationship, thanked her for helping to mold her family, and apologized for her illness, pain and suffering. Upon our break-up, I visited the site where the late wife’s ashes were spread. I made peace with her ghost within myself and although he and I are not together, I feel as though she and I would be friends if she were here, because the (one-sided) conversation released some of my fears, reservations, anger, and sadness.


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Questions Of The Month (October):

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Tsk, tsk, tsk…I had to send out a reminder last month to get you gals to send in your responses to the Questions Of The Month. Now, I KNOW that I won’t have to do that again, will I, hmmm???? (Don’t I remind you of your MOM??? LOL!)

1. Do you believe that your husband has evolved away from his late wife? In other words, do you believe that he’s a very different husband with you than the husband he was while married to his late wife? Why, or why not?

2.) What was the #1 worst thing anyone ever said to you regarding your status as a GOW or a WOW? How did you respond?

3.) Do you believe that society hampers a GOW/WOW’s growth and/or acceptance? If so, how?

~~Send your answers to juliedonnerandersen@mail.com. Your privacy is of the utmost importance; therefore, your identity will be protected and your answers will remain anonymous if posted to the newsletter. Participation is crucial to keeping this newsletter alive, so please, send ‘em in! J Thank you!

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DEAR JULIE

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Dear Julie,

I am a WOW and have been happily married for almost 3 years (husband was widowed for 3 years prior to our marriage. He and his late wife had two children together).

I dealt with a lot of WOW issues early in my marriage, but with good communication (and your fabulous book!), my husband and I have worked through most of them. I truly believe that he is beyond bereavement, and I know that he loves me dearly. We are even about to have a baby of our own in January (my first, his third)!

So why am I writing to you? Because I can’t seem to shake this roller-coaster depression. Some days, I am just fine with my WOW status. Other days, I feel like “second best” – like I will never be #1 in his heart. I thought that by now, with all the work we’ve done together to overcome my WOW obstacles, I’d feel more secure – but I don’t.

What’s wrong with me?

Signed,

Baby Blue


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


Dear Blue,

What’s WRONG with you? Nothing’s wrong with you! You are a healthy, happy, normal WOW, with normal and natural WOW feelings that come and go, just like every other WOW! Heck, even the great author/WOW extraordinaire (a-HEM! pointing at self – LOL!) rides that stupid roller coaster once in awhile!

OK, you’re also full of hormones, what with being pregnant and all. But that’s OK, too. (But if, after having your baby, you still feel depressed, please tell your doctor.)

Perhaps you are feeling slighted in some way, since your husband already had two children with his late wife. You may be feeling that, for him, the thrill of having a baby just isn’t the same. He’s already “been there and done that”. You want the experience of having a baby to be unique, special, and one-of-a-kind…but he’s already experienced it.

Perhaps it saddens you to realize that this baby of yours will never be his “first”, but sharing the experience of having a baby with the man you love WILL be special, unique and one-of-a-kind!! After all, he has never had a baby before with YOU, has he? So, in essence, this IS a “first” for him, too!

I attended a lecture recently about instilling self-esteem in children. The speaker said something so simple yet SOOOO profound, that I often think about it many times a day. She said, “In the history of the world, there has never been another YOU, and until life on earth ceases to exist, there will never be another you! YOU are unique. YOU are special. Your DNA will never match another person’s DNA. Your face, body, character traits, even your smile – will never be duplicated. God literally broke the mold when He created you. So be the best YOU that you can be, because there will never be another YOU!”

How true! Doesn’t that make you just tingle all over, knowing how special you are? Don’t you think your husband realizes this, too? Of course he does! And knowing how divinely unique you are, how could he possibly have had THIS baby – your baby - with anyone else BUT you?! Now THAT’S a “first”!!


Blessings…Julie :)


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Pen Pals

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If you still need a pen pal, please let me know.

Also, keep in mind – I do my best to match you with a WOW or GOW in a similar life situation, but cannot always succeed because we have so many members. I’m sure your pen pal and you can find common ground if you just try.

Those of you who have been happily corresponding with each other, please tell me...

What have been the positives and negatives of having a WOW or GOW pen pal so far?

Send your answers to: juliedonnerandersen@mail.com

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NAG, NAG, NAG!~!~!~!

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Gals, I really need your help! Please choose to do one of the following (Heck, my 44th birthday is Oct. 1st – I’d consider it a gift from you to me, tied up with red ribbon, with balloons and a birthday cake - with waaaaaaay too many candles! LOL!):

Go to Oprah.com – Click on Story Ideas…and tell her about WOWS and GOWS!

Do the same for Sharon Osborne’s new show (I think it’s at the Warner Borthers TV website??). She may be weird, but she pulls no punches – which is exactly the kind of MC a show about WOWs and GOWs needs!

Write a review of my book at Amazon.com and/or BarnesAndNoble.com.

Tell your friends about “Parentally Insane: Insights From The Edge…Of Midlife”, my new book that debuts at Christmastime. (For a sneak peak, tell them to go to http://www.authorsden.com/juliedonnerandersen.)

Call your local library, and INSIST that they purchase my book for their collection (via the publisher at http://www.iuniverse.com).

Call your local talk radio station, and volunteer as a guest caller if they contact me to be their guest speaker on one of their shows.

~~The only way to get WOWs and GOWs the help they need is to spread the word! Your help is so very much appreciated! Thanks ever so much! ~J.D.A.

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ENCOURAGEMENT

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A wonderful message by comedian George Carlin, who recently lost his wife:


The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too
little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and
hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember: Spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember to say a kind word to someone who looks up to
you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all, mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment, for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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HOW TO STAY YOUNG:

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yours elf with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

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OK, I’ll try #10: I love you gals. I really do. :)

Until next month…

Blessings…Julie :)

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