Baby, It's Cold Outside

How do I keep warm while living in Minnesota? 'Taint easy! However, here are some of my suggestions.

I'm qualified to make them. After all, I've lived somewhere south of the tundra for more than a year -- and that includes enduring at least ten subzero nights between October through April.

1. My foolproof technique is to stay indoors with the thermostat pinned out around 90. That usually works as long as I can get someone else to pay my heating bill. I'm lucky. Our landlord takes care of that chore and she doesn't even require a fifty-percent surcharge.

2. When it's absolutely necessary to poke my nose out of my den, I use the three-layer system. First, I put on my winter underwear. Then, I add my warmest ski clothes. The last step in my preliminary preparations involves snuggling into the heavy-duty overcoat that I skinned off a bear during my youth. By the way, don't feel sorry for that furless varmint. He had already died of old age.

3. Step number three involves spending an hour or two in a yoga position trying to find an excuse for skipping the doctor's appointment -- or whatever seemed important prior to my zippering up my Eskimo gear. Any excuse works fine. It doesn't have to be valid. However, I usually have my spouse call the doctor to say I can't make it. I don't want him getting suspicious of me chickening out.

4. If all else fails and my illness reaches a critical stage where I might end up feeding the vultures or having a critical relapse, I scan Google for tips on cold-weather driving. There are few trauma-inducing experiences that match getting a fender bender when the temperature drops to thirty below. The police usually take a dim view of my wanting to exchange information with them while they are standing out in the cold. I tried it once and the sergeant insisted that I pass a sobriety test in my skivvies. There's no way he was going to endure the extreme cold while I sat inside my car with a thermos jug and a cup of hot coffee.

5. A few decades ago, I prepared for the winter by going skiing the first day that it snowed. A few days on the slopes were very effective at freezing my bones to the point that I no longer felt cold. This approach, however, required extensive exposure. My teeth had to chatter so hard that I started to lose my fillings.

6. My final remedy will probably involve spending all future winters in a much warmer climate. Anything south of Miami or Brownsville will probably do.