I never really knew my mother,  until the last Oktoberfest.She insisted that I volunteer, and even though I enjoyed the fest I didn't want to be that close to my mother for four days. She had a booth and sold just about all things Apple.  Dumplings, streudel,turnovers, pies, applesauce bread, Applebutter, and apple cider.Her two sisters always worked with her.The three sisters together did all the baking and cooking. This year the youngest one , my aunt Rita, was staying out of the booth as she was having health problems, and worked behind the scenes, so I would take her place in the booth.

The first day of the fest  was unusually warm , bright and sunny.  The crowds were gathering early.  Me and mom had been working in silence for an hour setting things up. I thought it wasn't going to be so bad , but no sooner did I think it then Mom said
"Lena, I hope you're not going to drink coffee all day. Get ready the people are coming."I refrained from answering, thinking she might let it drop, fool that I am."Lena did you hear me", she repeated in a too loud voice. Mom, I'm right next to you only a couple of feet away, how could I not hear you? "I said very softly hoping she'd follow suit. she didn't! "Well why didn't you answer? You know we have a long day ahead of us so try being more friendly."

Saved by the bell, a young boy asked for an apple dumpling. Before I could get one,my mom was handing one to him and without a pause in what she was doing said"Lena you have to be quicker, when it gets busy we'll be in a mess, if you don't."
The boy  paid and left. I said with as much respect as I could, "Mom you have the dumplings on your side  right next to you, besides you are used to this more than I am. I would have only been maybe a minute more than you, why the fuss and you're almost yelling , can't you speak softer."

If looks could kill! She replied in a harsh whisper" Just starting and already you're
finding fault with me,and making excuses like you always do~!Before she could continue, her sister Rose, coming from the back behind the booth said,"Helen, can't you try to relax and give Lena a chance to get started, we're old hands at this, she does it very seldom, c' mon let's start over again." My mom gave her a shove and said" Rose, go in the back and let us handle our own."

I said"Mom I'm not going to take this. You never stop finding fault with me, and everything I do. If you don't leave me alone to help best I can, I'll walk away this time, I really mean it." She took a long look at me and to my utter surprise said briskly"Fine!"  We got busy after that and really worked hard selling and restocking things.

When we finally had a break, I was sore and tired, but my mother acted like she had just started. I had to admire her.  She said "C'mon have some lunch before the next wave of people starts." We sat quietly having bratwurst sandwhiches which Aunt Rose had made,and now  she had taken our place handling whoever came.

I decided to be nice so I said, "Mom these sandwhiches are great, I always loved the way you and Aunt Rose made these, and everything." she looked at me with a half smile and said "I think you should know something. It's about time."I could only stare, she seemed so serious,her eyes seemed moist, she continued,"Lena, I was only 15 when I had you not 17 ,I lied to you, also you have never met your real father, the father you knew was not the man I loved and got pregnant by." I sat there dumbfounded thinking this is surreal, I was staring at my mom and she had the most sad miserable look on her face, I couldn't bear it.

I went to her and hugged her, she broke down sobbing,and my aunt came running back from the front of  the booth asking what I had done. I told her what happened and she almost fainted. Someone called to be served and she had to go back to the booth, my mom stopped sobbing and pushing me aside took a deep breath and said "We have to get back to work." I looked at her flabbergasted,and said" Am I crazy did you not just tell me that my father wasn't my father,what the hell are you doing?"

With much dignity she said"I know this was not the way , but something came over me, and I just had to tell you. I'm sorry, but now you know, we can discuss it later when we close for the day. Right now there is work to be done. Please try to control yourself." With that she walked to the front of the booth. I followed her not knowing what else to do. My thoughts were spinning like a top,  but I stayed until we closed, packed up and went home. It had been so busy as is usual at fests, I couldn't do anything else anyway.

After everything was put away and we had time ,my mom and I had the long overdue talk we never had. A lot of questions were answered that night. I found out just how difficult things had been for my mom. My parents marriage, was one of convenience. she needed a husband and he being 15 years older needed a housekeeper. He had been a bachelor taking care of a widowed mother, and working . My mom married him
for my sake, and got to take care of a large house, a new husband, a new baby and a nasty old dying woman. She did it well, and fortunately her mother-in law died after the first year.

I realized the strength it took for her to have made her marriage the success it was. She had worked very hard so no one knew , her circumstances. I was 28 years old, had a career , and no intention of ever getting married. I had grown up in a cold formal home as an only child and moved out when I went to college,staying on campus, afterwards getting my own place. Now I knew why my house had never been a home. Without love it isn't easy. My mom is still with the man I call father, she never thought of any other way having been strictly raised, and accepting her life as punishment for her sin. That was the hardest thing to take, thinking I was considered her sin.

She said she never thought of me that way, and truly loved me. I knew she did, it hadn't been all bad, just more or less empty and  still. The reason she always yelled when she spoke to me was a way of getting her frustrations out. I never knew why. Now I'll have to wonder if it would have been different  had she told me sooner. I left my mom that night with a a bag full of all the goodies from the fest, and a new feeling of respect and warmth between us. She looked so relieved to have that big mountain removed from her back. I was happy for her, even though some resentment was mixed in. An Oktoberfest I'll never forget.

etw~2003