Saturday, January 20, 2007, 10:10 a.m., C.S.T., Nashville, Tennessee~

Dear Ellen Michelle~

Thank you for your letter; it was good to hear from you again. But I am sorry you are having problems; it is always hard when you find out that one of your children has special needs, but with the Lord's help, one can overcome the challenges. Lord knows I have had days like yours, where the children absolutely wear me out; but I put all my trust in the Lord, and I know He will get me through the rough patches.

You aren't alone in this: there are plenty of other families who are facing the same things you are, and there is help out there if you know where to look. This is one reason why I started this adoption community in the first place. I wanted to help other people, and I wanted to help them with any questions pertaining to adoption or raising children with special needs that they might have.

 Now, I am not an adoption counselor, but I do have plenty of parenting experience (I adopted our first son and daughter Johnathon and Ronee' over ten years ago; they are now fourteen!), and I have had to learn things as I went along my journey.

To tell you about myself, Ellen, my name is Louisiana Sandusky. I have been married to my husband (Bill) for nearly 15 years now, and we have adopted over fifty children, most with special needs. Our children now range in age from two-and-a-half to 25, and they come from places like China, Iran, Africa, the Netherlands, Germany, Canada, Mexico, Guatemala, Malaysia, India, Sri Lanka, Vietnam, Korea, Japan, Bosnia Hergezovina (spelling??), Romania, Russia, Italy, France, and the continental United States (Louisiana, Ohio, Texas, Connecticut, New York, Utah, etc.).  Some of the children are not disabled in any way, but most do have disabilities that affect just about every aspect of their daily lives.

Some of the children have disabilities that are quite noticeable (that is, some are in wheelchairs or use crutches, canes, or other walking aids for mobility purposes, while others use sign language or have problems learning; some have missing limbs while another one carries scars from burns and frequent surgeries--skin grafts--), but we don't really see their disabilities. We only see our children, and to us they are all incredibly beautiful!

We didn't plan to adopt, but we had lost our three (natural) children to SIDS (Pierre, our second son) or meningitis (our only  daughter L'Acadia and our firstborn son Aron), and after we got over our grief, Bill suggested adoption. I thought he was crazy, but once we started, it seemed that we couldn't stop, and  we still continue to add to the family. Call us crazy, but we now have fifty five children, and we are getting ready to adopt four more!! Is that nuts or what?? *grins*

Once we saw these precious children's faces we could not say no, and God saw to it that they would join our family. We have been blessed with so much love and joy it is unreal, and we haven't been sorry for taking in the children that we did! It has now gotten to the point to where we cannot imagine the family without any of the children! Now our oldest child is giving us grandbabies to love, and the circle of love continues! :)

I would suggest that you get in touch with someone who understands the difficulties of parenthood: a family member, your spouse, any relative, or if you don't feel comfortable, talk with your church pastor or your doctor, or even a close, trustworthy friend. You don't have to bear the burden alone, and you don't have to pretend that you don't have problems coping when life stresses you out. It doesn't mean  you are weak if you are struggling: it only shows that you are human, and whenever life gets to you, it is okay to ask for help. I do it myself at times; I just thank God I have a strong support system in my family, my husband, my children, my church family, and even close friends!

It is normal to have those feelings where you want to harm your children whenever they act up. Any parent has those feelings from time to time. I know I have, but now I try to rely on God, and I try to rely on my husband, or else I write out my feelings. I find all of this to be very therapeutic, and besides, it is free! :) I know that it is time to take a break whenever I get bad feelings creeping into my head, and this is when I write or talk or even have a good cry.

Don't think of yourself as being a bad parent whenever your kids stress you out: it is a normal part of parenthood, and sometimes kids will find ways to push your buttons. All parents have their limits, and all parents have their good days or bad days. Some perants are able to handle their kids wonderfully while others seem to fall apart at the seams.

Now how you deal with your children's behavior is totally up to the parent. Some yell, some scream, some hit, some put their kids into time out or take away privileges, some talk to their kids as though they are friends. It depends on what you believe, and it depends on how you were raised as a child. Now, you can go overboard, and this is where you have to be careful because if you do too much, you could be seen as abusive. It is a very scary process to be a parent if you aren't used to children, but if done the right way, a child can be raised to be loving, considerate, well-behaved, trustworthy, compassionate, and giving of themselves to family members or to others.

Bill and I do discipline our children, but we also let them do things like singing or music lessons, sports, dance, or join after school clubs like chess or drama if they are interested or if they behave. If they misbehave, we don't allow them to do their after school activities or go to their lessons until they learn how to behave better. We ground them if we feel it is necessary, and we do not let them use their disabilities as a crutch or an excuse to get their way. No, we frown on that!

We don't want them to feel pity, we want them to be responsible citizens, and we want them to learn that the world is not geared for their disabilities and that with hard work, they can make it if they try. We want our kids to know that even though they are disabled, that shouldn't stop them from whatever they want to accomplish in life!

We have a son with Duchenne's muscular dystrophy and a daughter with systemic (severe) arthritis who both show a strong interest in music; in fact, both have performed since they were little, and both really enjoy it. We have a daughter with epilepsy who is an award-winning gymnast and dancer, and we have a son who had cancer (twice!) who is studying to become an evangelist. We have a daughter with cerebral palsy who is happily married and is the mother to six wonderful children, and we have a daughter with dwarfism and missing limbs who is thinking of joining the school's swim team when her school starts back up in the fall.

Just because they are disabled, that doesn't mean they can't do the things that they enjoy doing! To them, there is no such word as "CAN'T"; in their world, all they think about is what they CAN do! :)

We are very proud of our children's accomplishments, and we always will be. It shows that we have done something right; but like all parents, we sometimes make mistakes. We aren't perfect. We have done things that we regret now, but parenting is a learning process, and one shouldn't feel as though they failed when things go wrong. You just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go on. This is what I try to stress to people whenever they write to me, and I tell them that parening any child is a challenge, not just children with special needs. There are plenty of "normal" children who have problems too! Problems and childhood seem to go hand in hand, but when a child has a disability or emotioanl need, the problems just seem to be compounded by a thousand degrees!

If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask; I will do my best to answer them. Now, I don't know he answer to ALL things, but I DO have plenty of experience as a parent! I will send you copies of my books ("A Family Made Out Of Miracles And Rainbows" and "...And The Miracles Continue"); that way, you can learn more about me and my family, and you will find plenty of advice that I have gleaned over the years. I hope that the books will be helpful to you in some way and that parenting children with special  needs can be a rich, rewarding, and joy-filled experience! Children are a gift from God, but children with special needs have something extra to give, and if you let them shine, they can do great things!

Take care, and do write back; i'd love to hear from you! God bless~!

~Most sincerely, your new Tennessee friend, Louisiana Mayrah Sandusky (soon to be the parent of 59 Miracles!). :D