Two anxieties clash as only they can when you are young.
He had grave doubts that he would be able to concentrate at all. All the previous months’ of study were jumbled in with the confusion and despair that had been the last week. How apt. This was Philosophy. He sat staring at the unopened paper in front of him with his pen between his index fingers, hands rested on the desk. Without lifting his head he glanced up and across to where Amber sat. Her back to him he could just see the right side of her face as she, calmly it seemed, readied herself for the start. Why had he sat behind her? It seemed a good idea at the time. He would have the upper-hand and always see what she was doing. She could not see him. But this was a fucking exam not the cafeteria. Being able to see her was just torment. I can’t do this he was thinking. There is no way to get through this. Can’t think, can’t breathe, can’t shut out, can’t focus, can’t…
He tried to look away but it was involuntary. Always he came back. There was a shuffling of papers and chairs and all around him were underway. He hadn’t even heard the instruction to start. He opened the paper and tried to read. It wasn’t happening. Each sentence he had to read more than once and then he couldn’t put them together. Couldn’t think, couldn’t process, and couldn’t read. The breathing was almost gone completely, so shallow and ineffective. His heart raced and his forehead started to bead. He wasn’t the fastest in exams at the best of times and now he had to deal with this shit. His pen in his hand now shook uncontrollably. It didn’t matter. He couldn’t read the paper and had nothing to write. He tried to put his name on the paper. The lines just made it look juvenile as he battled to control his hand. He stopped after Ben. He glanced up at Amber again. Her shoulders were hunched over her paper and her pen flowed quickly and freely across the pages. Speed was never an issue with her. Why could she do this? How could she not be in a mess like he was? It had been mutual so why wasn’t the torment? He dropped his pen on the paper. Options he thought to himself. Doing the exam wasn’t one. He almost expelled breathe with relief at this resolution but there was nothing in his tight chest to let out. Becoming sick? That would require proper symptoms, maybe even fainting. He couldn’t imagine fainting. He was no actor. Always conscious of just how unconvincing his efforts might be to others. Maybe this was sick? He was sweating and shaking. Was that enough or would they just put it down to panic under exam conditions and say bad luck? He couldn’t live with disaster and pity at the same time. A phrase or two from a note he could write in the paper started to come to the surface in the soup of his thoughts. Pointless though. You’re not allowed to communicate with the marker and he couldn’t hold the pen anyway. He couldn’t just sit there for three hours and do nothing. He was in agony.
A way out of it all suddenly dawned on him. He had to get out and with his dignity intact. He couldn’t be weak in front of Amber who seemed to be being so strong. No sign of grief or even of slight distraction from the job at hand. His friends – their friends were there too. He had to live beyond this. A bold statement was needed to conceal his real predicament.
The chair scraped and clattered loudly as he stood up without a thought for it. Hundreds of suddenly distracted eyes turned his way in unison as he stepped out into the isle and started making his way forward to Amber who was twisted in her seat now with a look of horror on her face when she saw who it was weaving heavily towards her. The adjudicators were hurriedly making their way over but he would reach her easily before they could intervene. He arrived at her desk and opened his mouth to say ‘Philosophy is life not words on paper’ but as he opened his mouth his knees buckled and he fall, smacking his head on her desk as he crashed to the floor. As he lay there with everything happening around him now he thought ‘So that’s fainting.’
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Reviewed by M McBryar
1/9/2007
Very interesting piece. I think you've captured quiet well the emotions and trails of young lust.
I really enjoyed this short glimpse into the life of this young philosopher. The ending is brilliant, and I love what he says, that "Philosophy is life not words on paper". Great work, and thank you for commenting on my short story as well.
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