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Ronee's Journal, Part Twenty: What Am I Doing Here?? (by Ronee', aged 12) by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Rated "G" by the Author.
Ronee' is now safely on the ground in Hollywood, California, but she can't enjoy her surroundings, as she is carrying an overwhelming case of sudden stage fright, as well as overwhelming grief (and other issues).
Tuesday, the 22nd of Feb., 2005, 3:30 p.m., California Time, Los Angeles/Hollywood, California~
Dear Journal~
Well, I am here. I might as well make the best of it, but the weather matches my somber mood: it is rainy and yuck out, and I feel as though I don't have a friend in the world.
I am in the hotel room where we are staying, and I am trying to enjoy the new surroundings, but how can I when I am so filled with sadness and grief? I lost one of my friends yesterday, and I am having a very hard time dealing with her death (she was but 11 years old; she had a stroke, and she died yesterday; they couldn't save her, no matter how hard they tried!). I have been on the verge of tears ever since; and it doesn't help that my own mother went into the hospital for tests before she has her back surgery tomorrow! Right now she is probably stuck in some MRI machine, and as claustrophobic as she is, she is probably wigging out! I pray and hope that maman does well during her surgery tomorrow! If something should happen to her, I don't know what I would do!!
Daddy has ordered me some pizza, but the thought of pizza only upsets me. It isn't going to change the fact that one of my good friends died yesterday, and it isn't going to help ease the fears I am carrying about maman when she has her surgery tomorrow morning! It also doesn't help that I am going to be taping my show tomorrow, and I am scared that I will mess up big time and they will all laugh at me; and I will then be the laughing stock of Nashville, Tennessee! I will never be able to show my face in public again, and I can't handle that right now when I already have so much going on now as it is! I miss my brothers and sisters (especially Johnny; I wonder if he even misses me now, and I wonder what he is doing right now!), I miss my maman, I miss my cat, "Cajun" (I wonder if she even knows that I am even gone!), and I miss my friends! I want to go back home so bad it isn't funny, and I wonder if it was a mistake to even come here to this stupid taping! I just know I am going to mess up!!
I am trying to be positive about it, but the truth of the matter is this: too many bad things are happening in my life right now, and I am afraid that I am going to bomb here in Hollywood. The way my luck has been lately, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if I messed up big time! I feel like I should find a good hiding spot and hide my head; I am not worthy of seeing, and I am not worthy to be on a show like "America's Most Talented Kids"!
I gotta' go, I can't see to write for all the tears that are falling from my eyes! So on that note, Good-bye!
The fear of life and failure comes out very clear and substantial in this very intimate letter - it may reflect the inner reality of so many people. well done. Franz
Ronee's got a big case of the nerves, and hearing that her friend died, and knowing her mama is going to have surgery doesn't help...maybe she should bow out gracefully? That's way too much pressure to be under...just a thought. :)
Ronee's fears and uncertainty are clearly coming through this write--which is well done, BTW (as always).
Spoken Word
This CD will touch the deepest inner part of your humanness and spirit, you will never be the same after listening to the depths of struggle, the reality of life, the touching voice of truth. It will shock you, move you to tears. It w
A poignant story about letting go of a narcissist in your life. Have you ever been attacked FULL force by a narcissist? It's the closest thing to being stabbed over and over in the back.
Tuesday, the 22nd of Feb., 2005, 3:30 p.m., California Time, Los Angeles/Hollywood, California~
