M'buti is very hard on herself, and she sees herself as ugly, even when others feel otherwise.
January 13, 2004~
Translated from the Maasai language of Maa~
This is M'buti. I am NOT having a very good day, I am afraid...
I was at the restaurant with my husband and children, and it happened again...people staring at me and making me uncomfortable with their comments. I try to believe that I am beautiful, but whenever I look in the mirror, it's as though my husband slapped me in the face or people run away whenever they see me. It's bad enough that I am in a chair or use a frame or sticks for walking; do people have to make comments about how I look, too?
Ever since I was burned several years ago and then had flesh eating disease and lost all that weight, I have been having a very hard time with my health. I am still skinny for my height, and whenever I see myself in a mirror, I turn away in shame. I still look like I have slim disease--AIDS, or, as I call it in my country, ukimwi--, and I think that I am very ugly. People say that I am beautiful, but I don't FEEL beautiful. I feel as ugly as sin, and I don't feel good a lot of the time. I am battling chronic pain in my body, and sometimes the pain is so intense I can't get out of bed, as I don't have the strength, and the pain takes my breath away, and I also have to battle extremely low blood pressure; and it takes me a while to get started when I get up. I have to take medications to help my muscle pains and my blood pressure, and at times I am so dizzy and lightheaded, I am scared that I am going to faint! I also get tired and windy when I try to walk or use my chair; and it doesn't take long for me to start breathing funny, and then I need some oxygen to help me.
I look at myeslf in the mirror, and I cry because all I see are the scars or the wrinkles; and this is why I think I am ugly. I have been through so much in my life; and it's affected my health and my mind; and it is enough to make me want to kill myself at times. I get so upset and frustrated, and every time I try to get my life back in order, something always seems to happen, and I am waiting for the ball to drop now. I think I may be doing fine, but then something happens (me fainting in front of people, or my having a dizzy spell or falling down again and hurting myself), and then it's back to the beginning; and then I have to fight twice as hard to get back to where I was before I had my latest problem.
People, whenever they see me, think I am happy, but the truth is I am NOT. I am very unhappy with myself, and I don't like myeslf. My husband and my friends try to cheer me up, but I can't help HOW I feel at times, and I sometimes wish I were still in Africa; I miss my homeland, and I miss my brothers; and I wonder if they are ashamed of me because of my being sick a lot of the time. I also wonder if I would be any good to my friends back in Africa or wonder how I would be able to take care of the men, the house, and the cooking when I have such a hard time getting around by myself.
My life has been hard ever since I come to America, and I am afraid it isn't getting any easier. I try to be a very good wife and mother to my husband and my children, but most of the time it's my HUSBAND who has to do everything, and then I feel ashamed; and I then wonder if he is thinking of leaving me because he has to do so much for me. Physically, I am unable to do a lot; I get tired so easily, and I just can't handle the stress much longer. I sometimes wonder if it were better that I were dead, like mama and baba; maybe it would be best for me....
I am sorry, but I can't write any more; I am crying too hard, and my eyes have become wet...
What a talent you do have my dear friend!
Your stories are so very real! I have to think twice
that this is fiction! I know how M'buti feels though.
I have felt like that myself in the past.
Excellent story!
A page-turning novel about a relationship between best friends that is interrupted because of betrayal , deceit, sexual promiscuity and pregnancy happens!
A poignant story about letting go of a narcissist in your life. Have you ever been attacked FULL force by a narcissist? It's the closest thing to being stabbed over and over in the back.
January 13, 2004~
