SEPTEMBER 2004 WOW/GOW Newsletter –
Julie Donner Andersen


Hi Guys and Gals!

First of all, my most sincere apologies for getting this newsletter to you so late! My computer was infested with a virus, plus some nasty worms, and I had to have it “disinfected”! Of course, having minimal computer knowledge required that I take the blasted machine into the shop, and then scurry to the library daily to do my business, hoping a computer would be available. I apologize to anyone who vainly tried to reach me via e-mail during this time, but my poor ‘puter is back on track and I am now available shold you need my urgent attention. J

Anyway, back to business!…

BIG NEWS! My illustrated humour book is finally at available for pre-sale via my Authors Den page and through Amazon.com...just in time for Christmas! (Think “gift idea” for your friends and family!) “Parentally Insane: Insights From The Edge...of Midlife!” was three years in the making, and I am quite proud of this one. After spending years in the throes of grief research for “PAST”: Perfect! PRESENT: Tense!” it was kinda nice to be able to laugh again and write humorous stories about my midlife woes and crazy family. Many thanks to Derek and Joy Steele of Steele Studios, Inc. for their fabulously funny illustrations, and to all of you, my friends, for you continued support. I am nothing without you.

Many of you wrote to say that you enjoyed my interview last month with my widower neighbour. Dr. Tim also received some great e-mails and is anxious to again enlighten me/you with his wealth of knowledge. I will be sure to include Part II of My Interview With A Widower” in October’s newsletter! In the meantime, please enjoy this month’s newsletter, featuring Tim’s wife, Angie – a former GOW and present WOW, who unabashedly shares her fears, joys, and triumphs with us. Thanks, Angie!

As always, I’m only an e-mail away!

Blessings…Julie


(~~Julie Donner Andersen is the author of “PAST: Perfect! PRESENT: Tense! Insights From One Woman’s Journey As The Wife of a Widower,” available at Amazon.com and BarnesAndNoble.com. Julie’s illustrated humour book, “Parentally Insane: Insights From The Edge…of Midlife!” is now available for pre-sale and will be delivered Oct. 31, 2004. Her personal website is http://www.authorsden.com/juliedonnerandersen Julie can be reached via e-mail at juliedonnerandersen@mail.com)

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(Disclaimer: The opinions, feelings, and emotions displayed in the articles, stories, news articles, and poems in this newsletter do not necessarily reflect the same as the newsletter owner and author Julie Donner Andersen, and should not be construed as her personal advice/opinion, nor should they be considered her personal endorsement. Thank you.)


ARTICLE:

Interview With A WOW: Part I
By
Julie Donner Andersen


I had the distinct pleasure of talking my down-the-street neighbour – a WOW – into allowing me to interview her for this month’s newsletter.

Angie Prentice (name altered for privacy) and Dr. Tim Prentice have been married for 4 years and have a 2 yr. old son. Angie is a nurse.

The following is Part I of my interview with my good friend and neighbour, Angie, with my thanks. It has been transcribed from a taped interview:

Key:
J = Julie
A=Angie

J: Angie, thank you for allowing me to do this interview. I know it will help my readers to know that they are not alone in their fears and joys regarding being in a relationship with a widower.

A: My pleasure, Julie.

J: Angie, what was the hardest thing you dealt with as a new GOW?

A: Well, I’d have to say it was that annoying picture issue you speak so well about in your book! Susan’s (Tim’s late wife) pictures were everywhere. They were so intimidating to me. Looking at them always brought about a mixed bag of emotions. Sometimes, I’d feel guilty, like I had no right to love :”her” husband. Sometimes, I’d feel angry, like “Hey, you’re DEAD! You don’t have a hold on him any longer!”

J: How did you deal with this issue?

A: You gave me your book, remember?! (laughs) Seriously! From it, I learned that I had not only a right but also an obligation to speak up about my insecurities without fear of judgement. Communication was KEY to understanding each other’s feelings. But it wasn’t an easy subject to just casually bring up. I had a professional portrait taken of myself, framed it in a big 8x10” gold frame, and presented it to Tim, asking if he would please put it in his office at the pet hospital. (Tim is a veterinarian). His desk had previously been covered with pictures of he and Susan, and it always made me uncomfortable to go there and see them. Anyway, after he opened his gift and listened to my request, he asked me why the pictures bothered me so much. We had a HUGE 4 hour discussion about GOW issues, grief issues, and his late wife and their marriage. Looking back, I’d have to say that that was the BEST 4 hours of my life. Sure, I cried a lot (laughs), but it was so cathartic, and our relationship seemed to deepen overnight.

J: Was there ever a time during your courtship that you felt your GOW issues were just too much to handle…and did you ever feel like calling it quits with Tim because of them?

A: Don’t all GOWs? I mean, I think it’s normal to question whether or not you are strong enough for this kind of relationship, because it’s so different from any other. I dated a few men before Tim, mostly divorcees, but that was different because I didn’t have to SHARE these men with their ex-wives. With Tim, I learned that sharing his heart with his late wife was CRUCIAL to our relationship’s survival.

J: In our interview, Tim mentioned that he appreciated your acceptance of Susan, but he also said that you were not that understanding in the beginning. (laughs) What changed your mind/heart?

A: Making Susan my friend instead of my enemy was like breaking some kind of chain around my heart. Through your book, I began to understand that she helped to make him the right man for me, either by her being his wife or through her death. I used to go to the cemetery and “talk” to her once a week or so. Maybe I was just talking to myself, I don’t know. But it seemed to help.

J: Tim also mentioned feeling “guilty by betrayal” when you and he started dating. Was that apparent to you, and if so, how did you deal with it?

A: Tim and I had been seeing each other for about 2 months. We had not been intimate yet, but were “on the verge”. It was about that time when Tim withdrew and stopped calling me. I was so devastated, because I knew right away that this was the right man for me. So, I marched myself over to his house and kinda demanded to know what was up. He said he had all of these confusing feelings, and just needed time to work them out. I told him that I understood, even though I didn’t really, but that I wouldn’t be letting any grass grow under my feet while I waited. Of course, I knew that I wouldn’t date anyone else because I was totally in love with Tim, but he didn’t know that. Men are very possessive, and I think he came back to me right away because he didn’t really want to lose me. When he did come back, I made sure to have a long talk with him about his guilt feelings, and recommended bereavement support therapy (BST), which turned out to be our salvation.

J: How so?

A: BST gave Tim an opportunity to have his feelings validated by others who walked in his shoes. It’s so healing to know that you are not alone in your confusion...that that confusion is actually normalcy and not insanity! I get the same feeling reading your book and newsletter. Everyone needs to hear “There, there, it’s alright” But you also need to learn how to overcome those negative feelings, too, and BST was great for that. BST really shows a widower that there IS life beyond bereavement.

J: Ang, thanks so much for talking with me today. Will you allow me the pleasure of another interview for a future newsletter?

A: Sure! I feel like a celebrity! (laughs)

~END.

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QUESTIONS OF THE MONTH – SEPTEMBER (and your responses)

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1.) Would you marry/date a widower again should (God forbid!) anything happen to your widower? Why or why not?


~~Honestly, I am not sure I would date or marry a widower again. I hope I don't have to face that predicament! It would depend on the man and how open and honest he was about the LW and their relationship. I hate to admit this, but if we hadn't gotten married when we did we probably would have broken up by now. You know how it is in a relationship when you reach that point when you know you can't go on? Well I probably would have reached it. It is so hard to be with a widower and to know that his heart is full of another woman. I have tried to be unselfish and mature about all this, but have to admit now that I am selfish and immature.

~~No way. I am just a GOW...but if I should become a WOW and lose him...I will never ever put myself through this again.

~~I would definitely date a widower again. It has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have such great respect for him and what he has been through.

~~No, I would probably avoid it. While it has meant finding a wonderful man who makes me very happy, I would not willingly choose to again go through all the insecurity, frustration and self - doubt that feeling 'second best' involves.


2.) What is one personality trait/value – good or bad - do you believe that you and the late wife have in common? Explain.


~~I don't think the LW and I have anything in common, other than our love of music....and our love of the same man.

~~I think we are both very community oriented and we both a aggressive in pursuing the best for our children. His late wife was very aggressive overall...I can be aggreesive and domineering also...but I am working hard to change that. Her aggressiveness has contributed to him being so passive and indecisive sometimes and I don't want to feed into that.

~~I think me & his LW have compassion in common. She was a therapist and worked with kids with problems, the way that my BF described her understanding their plight is similar to my own feelings and wanting to make the world a better place for children.

~~On the good side - Intelligence, depth, a sense of humour and fun. On the bad side - stubborn and argumentative -- just like him. Its helpful to hear him say that they also had many arguments and issues while they were together…Somehow feels like a relief to know their relationship was not always picture perfect either.


3.) Do you believe that the late wife’s spirit/ghost/presence is around you always/sometimes/never? Explain why or why not.


~~I felt her ghost/spirit everywhere when we were together in their home. It drove me crazy. He sold the house, moved out of their town, and we bought our own home together where I live. Best thing we could have done! I feel her spirit when we are in his children's homes (which is understandable) and whenever he gets sad about her death and sometimes when we are making love. Is that sick or what?.

~~She's EVERYWHERE...I call her "Enemy of the State"...not that she's my enemy...but like in the movie-His LW is just like the
government. She's on the walls, she's in her kids (of course), she's
on the answering machine, she's in notes still left on the wall...clothes still in the closet...Sometimes, I have to just strip everything and runnnnnnnn...in my mind that is. I have to just totally detach. When I tell my SO that I am on L.O.A.D. (Lisa overload acute disorder)..he knows I have had all the "Lisa" I can take for one day. (name changed).

~~I think her spirit is sometimes around. I actually had a dream with her in it a few days before my BF & I went away for the weekend and she was thanking me for bringing her husband so much happiness and that she was glad that he was happy. They couldn't have children due to her illness yet there was a baby in the dream - a dark haired girl - the LW asked me to take care of her (???) After 6 mos. of dating we have committed to an exclusive relationship and said "I love you" - my BF biggest fear is the acceptance of our relationship fro m his friends and family because it's only been 9 months since his wife passed - he keeps saying everyone tells him he should wait a year. Due to this I haven't met any friend or family so I feel like mistress. He says they all know about me but I have the feeling that he hasn't disclosed to them that we are now serious. I feel confident that time will resolve this - hopefully after the 1-year anniversary of her death he will be comfortable to bring me into his circle.

~~Yes. A weird thought occurred to me the other day. My widower had a number of short unsuccessful relationships after the LW's death. I suddenly wondered if somehow she - wherever she is 'up there' - had a hand in 'choosing' me to meet him. If she loved him so much, maybe she waited and searched for someone worthy of his love and who would love him and much as she did before me. The thought kind of freaked me, as I suddenly saw her as a potential friend and ally, rather than the rival who I resented so often.


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QUESTIONS OF THE MONTH – OCTOBER

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OK, gals, send ‘em in! Pick one or answer all three…but DO share with us! Don’t make me bombard your e-mail with nag notes! LOL! Results posted in September Newsletter, due out Sept. 26th….JDA

1.) Have the interviews with Dr. Tim and Angie Prentice shed any light on your GOW/WOW issues? Would you like to hear more from them? If yes, what issues would you like Angie and Tim to address?

2.) In regard to your GOW/WOW issues, do you look forward to - or feel anxious about - the upcoming Christmas/Hannukah holidays? Explain.

3.) The WOW/GOW Newsletter is approaching its anniversary. Has this newsletter helped you? In what ways? What would you like to see added to this newsletter to make it more helpful to you? What things could you do without?

~~Send in your responses via e-mail to juliedonnerandersen@mail.com. Results to be posted in the October 2004 edition of the newsletter. Please do not use Julie’s messaging system through her website at Authors Den to submit responses, please. Thank you!


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DEAR JULIE

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Dear Julie,

I know this is probably the craziest letter you’ve ever received, but it would mean a lot to me if you could advise me about how to handle my problem. My widower boyfriend lost his late wife a year ago. He recently bought a puppy…and guess what he named her? Yes, that’s right - he named her after his late wife!

Now when he cuddles with the puppy, cooing over it and saying “I love you, Debbie”, I just want to run screaming into the street. Can you believe that I am jealous of a DOG? Why in the world would he name his dog after his late wife? Should this be a sign to me that he has not yet come to grips with his late wife’s loss?

Signed,

Pooh On The Puppy!



JULIE RESPONDS:

Dear Pooh,

I am a firm believer in the fact that each person moves beyond bereavement at his or her own rate of speed and in his or her own time. One widower may be ready to date again after 6 mos, while others, 6 years is still not enough. Everyone is different.

However, there is something about that first year that must be taken into consideration. Just as the earth revolves full circle around the sun, so too must a widower evolve through the stages of grief before he is ready to move forward.

During the first year after loss, a surviving spouse does many things that might seem strange to others but that are perfectly normal within the grief journey. Some men sleep with their late wives’ clothing. Some men actually wear their late wives’ perfume. Anything tangible that makes the late wife feel more near – more “real” – is cathartic to a grieving man.

It’s like a child who scrapes his knee. It hurts, but in his mind, his mother’s kiss on the boo-boo has magical healing powers. The sore still hurts, but not as much. The kiss helps the child deal with the pain in a metaphysical, psychological way. So, too, does a widower need comforting access to things that will help him to heal. The pain is still there and is still very real, but the tangible items help him over the rough spots until such time as he can cast them aside without fear.

Your BF’s act of naming his puppy after his late wife is comforting to him. It allows him to transfer his love for his late wife onto another living thing. It is an act of grief, yes….But it is more an act of self-healing. Sure, it’s uncomfortable for you to hear your BF cal his late wife’s name lovingly as if she were still present in this world. But if you remember to be understanding about his need to embrace the name – and thus the late wife - before he can let go, your patience will be rewarded…just as a boo-boo kissing mother is rewarded with love and respect by her hurting child.

Blessings...Julie


~~Do you agree? Disagree? Have some advice to help this reader? Got a question for me? Let me hear it! juliedonnerandersen@mail.com


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I NEED YOUR HELP, GALS! PLEASE??

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PLEASE!!!!! Ladies, I so enjoy doing this newsletter. It is a labour of love for me. But doing all my own book promotions (plus raising 3 kids, plus selling on Ebay, plus being a fulltime wife and homemaker…) is time consuming, but necessary. I don’t want to be swamped with so much promoting that I have no time left for the newsletter. But that’s where you can help…

It would take an entire newsletter for me to explain the “ins and outs” of online booksellers like Amazon, but suffice to say, the more reviews that appear on a book’s/author’s page there, the more visible it becomes to the general public and the search engines.

So please, can you do me one small favour today and post a (anonymous, if you want) review of my book at Amazon.com, Amazon.ca (Canada), and/or BarnesAndNoble.com? Promoting my book on these online store websites is by far the best way to reach other WOWs and GOWs, letting them know that REAL people are being comforted by it. Thanks a bunch, my readers!

~~~Calling all libraries! Yes, PLEASE call your library, and ask them to stock my book for their patrons. Most will be happy to accommodate. Or drop them a note in their suggestion box (most libraries have one) with the publisher’s name (iUniverse.com) so they can order it. Thank you!!

~~Please consider getting my new illustrated humour book, “Parentally Insane: Insights From The Edge…Of Midlife!” (Amazon.com and PublishAmerica.com) for yourself or as a Christmas gift for a friend or family member. Partial proceeds from the sale of the humour book go toward helping me set up a WOW/GOW convention in the not-too-distant future! Thanks all!


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JUST FOR FUN…

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Julie’s an Ontarioan…SHHH! It’s a secret! LOL!!!!


Jeff Foxworthy on Ontario:

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Ontario.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Wawa is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Ontario.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you might live in Ontario.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you might live in Ontario.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Ontario.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Ontario.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Ontario.


YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Ontarian if:

1. "Vacation" means going South past London for the weekend.

2. You measure distance in hours.

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

6. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

7. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

8. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

9. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

10. Down South to you means London.

11. Your 1st. of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

12. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

13. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."


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ENCOURAGEMENT

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In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah (on her show) for Dr. Angelou's 74th birthday. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older. And, there on television, she said it was "exciting." Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day...like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist first, she said. The audience laughed so hard they cried. Dr. Angelou also said:

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."


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WIDOWER INFO IN THE NEWS

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Marathon man, 93, started running as cure for a widower's boredom

Singh a poster boy for sporting-goods firm, international animal-rights group

By JAMES CHRISTIE
With a report from Joe Friesen
Monday, September 27, 2004 - Page A7

Read the entire story here:

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/ArticleNews/TPStory/LAC/20040927/MARATHON27/TPNational/Toronto


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NEWS WOMEN CAN USE

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“JPEG Of Death”

I don't know that much about it yet, but it is a virus that will turn your computer into a zombie. It is spread through pictures in emails and can be passed easily from computer to computer. I believe this is only a threat to people using Microsoft software such as Picture it, Visual Studio, etc. & anyone using their own imaging software such as PSP is not at risk. It also affects the OS and IE6 plus some other programs, according to the article. I know it's been said before but I gotta say it again: Imagine what these folks could do if they put their minds to use for good instead of creating havoc in the world.

GET UPDATES ON ALL YOUR PROGRAMS, and install the best antivirus porgram you can afford!

http://news.techwhack.com/430/microsoft-jpeg-exploit-might-result-into-a-worm-soon/

http://earthlink.com.com/JPEG+exploit+could+beat+antivirus+software/2100-7349_3-5388633.html?tag=newsfeed&subj=technews&part=earthlink&type=pt


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BOOK REVIEWS

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(All of the following book information has been gathered through the Amazon.com website)

FOR HIM:


I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can: How Young Widows and Widowers Can Cope and Heal

by Linda Sones Feinberg


Reviewer: Scott Barman "life-is-fun" (North Potomac, MD USA) -

Even as my wife was dying with cancer, I could not accept she was dying. After she died, I was torn apart with emotions that I could not understand nor that I could come to grips with. I had difficult time with groups because I was not "old" and did not have 30-40 years of with my wife, but we did spend half our adult lives together, and this is significant. I started to read this book and felt as if the author knew not only how I was feeling but how I was trying to deal with my loss. This book helps validate the feelings, explain why I am feeling this way, and what I can do to try to move on without being spiritual or condensending. In fact, the author even recognizes that a widower's experience is different from a widows and seems to consider that throughout the book. If you are under 50 and have been widowed, buy this book, read it, then reread it again. It may provide as much help as a therapist!!


~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


FOR YOU:


Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today's Blended Family

by Susan Wisdom, Jennifer Green

Product Details
· Paperback: 260 pages ; Dimensions (in inches): 0.68 x 7.98 x 5.26
· Publisher: Three Rivers Press (CA); 1st edition (February 26, 2002)
· ISBN: 0609807412
Editorial Reviews

Inside Flap Copy:

Love may be sweeter the second time around, but once the bliss of a newfound relationship wears off a little, the reality of being part of a stepfamily sets in. If you are one of the millions of remarried Americans facing the challenge of blending two existing families into one cohesive whole, you are part of a step couple and you know all too well how hard it can be to make your marriage work in sometimes tough terrain.

Different parenting styles, finances, relationships with ex-spouses, legal matters, and even seemingly simple issues such as the kinds of chores assigned to children can chisel away at your union if you don’t always make your marriage a priority.

Stepcoupling offers advice for step couples on how to do just that all the while strengthening their blended family with a healthy marriage. Susan Wisdom and Jennifer Green provide tips and strategies on dealing with the issues remarried couples face, with a wealth of advice from real-life step couples, such as:

* Learning to tailor your expectations of your spouse or children and remembering that no family is perfect
* Knowing where your boundaries are, whether involving a hostile ex-spouse or a stepchild who demands too much attention
* Realizing that traits like flexibility, tolerance, forgiveness, and openness are especially essential in a stepfamily situation
* Making ?us? time for talking, problem-solving, weekends away, and enjoying your marriage to constantly renew and strengthen your bond as a couple

Let this invaluable remarriage manual help you make your step couple the foundation of a strong, happy, and successful stepfamily.


About the Author
SUSAN WISDOM, LPC, is a therapist who specializes in counseling divorcing adults and stepfamilies. She lives in Portland, Oregon.

JENNIFER GREEN is a freelance writer who lives in Salem, Oregon.

Both authors have been part of successful step couples for the past twenty-five years.


Book Description:

Love may be sweeter the second time around, but once the bliss of a newfound relationship wears off a little, the reality of being part of a stepfamily sets in. If you are one of the millions of remarried Americans facing the challenge of blending two existing families into one cohesive whole, you are part of a step couple—and you know all too well how hard it can be to make your marriage work in sometimes tough terrain.

Different parenting styles, finances, relationships with ex-spouses, legal matters, and even seemingly simple issues such as the kinds of chores assigned to children can chisel away at your union if you don’t always make your marriage a priority.

Stepcoupling offers advice for step couples on how to do just that—all the while strengthening their blended family with a healthy marriage. Susan Wisdom and Jennifer Green provide tips and strategies on dealing with the issues remarried couples face, with a wealth of advice from real-life step couples, such as:

* Learning to tailor your expectations of your spouse or children and remembering that no family is perfect
* Knowing where your boundaries are, whether involving a hostile ex-spouse or a stepchild who demands too much attention
* Realizing that traits like flexibility, tolerance, forgiveness, and openness are especially essential in a stepfamily situation
* Making “us” time for talking, problem-solving, weekends away, and enjoying your marriage to constantly renew and strengthen your bond as a couple

Let this invaluable remarriage manual help you make your step couple the foundation of a strong, happy, and successful stepfamily.


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Legal mumbo jumbo:

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You are receiving this newsletter because you have joined through AuthorsDen.com or someone has sent your e-mail address to the service. This newsletter is not meant as spam. To unsubscribe, please send a message to the address below.

Note from Julie: As always, please feel free to forward this newsletter to anyone you feel it may help, or share it with your widower.

I’m just an e-mail away! :)

J.D.A.