Timewarp Prom
Part 3
Pulsating music. Fade in a shot of the red sports car car speeding along the open road from POV slightly above and fifty feet behind.
JANET : Wow, we're on a date. I thought you were never going to ask. We don't have to stay at the prom all night, we can leave early and go to the maltshop if you like.
IAN : Wow, you have a shop specialising in Malt Whisky in a dead - and - alive place like this?
JANET : What? No idiot, the maltshop! Its - oh you wouldn't be into it.
IAN : Wow, it all sounds really really grotty y'know. We could skip the prom and head for downtown. Old Uncle Tobes had invited me to a club that sounds quite good. (Camera zooms in slowly. Ian has his hand on the gearshift. Janet puts hers on top and squeezes lightly)
JANET : Why do you drive like that, you have had one hand on the wheel and the other playing with this all the way, do I make you nervous?
IAN : No do I make ya horny (audience cheer like when The Fonz enters a scene in Happy Days) I don't know really, I always have. I guess a shrink would say its because having me knob in my hand makes provides a secure feeling. Wha - ha - hey.
Camera pulls back to show middle distance view of the little red sports car and music fades in. Simon and Garfunkel sing Big Bright Green Pleasure Machine. Close up of Ian appears in corner of screen.
IAN: To Camera: Look everyone, I don't know what's up here but I'm quite fussy about personal hygiene and me pleasure machine has never been green. Wha - ha - hey.
Cut to the prom. A few couples dance half heartedly to a lifeless band, the bass drum is printed with the name "Chuck and the Corpses" Ian and Jan are making a grand entrance watched by the school football star Billy - Jim - Joe - Bob.
IAN : (to Janet) Wow, its night of the living dead, (loudly) It's night of the bloody living dead
(He throws himself onto the dance floor and starts to dance wildly. Janet follows but is pulled aside by Mary - Beth and Becky - Lou)
MARY - BETH: Hey bitch. Where d'you get that dress.
JANET: My fairey godfather. Its Givenchy of Paris.
BECKY - LOU: You ain't got no right. We all got dresses ferom the catalogue, you're the school frump. You got to wear the plainest homemade dress, it’s the rules.
IAN: Come on Jan, I hate dancing alone. Oh hi girls. I didn't know it was fancy dress but you look like you are auditioning for parts in "The Land That Style Forgot." Still you can't all have an English tranny buying for you.
MARY BETH: Oh, how dare you. I'm the prom queen, I have to be the best dressed girl here.
JANET: Tough, if you were wearing the most expensive dress in the world Mary, you would still have a face like a smacked backside.
IAN : Wha - hey, you're learning fast Jan. C'm here treacle. (he takes her in his arms, giving her bottom a squeeze.
BECKY - LOU: Did you see that?
MARY - BETH: Yeah, how'd she go from school fruimp to school sex bomb in one day. Look at the way all the guys are ogling her.
BECKY - LOU: Never mind, B-J-J-B will be here soon, he will fix that English guy and Bingo, end of Janet's date. Then we can spill juice on her dress and really humiliate her.
MARY - BETH: I am so going to humiliate her. I'm supposed to be the main attraction but she is the only one anybody has eyes for. Is my face really like a smacked backside?
BECKY - LOU: Well……..nooooo, leastways not if you suck your cheeks in and go easy on the blusher.
The young lovers are dancing a slow smooch dance and things are looking quite hot when Billy -Jim - Joe-Bob* pushes in They are standing near the food as the argument develops.
*you know The Waltons was really bad PR for the USA. It gave everybody in Europe an excuse for believing all of the States except the Coasts is really like that.
B-J-J-B: Hey punk you're dancing with my girl. (he shoves Ian, who stands firm.)
IAN : You know poo for brains, there must be room in your head for several small planets to orbit. You're so bloody useless at throwing your weight around perhaps it will be best if I do it for you (He backs away and adopts a boxing stance. Billyjim - Jobob swings a wild punch but slips in a cake Ian has deliberately knocked to the floor.)
MARY - BETH: Geddup and show him who is boss BJ
Ian : Oops, looks like somebody dropped a raspberry tart, wha - hey! But you don't get rhyming slang do you? (He helps BJJB to his feet and then casually flips him over so that the football star crashes into the crowd, landing at Mary - Beth's feet.)
BECKY - LOU: You can't let the guy make an ass of you JB. Hit him.
Ian helps BJJB up again and again casually dumps him with a deft judo throw.
IAN: Make an ass of you, me - a limey faggot? Are you the front end of an ass BJ.
B-J-J-B : Duh no.
IAN: Well are you the back end of an ass?
B-J-J-B : Duh nnnnoooo?
IAN: Then you are already no end of an ass. Wha - ha - hey.
The crowd that has gathered around this little scene all cheer and laugh and Janet throws her arms around Ian's neck and kisses him. Mary - Beth and ??Becky - Lou skulk in the shadows.
MARY BETH: That rat - bitch Janet is so going to get it once the English guy goes home. We are going to make her life a misery.
BECKY - LOU: Erm - yeah, sure. Listen you go check on B-J-J-B. I gotta talk to Janet, she is going to be the most popular girl in school.
Mary Beth : (helping the bewildered football star to his feet) You rat B-J-J-B, I'm your date, you just tried to impress Jan because the Englishman is cooler than you.
B-J-J-B: Duh!
Mary Beth tips a bucket of fruit punch over BJJB, then Becky - Lou joins in, smacking him in the mouth with a cheesecake.
BECKY - LOU: And that’s for not even asking me. And for making me look a fool. Janet just patronised me. I feel so humiliated.
Cut to Janet and Ian surrounded by the crowd.
JANET : I'm sorry Ian, BJJB can be a bit of an asshole when he is not centre of attention. Maybe you were right, proms are no place for cool people. I hope that did not spoil your night.
IAN : Not at all, it more fun than I imagined. Y'know Jan if there was ever a face made to be covered in cheesecake its his. Spoil my evening, gerraway, so long as I'm with you nothing could spoil my evening.
Close up on the pair, a couple of grots apoproach them.
BOYGROT : Hey you guys, you're the coolest couple here. Always knew were a dark horse Jan. I wish I'd asked you to the prom myself. (Jan smiles enigmatically)
GIRLGROT : Yeah, we nominated you as the girl most likely to shock the town and embarrass the school. Anyway what are you guys doing later, some of us are having a weeny roast down by the lake. Why don't you come along it will be fun.
JANET : Sounds nice, we hadn't planned anything yet.
IAN : (in a stage whisper) What the bloody hell is a weeny roast.
BOY GROT : Hey a weeney roast is really neat. We start a fire and then we stick skewers through our sausages and hold them over the flames.
IAN : Bloody hell, sounds painful. If life is so boring for you have you thought of getting a bottle of Voddy and getting maunged? Skewer through your sausage, ooer. Thanks for the offer.
JANET : We'll think about it but I'll have to explain to him. (she pulls Ian away to a dark corner) OK, I know that is not your scene but be kind, those guys are trying to be friendly.
IAN : Putting a skewer through my willie, friendly? I'd hate them to try and stitch me up. Do they think I'm a merchant banker or something.
JANET : Well they know your family are pretty rich
IAN : Give over treacle, not a Merchant Banker, a merchant banker, its rhyming slang for a wanker - one who practices the sin of Onan? No - I give up.
JANET : Oh, a jerk - off. So a raspberry tart is erm - a bottom burp(she giggles) I see it now.
IAN : (to camera) No she doesn't, I've still got me trousers on; wha - ha - hey.
JANET : Well we could still go down to the lake but park in hippie hollow. People go skinny dipping down there.
IAN: Steady on girl, I've heard about snapper turtles that get hold of something and never let go, you think I'm going to start waving me willie about in water. You yanks are really into S & M. I've got a better idea. Come on. He pulls her away
*
wach this space for the final thrilling instalment
