Life is about making choices. Some of them turn out OK, while others fall short of glory and find their way into the nearest dumpster. Sum them up, and if the wiser ones outweigh the dumber ones, you have done good. My task in this narrative is to shine a little light on the dumb side of the choice issue and turn it into something golden. I've made my share of dumb decisions and probably of few that were meant for you. So, you could call this one more chance to redeem myself and to help my fellow man, or woman, as the case may be.
The golf gods have chosen me to make one more decision. Before I reveal this choice that has me in a state of quivering excitement, let me first give you my reasons for being among their chosen few.
Those who observe such things tend to all agree that my golf swing approaches something bordering on—to be modest—slightly discombobulated. It's not as bad as Jim Furyk's, but it's messy. In many ways, however. my golf swing is a genuine asset. It takes me to the far reaches of any golf course—into lakes, woods, traps, against fences, over fences, into homes, and occasionally to the distant corners of parking lots. Yes, mine is a travelers swing. Or to put it a little more poetically, mine is the scenic tour de force of swings—one meant for the few, the proud, the true golfer. It's so unique I once hit a low screamer that hooked its way out of bounds, then, after three consecutive bounces down a bordering highway, and over two cars, it flipped back onto the fairway some 390 yards from the tee. I'd like to see Tiger Woods duplicate that shot!
But I digress.
I received a solicitation in my morning's email. It began with the dreaded “Dear Ed”:
"There's now a tiny device that fits into the butt of a golf club that allows you to see your swing on your smart phone immediately after you hit a shot. And get this...There's no video camera. And no launch monitor either. So how does it work?
This tiny device instantly sends 10,000 bits of swing data to your iPhone, Android, or tablet as you take a swing. The result?
You get instant data PLUS an instant video of the swing you just made. And then you can use the data and video to adjust your swing so you improve accuracy and distance."
That was their pitch.
So I had to ask the $127.47 question: Who cares?!
Sending 10,000 bits of information about how not to do something, is among the dumbest uses of any otherwise sensible technology that could possibly filter through the recesses of a human brain. So, now, in addition to being among those who possess the scenic route skills of golf, they want me to transmit my secrets back to Golf Central for analysis and repackaging, so they can sell it to others—and at my expense!
So I decided...hell yes! This is my golden opportunity to do what today's marketing does best: Sell the public something they absolutely do not need, never have, and never will—and make a bundle in the process. This is pure genius. It's the American way!
My counter proposal:
Dear Golf Central:
After due consideration, I offer you the following proposal that will be worth millions to you, and I might do OK by it as well. I will implant your button in the tip of my golf grip and take it to the golf course. I will play my usual round consisting of approximately 120 strokes including misses, shanks, low burners, pop ups, duck hooks, slices, and shattered windows. That will give you 1.2 million bits of swing data for your marketing enjoyment. Your programming boys can whip that data into a promotional panorama of sights and sounds the likes of which the golfing world has never before seen or heard. Sales of your buttons will shoot thru the roof. I ask only for a modest 65 percent of sales receipts. You can keep the rest with my thanks.
I await your quick and positive reply.
Your brother in mood, deed, and profits,
Ed
P.S. Hit 'em on the scenic route. And if you can't hit 'em where they lie, then lie about where you hit 'em.
Man you can write! This article hits home to the central purpose of our economy--consumption. If we don't get out there and promote, believe what we promote, and consume as conspicuously as possible, then our economy will go into the dumps because of the lack of circulation of the coin of the realm. From your article, I take away the idea that I should immediately start thinking of products that nobody needs but everybody wants, figure how to make them very cheaply, make sure I get on the shopping channel, and sell the hell out of them… It's the American way… Hooray!
Farctured Frazzled Folk Fables and Fairy Farces, Part II satirizes popular children's stories into adult-oriented renditions. FFFF &FF, Part II is also available in Amazon Kindle and Barnes and Noble e-book formats.
Homer's Ill Iliad & Odd Sea Odyssey (420 pages) is an adult satire/parody rewrite of the classic stories of the 10 year Trojan War and of the 10 year adventure of Odysseus trying to return home to his native Ithaca.
Golf's Lessons and the Counter Proposal
