Such a wonderful morning with great weather. I was working a bus stop as one of my favorite characters, the middle-aged washerwoman with a heart of gold. Mrs. Doubtfire with just enough Tugboat Annie to add some flavor. I'd already lifted the nice young man's wallet and watch but I wanted his fat class ring. Sully lay sprawled at one end of the kiosk and snored with his mouth open. Sully liked to play homeless bum. He was a natural. He even smelled faintly of piss. Young Mr. Mark who sat between us on the bus bench gave Sully the eye and edged toward me a quarter of an inch.
"I gave him a couple of dollars the other day," I whispered. "I said to him 'Now you spend this on some food, you hear me?'" Sully snored like a chainsaw and the mark stared at him like he was a pile of dog shit. I could see the bus in the distance. I knew if I was going to get that ring, I'd better get a move on. I leaned over the young man and poked Sully. "Wake up! The bus is here!"
Sully opened one eye. I got what felt like a cigarette lighter out of the guy's coat pocket and dropped it in the shopping bag at my feet as the bus lumbered up to the stop. I hung back and fussed with my bag while the young man said goodbye in a nice way, and stepped up to the bus door. Sully shuffled toward the bus, tripped and bumped into the mark. The young man jumped about a foot and Sully muttered something I couldn't hear. Then he changed course and took off down the sidewalk.
I rushed up. "Young man!" I said, grabbing his hand. "I saw that homeless man take your wallet!" He felt his hip pocket, said a nasty word and then sprinted after Sully who suddenly woke up and ran fleet as a deer. The young man gave chase, yelling for Sully to stop and for someone to call 911.
The class ring was warm and heavy in my hand. "Wonderful morning, don't you think!" I said to the driver as I climbed the steps into the bus. The driver agreed. Wonderful morning.
Thirteen Sick Tasteless Classics, Part V
Thirteen Sick Tasteless Classics, Part V is humorous adult literature featuring adult content and language. The work satirizes and spoofs thirteen classic tales from U.S. and British literature, a
