My oldest son, Texas Michael, knows that there is something going on with his younger brother, Teague Matthias. He knows that Teague isn't like other kids; because of it, Teague can't go to school.

Teague, at the age of six, cannot take care of himself. He is unable to talk, walk (he uses a wheelchair when out in public), feed himself (he is fed via gastrostomy tube; he cannot chew or swallow; there is always the possibility of him choking), dress himself, or go to the restroom by himself (he isn't toilet-trained). He cannot read, play games, operate a computer, or do any of the normal activities kids his age normally do. He requires much in the way of medical (or personal) care.

Because of Teague's disability, our lives are not like most families'. Everything requires much planning ahead. We have to worry if the places we go to are "handicap-accessable" for Teague's wheelchair, we have to worry about whether we can find a (semi-private) place for us to "feed" our son, we have to worry about what actions to take whenever we have a power failure, we have to find clothes specially made for our son (at six years, Teague , he is the size of a one-year-old baby), or what to do during one of his (frequent) trips to the nearest emergency room whenever he has one of his choking spells (or seizures).

Poor Texas has to endure many hours of being by himself (or at a friend's hous or even at his MeeMaw's and PawPaw's) because our lives are tied up with caring for Teague. I am sure that somewhere down deep inside, he resents having a brother like Teague because he really can't communicate with him or play normal brotherhood-type games. I am sure he wishes that Teague could run, throw a football or baseball, kick a soccer ball, or play computer (or video) games. He doesn't really understand t he implications of his little brother's medical needs, only that it takes precious time away from his parents, and that makes him angry. Very angry.

Texas has a way of acting out a lot of the time. Last year, for example, during fifth grade, Texas nearly got expelled from school after bloodying a fellow classmate's nose and calling his classmate the F-word when the other kid made a nasty comment about his little brother. His grades suffered badly, and we suffered right along with him. We somehow felt guilty for having Texas go through all of this, and we still do. Instead of h aving a brother he could play with or have fun with, his little brother is more like an infant, unable to do anything for himself.

Teague was born healthy, but at the age of six months, he got his vacinnations. Unfortunately, there were complications, serious complications. He had a horrible reaction, and he became extremely sick. The complicatioins left him severely brain damaged and with spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy. Unfortunately he will never get better: he'll always need 24-hour a day care. He will always have the mind of an infant, even when he becomes an adult.

Of course, we were angry with ourselves--and with the doctor who administered the vaccinations in the first place. We sued; we lost. The doctor won the lawsuit, which doesn't make any sense whatsoever because if it were not for him giving our baby the shots, our son would have turned out okay. We would have had two healthy children instead of just one. Now because of this doctor's negligence, a young life is changed in a cruel manner--and we are left grieving for the little boy that will never again be ours.

The doctor is still in practice today. WHY??

Texas knows his brother is handicapped, but he doesn't know why he is the way he is. He thinks he was born this way; he doesn't really understand the logistics of law or about lawsuits or about cerebral palsy/brain damage, so we have kept the most important information from him. Texas has been hurt too much already; we don't want to add  to his ongoing pain.

We are probably wrong in doing this to Texas, but we are afraid if he knew the truth, he would probably intentionally harm his little brother. Texas is bitter about his brother's special needs, and so are we. It's all that damn doctor's fault.

P.S.: We do plan on telling Texas about what really happened to Teague; we are just waiting for the right time. All we can do is hope it comes soon; Texas needs to know.