Home (Short Story) - 9/2/2013 11:07:17 AM
Good stuff. You set a really good scene, and create a solid nostalgic atmosphere that doesn't give away the twist. I love all the memories associated with the details. The details are fantastic, and they kept me interested and set a really good pace.
Not a fan of the names Carolina and Tabor. They are unique names, but they feel out of place in the date range of the story. The characters need to be "alive" (ahem) and unique without resorting to superficial characteristics. I had a bad habit of giving my characters weird eye colors, for example. Would the story be the same if they were named Jenny and Steve? I think it would, and it wouldn't pop me out of immersion as much.
There is a slight perspective shift in the 5th from the last paragraph. Everything has been from Carolina's perspective, but suddenly I'm feeling Tabor's heart jump. It's ok to have an omniscient or shifting perspective, but it needs to shift really early to set the readers' expectations. If you don't want to shift perspective, then give me an indicator of Tabor's shock from Carolina's perspective.
The twist is good, but I saw it coming because I saw the headstone formatting change, and my eye jumped to it. This story might work better if you just remove the headstone altogether and end with her in the graveyard, trusting the reader to "get it." Maybe not, just a suggestion.
Again, the details really make this story, and it would be a great scene even without the ghost plot.
-GW
Home (Short Story) - 8/15/2013 3:09:25 PM
I think this is a fine story, Teresa. You captured my attention and held it. I appreciate the atmosphere that you created as well. Thank you for sharing. Welcome to AD. Love and best wishes to you,
Regis
Home (Short Story) - 8/15/2013 10:01:48 AM
An evocative tale of the Gentile Southern life we lead with the supernatural wispiness of an eternal Summer's Eve in the Savannah of my mind.
Love it.
Walt
Home (Short Story) - 8/15/2013 7:51:39 AM
Romance is not my genre, but you write beautifully a most intriguing tale. I am confused a bit, because Carolina is at her ancestral “home” that her ex husband now occupies. I'm not sure why she would give up her ancestral home because he would only have claim to it through marriage.
Carolina died too young. Did she come back home to haunt her husband?
The only thing that I would change is that, as a Yankee from Wisconsin, we always had breakfast, lunch (or dinner, they were interchangeable except on Sunday when we always had a fried chicken dinner––yummy) and supper. But it was never the Last Supper because there was always another one with dessert every dinner and every supper––yummy. ;-)
Ron
Love theme Villanelle (Poetry) - 2/7/2015 5:41:16 PM
I can relate to the theme that you've shared through your verses here, Teresa. I am also impressed with your style here as it requires discipline of writing. Love and best wishes,
Regis
Love theme Villanelle (Poetry) - 11/17/2013 2:29:23 PM
Superb, it is close to iambic pentameter, too.
Very skillful, indeed.
It tells the story of unrequited love, a pain that brings the music of life, to life.
Love theme Villanelle (Poetry) - 11/6/2013 8:11:04 AM
Very expressive and enjoyable reading.
Well done Teresa.
~W~
Love theme Villanelle (Poetry) - 11/5/2013 3:28:06 AM
we all have felt this longing, well penned
budd
Love theme Villanelle (Poetry) - 11/4/2013 9:11:23 AM
A strong sense of longing for a lost love. Also a very common one.
Ron
