Howdee, All!

Halloween is coming! I love this holiday, even though I spend nearly $50 on candy to dole out to cute Trick-Or-Treaters. It’s fun for the kids, which is all that matters to me. My toddler is going as a crocodile. You can barely see her little face under all those white, pointy, fabric teeth! LOL!

As fun as this holiday is for me, as a WOW, I get that familiar uncomfortable feeling this time of year because of all the references to death, dying...and ghosts. Not that I believe in ghosts, but in the back of my mind, I wonder if this holiday triggers Hubs’ grief somehow...or if it ticks him off that the subject of death can be made fun of so easily. Seems kind of disrespectful, if taken too seriously – which is why I choose to just enjoy the goblins at my door and let Hubs take the "crocodile" out for some candy.

And that’s what attitude is all about – it’s a choice. We can CHOOSE to be gloomy when it comes to our guys and their grief (and our ghosts!), or we can face life with a positive outlook and not borrow trouble.

Pass the candy!!!! Happy Halloween!

Blessings...Julie

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Questions Of The Month (from the October Newsletter) and Your Responses:

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1. Do you believe that your husband has evolved away from his late wife? In other words, do you believe that he’s a very different husband with you than the husband he was while married to his late wife? Why, or why not?


~~Sadly, my bf is a very different person than the husband he was. With her, he had his own version of the "American Dream", and now it’s gone. It's as if all his strength went into being the best caregiving husband he could be. She died of a horrific cancer and he never wavered in his devotion to her. It's like he can't go back to any kind of normal life, so as soon as things become to "real" with me, he retreats. He's kind and wonderful and giving and loving, but there's always a line -- his fear -- he can't cross to make our relationship permanent.

~~Everyone says that he's very different with me - more laid back. They had a different lifestyle and didn't always get along. Then she got sick and it was 3 years of cancer hell for them and not a lot of happy days. By the time we met, I think he was ready to find happiness again.

~~Yes, he’s changed. How could he NOT be changed? He endured so much, and it made him a better person to have survived it. I feel lucky in that he’s probably a much stronger, wiser person with me than he was with her.


2.) What was the #1 worst thing anyone ever said to you regarding your status as a GOW or a WOW? How did you respond?


~~Amazingly, it came from my friends -- the question about what it must be like to follow in the steps of a dead woman.

~~Someone from his late wife’s family said they couldn't believe he was moving on already and replacing her - it was 2 yrs after her death when we met! I kept my comments to myself because I didn't want to start something. Like the time someone in the family called me her name on accident and didn't even notice. Boy, what we go through!

~~It's interesting to me that the things that have been said to me (that have been most difficult to hear in terms of dating a widower) have come from close friends and relatives who weren't meaning in any way to be negative about me or my personal situation. One friend was telling me how she couldn't believe that a particular celebrity had remarried, as she thought of his late wife as his soul mate. She told me about this when I was confiding in her about my insecurities--sort of looking at the other side of the coin. Other things that have bothered me have been the insistence of relatives that they would never remarry after losing a spouse, which is of course a personal choice, but makes me feel defeated even though it didn't come from my BF.


3.) Do you believe that society hampers a GOW/WOW’s growth and/or acceptance? If so, how?


~~I was into bereavement counseling when my father died. We read the results of a study done across the US of people who had never lost a loved one to death -- how long does it take "get over" the loss? The average answer was 2 months!!!!! How absurd! People seem to think that it's that easy. However, on the flip side they think that no one can replace their loved one or friend. I don't want to replace anyone. I just want to make the man I'm with happy. He deserves it and so do I. The key is patience and education of the reality of loss and a validation of the grief process. It's different for everyone.

~~I guess we don't fit into one of society's typical love stories as GOWs/WOWs, and I'm someone who believes in the influence of cultural stories on society. There was "Sleepless in Seattle," but that ended (like most romances do) just as the issues would be beginning. I want to see "Sleepless in Seattle 2--Stressed Out in Seattle".

~~Until people in society get it through their heads that WOWs and GOWs are NOT replacements, then we will always be made to feel that way. I think it helps for the widowers to speak up and let it be known that we WOWs are not replacements. I think society really needs to hear it from them.


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Questions Of The Month – November

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1.) Was your engagement ring the same as/worse/better than the late wife’s? Did this bother you/please you?

2.) Do you get anxious whenever your hubs/BF wants to go somewhere that you know was special to he and his late wife, such as a vacation spot, restaurant, hotel, or someplace else?

3.) In what areas, if any, do you feel “superior” to the late wife/girlfriend? In what areas do you feel “inferior?”


~~Send your answers to juliedonnerandersen@mail.com. Results posted in the next month's newsletter. Your privacy is of the utmost importance; therefore, your identity will be protected and your answers will remain anonymous if posted to the newsletter. Participation is crucial to keeping this newsletter alive, so please, send ‘em in! Thank you!..JDA

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DEAR JULIE

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Dear Julie,

My BF, a widower of one and a half years (after 10 years of marriage), and I have been dating now for about 6 months – and he has never kissed me on the lips! Oh, he’ll give me pecks on the cheek, but anything more intimate, and he freezes up! His explanation is that he has never really liked kissing. He claims that even when he was a teenager, he couldn’t figure out what all the fuss was about “making out” with your date.

We have not been sexually intimate yet. I’d like to take our relationship to that stage, but because of his kissing phobia, I dare not. My feeling is that he is not ready to be intimate, sexually or non-sexually, with anyone just yet. I think he feels he’s betraying his late wife by kissing another woman so soon after her death. It’s confusing, because he’s very affectionate in other areas, like hugging, hand holding, etc.

How do you know when it’s a “widower thing” or just a weird “guy thing”?

Signed,

“Waiting Lips” in Texas



Julie Responds:


Dear Waiting,

Had he not lost a wife and still was unable to kiss, it’d be just a weird guy thing. But the fact that he lost his wife and cannot bring himself to kiss could very well be a widower thing. The fact is, it’s probably both. But there’s only one way to find out…

Did he kiss his late wife on the lips? You don’t know? ASK HIM! If so, then ask him if he enjoyed it. If he says no, then it’s a weird guy thing. If he DID enjoy it, then it’s a widower thing.

Sometimes, WOWs and GOWs have to play detective. Not in a sneaky way, but in an open communication way. Some psychologists and psychiatrists warn women not to delve too deeply into a man’s past, as it can only lead to heartache - we won’t always like what we might hear. Pishaw, say I – and here’s why:

Everyone has a past that includes former girlfriends, lovers, mates, etc. But these former relationships came full circle – there was a beginning and AN ENDING. Coming to grips with those endings is what is called “closure”, meaning that the ending stayed in the past and does not affect the future. Not so with grieving widowers. Their pasts still leak into their present lives sometimes. Discovering – together – the differences between his relationship with her vs. his relationship with you only aids in unlocking some of the unsolved mysteries of behaviors that affect your present relationship.

As WOWs and GOWs, our work is cut out for us when it comes to our men. Not only are we called upon to be sympathetic, patient, and empathetic to his grief, but we must also try to figure out the mystery of grief and how it continues to play a part in our men’s lives and our relationships with them. Being able to speak openly about the late wife – and his relationship with her – helps to unravel the widower idiosyncrasies that may pop up from time to time in your relationship.

If your guy can’t bring himself to discuss this issue with you, then all you can do is decide whether or not you want to be with someone who doesn’t like to kiss. Kissing may not be a big deal to some people, but to others, it’s a huge part of a loving relationship. If he is passionate, affectionate, and loving in other areas, I don’t think you have a lot to worry about. If it’s a betrayal issue, time will solve it in due course.


~~Do you agree? Disagree? Have some advice to help this reader? Let me hear it! juliedonnerandersen@mail.com


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NAG, NAG, NAG!~!~!~! :)

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Gals, I really need your help! Please consider one of the following:

~~Go to Oprah.com – Click on “Story Ideas”…and tell her about WOWS and GOWS!

~~Do the same for Sharon Osborne’s new show (I think it’s at the Warner Brothers TV website??). She may be weird, but she pulls no punches – which is exactly the kind of MC a show about WOWs and GOWs needs!

~~Write a favorable review of my book at Amazon.com and/or BarnesAndNoble.com. Or write another one (you can be anonymous) to boost the rankings and therefore making the book more visible to buyers.

~~Buy a copy of “PAST: Perfect! PRESENT: Tense! Insights From One Woman’s Journey As The Wife of a Widower” for all your family (and extended family) members as a Christmas gift...perhaps sending it anonymously. It might help them understand you, your significant widower, and their role in your life(lives).

~~Call your local libraries, and ask them to purchase my WOW book for their collections (via the publisher at http://www.iuniverse.com).

~~Call your local talk radio station, and volunteer to be a guest caller if they contact me to be their program’s guest speaker.



The only way to get WOWs and GOWs the help they need is to spread the word! Your help is so very much appreciated! Thanks ever so much! ~J.D.A.

And one last shameless plug...

~~Tell your friends about “Parentally Insane: Insights From The Edge…Of Midlife”, my new book that will debut on Mother’s Day 2004. (For a sneak peak, tell them to go http://www.authorsden.com/juliedonnerandersen.)


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JUST FOR FUN...

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GEORGE CARLIN STRIKES AGAIN...

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ...they're cramming for their final exam.

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

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ENCOURAGEMENT

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When I was in my younger days,
I weighed a few pounds less,
I needn't hold my tummy in
to wear a belted dress.
But now that I am older,
I've set my body free;
There's the comfort of elastic
Where once my waist would be.

Inventor of those high-heeled shoes
My feet have not forgiven;
I have to wear a nine now,
But used to wear a seven.
And how about those pantyhose-
They're sized by weight, you see,
So how come when I put them on
The crotch is at my knee?
I need to wear these glasses
As the print's been getting smaller;
And it wasn't very long ago
I know that I was taller.
Though my hair has turned to grey
And my skin no longer fits,
On the inside, I'm the same old me,
It's the outside's changed a bit.

But, on a positive note...

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today,
life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life."

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt
on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I
usually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

~~Written by Maya Angelou


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I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own!
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

~~Author Unknown

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"To the world you might be one person – but to one person, you just might be the world"


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NEWS OF THE WEIRD

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Widower Said to Store Wife in Freezer

by ANABELLE GARAY
Associated Press

PHOENIX - A 75-year-old man stored his wife's body for nearly six years in his backyard, twisted and upside down in an old freezer, because he hoped she could someday be brought back to life, authorities said.
When police went to Edwin Rowlette's home after receiving a tip from his daughter, they found dozens of cats along with feces and urine inside the house. The backyard, where one of the daughter's friends discovered the body, was cluttered with garbage, debris, insulation and furniture.

Authorities found Marcia Lynn Rowlette's body packed in dry ice and insulation and stored along with the bodies of ten dead cats. Rowlette told police he used the cats for research.

Rowlette was arrested last week on a felony charge of crimes against the dead. Investigators are trying to determine if he legally acquired his wife's body from a funeral home and whether he submitted the proper documents.

"One of the areas that we're looking at is if he had committed a fraud in obtaining the body," said Prescott police Sgt. Michael Kabbel.
Prescott, a pine-studded town of about 33,000, is located 90 miles north of Phoenix.
Rowlette told police he was keeping his wife's body frozen in hopes that someday science could bring her back to life.

Marcia Rowlette was wheelchair-bound and lived in a nursing home before she died Dec. 15, 1997, of respiratory failure. The 38-year-old woman had a history of rheumatoid arthritis and musculoskeletal problems.

"She had a lot of congenital anomalies that made it difficult to do anything," said Karen Gere, medical investigator with the Yavapai County medical examiner's office.

After her death, Marcia Rowlette's body was transferred to a funeral home. The body was released to the McCandless Research and Development Foundation after Rowlette submitted documents showing his wife's body was being donated for scientific research.
Rowlette said he created the foundation in 1985 and bills it as an organization that supports scientific research and humanitarian causes. Police are investigating whether the foundation is legitimate.
The president of the Scottsdale, Ariz.-based cryonics facility said to be storing the body of baseball great Ted Williams said he was unfamiliar with Rowlette's organization.

Alcor Life Extension Foundation president Jerry B. Lemler also noted that cryonics is generally performed with liquid nitrogen, not dry ice, because liquid nitrogen is colder.

"I hate to be the one to burst the bubble on this man's dream," Lemler said. "He had a dream that we share here at Alcor. But I don't think his methodology was very thought out."



Julie responds:

OK, dead cats AND a dead wife in the freezer? Grief is a mysterious thing, but this takes the (frozen) cake! LOL!...JDA


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BOOK REVIEW

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(Obtained from Amazon.com. Reviewer’s name unavailable.)

“Widower’s House: A Study in Bereavement, or How Margot and Mella Forced Me To Flee My Home”, by John Bayley.


Literary critic John Bayley, husband of novelist Iris Murdoch and her devoted caregiver during the several years that she was infirm with Alzheimer's until her death last year, has written several personal and revealing books on the last days and the death of his wife. This is the third of his trilogy.

Bayley says early that after his wife's death, he felt afraid, and really quite unable to cope. Even old friends seemed frightening: "All old friends were now threats." Of his wife's effect on him he writes, "And although Iris was unaware of it in the old days, before she was ill I was always under her protection."

A catastrophe, then, has occurred; he is alone in the world, and scared of the world. She is gone, and he finds himself in demand - the object of solicitous attention and effort ' but unable or unwilling to value the people, especially the women, who offer it.

Of his situation he writes that widowers "don't lead lives. They wait for something to happen. And when something does happen, it becomes a muddle from which at once they have to try to escape." In fact, Bayley writes that he wants solitude, not company, but it is company that he is warmly and enthusiastically offered.

An old family friend, a widow, "Margot," extends courtesy, warmth, and a variety of selfless kindnesses to him. Margot brings him casseroles. Bayley confides to his reader that he dislikes casseroles, but it is an un-endearing confession. Eventually he becomes reacquainted with "Mella," an enigmatic and unlucky young woman, a former student, who not only makes a series of good attempts to clean his famously squalid house, but also passes many not at all unpleasant hours with him.

These two women shower the recalcitrant Bayley with attention and affection. His response is for the most part lukewarm at best, and horrified -in a sort of quiet and not quite subtly misogynistic horror - at worst.

Bayley was lucky: he lived in what he freely describes as a physically chaotic and dirty mess, took minimal care of himself and - from the sound of his report - made paltry efforts toward others. Still and all, he was attended to with grace and kindness.

He writes, "How much I had suffered lately from kindness, and from goodness." I would offer that widows will not see themselves or their situation in that of John Bayley - and may even want to give him a good shake.

The second half of the book is a series of interesting musings on grief and loss, with good literary allusion and references (Thomas Hardy, Kipling, Shakespeare, Milton, Virginia Woolf, and many more). In addition there is good description of his married life, Alzheimer's disease, and of his life as a caregiver. A mystery involving Margot and Mella is resolved, and for Bayley there is a happy ending.

This is a story that is worth reading for a look into the mind of the author. I'd disagree with its publisher, who claims on its cover that it is "a book to be give into anyone dealing with the catastrophic loss of a loved one. " Many widows' primary problem is acute social isolation, which was not experienced by Mr. Bayley - a man who, despite his protestations, was awfully lucky in the year of his widowerhood.

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JULIE’S MAILBAG

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A Newsletter member wrote:

Dear Julie,

Last summer I wrote to you about my childhood friend, Pam Adams, who lost her second husband to suicide, leaving her with two young children. She has since remarried and written a dynamite book about her son’s experience with his grief. It’s a children’s book. The website for ordering it is:

http://www.sonsgriefjourney.com

If you look at it, I'd love to know what you think!

Signed,

S.S.


Julie Responds:


Hi S.S.,

Thank you for sending this! What a fabulous idea for a children’s book!! I’m sure there are many GOWs and WOWs whose widowers have children. Giving them this book as a gift to their stepchild(ren) would be a lovely gesture. Even if it’s been several years since they lost their mother, children take a long, long time to move beyond bereavement.

As S.S. said, the author IS a lovely person. I have been in contact with her, and find her to be a caring, down-to-earth person and very humble about this project of hers. She’s sending me her book to review, and I will post my review in an upcoming newsletter.

I wish Pam Adams all the best. I admire her courage.

Blessings...Julie


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