Mrs. Lillie Mae’s Testimony

            They still talk about it in the little old town of Magee. But no one speaks about it to Mrs. Lillie Mae Birchwood, at least not to her face. When it is discussed, it is done in whispers like it was gossip of the highest order. Even then, the perpetrators are looking around nervously to ensure no one is listening to their conversation. To say the least, it set the town on its ear and the act itself was nothing of any magnitude outside the town. It was certainly nothing that would make national news anyway.

            Perhaps its importance can be attributed to the reputation Mrs. Lillie Mae Birchwood had acquired. She was born in Magee to Christian parents who ensured she spent her Sabbaths in Sunday school and morning services followed by Baptist Training Union and evening services that night. Wednesdays nights were spent in Prayer Meeting. Sporadically spaced throughout the year were all day sings with dinner on the ground, Vacation Bible School and Revivals. Needless to say, Mrs. Lillie May spent a lot of time involved in church activities. During her high school years, she played the piano for the church choir. Her reputation was one of a God-loving Christian, the perfect child who was the envy of all the other parents in the town.

            After graduation from Magee High, Lillie Mae went to the local junior college and majored in floral design. In the two years it took to get her degree, she became adept at the trade and immediately obtained a position at Hughes Florist upon graduation. It was then she finally relented and decided to marry Harold Lee Prichard, her high school sweet heart.

The only thing Lillie Mae regretted about her marriage was that she elected to retain her given name of Birchwood rather than change her name to Prichard. Being an only child, her father had no son to carry on the family name so she figured she would do it for him. But she found that when folks asked about her relationship and names were mentioned, the first question that came up was, ‘Are they married?’ And then the explanation would have to be given for them having different last names and still being married. She often wondered if the hassle was worth the benefit her father might have derived from it.

Things went along well for the next year after her marriage. Mrs. Lillie Mae was working at the Florist five days a week and sometimes six. It appeared that folks did not care what day they picked to die on. Therefore the requirement for flower arrangements for funerals was present just about seven days a week. And of course, Harold was on a two week on and a two week off rotation shift with Shell Oil. Their schedule was hardly ever compatible.

It was during one of these weeks when everything seemed to happen at once. Monday and Tuesday were both ten hour days for Mrs. Lillie Mae and Harold was on his two weeks in the Gulf. The Florist was extremely busy trying to build blankets, stands and flower arrangements for four different funerals as well as supply carnations for school graduations. The weather decided to take this point in time to turn excessively humid and stay in the nineties during the day and the eighties during the nights. And to make matters worse, the air conditioning at the Florists decided to take some time off.

 On Wednesday evening about four PM, Mrs. Lillie Mae and the Florist finally got caught up with all the demands, at least for the day and she left for home, determined to get a bath, cool down if possible and go the Wednesday evening Prayer Meeting at six o’clock. It was after this that the time line becomes fuzzy in most folks mind.

It is for sure that Mrs. Lillie Mae doesn’t remember or if she does she will not admit it. We may never know for sure exactly what happened when Mrs. Lillie Mae Birchwood left the Florist that Wednesday evening. We do know she was talking about how hot it was and how she was looking forward to getting a cold drink of something at her home. Depending on who you talk to, you could get at least a dozen different versions and each one of them would swear that theirs was the true one. So if we take all the versions we have heard, take an average based on probabilities as to what may have occurred, then the following would be the closest to the truth that anyone could ever surmise.

Mrs. Lillie Mae left the Florist a little after four PM on Wednesday of that week. Since she lived about five miles from the Florist, it should have taken her approximately ten minutes to get home, making it four thirty latest. Since she was at the First Baptist Church at six o’clock, she was at home or on her way to the church for one hour and a half. During this time, she consumed some beverage to quench her thirst. Her neighbor later found a Mateus wine bottle on Mrs. Lillie Mae’s front porch. It was surmised from this that Mrs. Lillie Mae Birchwood had drank several glasses of Mateus wine and that was the reason for her behavior at church.

As was his custom at Wednesday Prayer Meetings, the Preacher did his best to get the congregation involved in the services. At the start of the services, he would invite the members to talk about anyone in the neighborhood who needed prayer and why they needed it, and to espouse any praise for answered prayers that and in general, he would get the folks to talking. From this point he would get into the biblical reading for the night and elicit ‘Amen’s’ from the congregation. If they were not forthcoming, he would ask, “Do I hear an Amen?”

All was going well this Wednesday night with a lot of ‘amen’s’ and ‘you tell it’ and ‘praise the lord’ emanating from the gathering. Mrs. Lillie Mae was more vocal than usual and could be heard above most of the rest of the congregation. The Preacher was almost ecstatic with the reaction of his folks and kept working his congregation up into frenzy’ as he referred to it. He finally decided to ask if anyone had a testimony they would like to give. To get to that point he was leading the congregation with;

“The Lord is good to us.”

“Amen, Amen!”

“The Lord looks after us all the time.”

“Amen. You tell it!”

“The devil is there to tempt us, but the Lord saves us.”

“Amen!”

“The devil has never done nothing good for us.”

“Nothing! Nothing!”

“What has the devil ever done for you?”

“He ain’t never done nothing!”

 “Anybody got a testimony for the Lord?”

It was at this point that Mrs. Lillie Mae Birchwood stood up and staggered down the aisle. Patrons in the audience looked on in astonishment at the woman weaving down the aisle. Several of the ladies let out audible gasps. The preacher stood there with his mouth open not knowing what to do.  Leaning on the podium, Mrs. Lillie Mae grabbed the microphone from the astonished preacher’s hand and began a tirade in a shrill voice.

“The devil ain’t never done nothing good for no body. He can kiss my ass!!!” With that, she flung the microphone onto the podium causing a loud pounding noise in the loudspeakers. Turning around on the heels of her Croc shoes, she bent over, flipped her skirt over her head with one hand and while grabbing her ankle with the other, mooned the entire congregation of the First Baptist Church of Magee, Mississippi.

Most of the ladies really did gasp audibly but the gentlemen in the congregation were all smiling. It seems that Mrs. Lillie Mae Birchwood had clean forgotten to put on those red panties she had planned to wear to church that night!

Needless to say the church became as quiet as a tomb. The Preacher just stood there with his mouth open, still as a statue, his face white. Mrs. Lillie Mae straightened out her clothes and staggered out the door to the parking lot. After thirty seconds some folks started quietly slipping out the side doors to the outside parking lot to their vehicles. No one said another word. They all just got up and went home. One deacon did stay behind, shut off the lights and lock the church doors. And Mrs. Lillie Mae Birchwood doesn’t remember being at church or going back home and further, refuses to talk about it.