The Longest Night of Rain (Short Story) - 3/16/2021 1:02:05 PM
Unfortunately, with all that I read here and my short-term memory, I've forgotten what was in chapters 1 and 2. At this stage, Simon is no longer just a private eye, but apparently a night guard at the Cortez home. The dialogue and description flow along very nicely except for a couple of anomalies that don't sit well with me.
How the girl gets in the house when there is a butler and maid and perhaps other people in the house who could easily have seen or heard her if there is "giggling" going on. She could also be a plant by the Navarros to put Lonnie in the gunsights or otherwise get him compromised.
It is extremely unlikely that someone can happen on the scene and stop a hit taking place with a high-powered rifle. The coincidences too obvious. However, I believe that crime novels like this are filled with such kinds of coincidences and long flights rather than just a single uppercut. If Simon is incapacitated by the punch and Lonnie is still lingering in the window, what keeps Flatbush from taking a second shot and finishing what he came to do?
Finally, no one "shoots a pool." Either the bullet bounced off the water and entered the side of the building opposite, or in hit the tile trim on the edge of the pool. Being a bit more precise about where the bullet hit would be more realistic to the reader.
Ron
The Longest Night of Rain (Short Story) - 3/7/2021 9:23:25 AM
Reads like a private eye opening, but I don't know if it is a book or a story. Private eyes are meticulous and usually don't miss a beat, but your story has some technical difficulties.
First, you have a suspect right away. Even the law is after him. Why isn't there an all points bulletin out for Billy Flatbush? Rick is supposed to spot him? He's not on any cameras? IAf Eddie was killed in an explosion, that F type Jaguar would have to be checked thoroughly every time it was left in an unguarded parking lot like at USC.
Is there a .45s? Or are we to assume that Rick has two .45s? It appears he has only one. And in the hallway there was one flash. For any hitman, that shot would not be a warning, but deadly. If Lonnie is going to go about life as usual, it will be nearly impossible to protect him from an accomplished hitman. if someone is determined to kill you, they easily can when your bodyguard is asleep or from a distance with a rifle like snipers use. Or, as I've already suggested, with an explosive, poison or some other hidden surprise rather than in a crowded hallway with too many witnesses. Witnesses that weren't even questioned.
Please don't take these suggestions as being too negative. They can be fixed easily, but any good PI reader would spot them quicker than I.
Ron
