Due to the fact that it is now the season for all my friends to play the game of musical houses I have decided to write the rules of the house down so there will be no confusion as what is constituted as a killing offence in my house.
RENT
Rent in my house is to be paid on the first of the month. I take cash and non-bouncing checks. IOUs and the words "Can I pay the difference next month or so" is not concitered either. If the rent is not paid in the same time as the waiting period of a Saturday night special from the pawn shop, drastic measures will be taken.
BILLS
The bills are to be split between the amount of people living in the house at the time. Bills are split regardless of who spent the most time in the bathroom . If the excuse "How can I be expected to pay part of the water bill when I havent taken a shower all month ?" is used, said renter will be drowned in a tub with soapy water. Bills must be paid same as rent, in cash or non-bouncing checks
PETS
There will be a $2.00 nonrefundable charge on each pet that is brought in the house. A pet that is secretly snuck in the house is an extra dollar per pet that I see. I do consider cockroaches as pets in this case. If you move out please take all pets with you expecially the cockroaches.
CHORES
All laundry walking around the house under its own power will be subdued with a baseball bat before washing or burning.
If laundry smells dead, I will assume it is .It will be buried with honors , bieng shot 24 times and tossed in a hole .
Anyone who sets a grease fire off in my kitchen or other part of the house due to not knowing how to cook will be found roasting over it on a spit when the firemen get here
Any dishes, pots, pans and cups will be washed by whoever uses them or the cockroach penalty will be doubled and added to the rent.
LIVE INS
Simply put, if they live here they pay the same rent as everyone else girlfriend or not. If I am ever woken up by arguments, fights or other strange noises in the night, all parties involved will end up bieng duct taped to a tree in the police chiefs yard.
DAMAGE
Any damage done to house or property shall be handled by the renter digging a hole in the back yard and buring themselves to save me the effort of it when I find out.
OBSENITY
No obsene phrases will be allowed in the house ever. Obscene phrases consist of but are not limited to:
"I didn't think you would mind."
"Can I owe you / Can you tack it on to next months rent?"
"I didn't think it was that important"
"I didn't think you would notice."
Now with the rules out of the way Enjoy your stay here!!!!!!!!!
Farctured Frazzled Folk Fables and Fairy Farces, Part II satirizes popular children's stories into adult-oriented renditions. FFFF &FF, Part II is also available in Amazon Kindle and Barnes and Noble e-book formats.
