A funny story about an aunt that really isn't an aunt and her wacky tea parties.
The unrelated Aunt Diann
No one quite knows why we called her Aunt Diann because she's not really our aunt but we've always called her Aunt Diann. In fact, as far as anyone knows Aunt Diann isn't even related.
Well, one day Aunt Diann decides to throw a tea party. During a typical tea party one would expect to have tea and maybe some finger sandwiches and perhaps some dessert or fruit. But let's just say that Aunt Diann is a bit eccentric and her guests are more than a bit peculiar.
J-Bird, one of Aunt Diann's guests has a tradition which she never strays away from. A tea party must always be followed by a nasty, rainy Christmas parade. Not just a nasty, rainy parade but one that involves grown-ups shoving small children down into the mud puddles to obtain the candy that is thrown from the parade floats. But wait, I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. Actually, it begins with arriving at the destination 6 1/2 hours before the parade is due to start just so we can get a good parking spot. Me, hubby and 15 children sit in the volkswagon bug bitching and complaining because the parade, which is scheduled to begin at 7 PM still hasn't even started and it's already nearly 2PM. By the time seven o'clock DOES roll around we expect the parade to be directly in front of us even though it departed 3 miles up the road. Now, this is when the fun really starts. The sixteen billion firetrucks, police cars, rescue units and ambulances blairing there goddam, noisy, mother.....(oh, excuse me)....sirens arrive.
Two hours later our blessed paid and volunteer police and rescue vehicles are gone (thank God!). Next, here comes the..what the hell is she supposed to be anyway? Anyhow, this woman dressed in a cape, which makes her look like she has wings, is prancing down the middle of the street flapping her stupid fake wings. She really does look like a freak! Then, there's the town band (I think that's who they were anyway). They were a group of people playing instruments but they didn't march in any kind of format. Maybe they were just a crowd of people walking by? But they did have instruments and they were playing them. Here I go again getting ahead of myself, I left off the best part! The rain came down in buckets through the entire parade. So now, not only were we deaf from all of the noise, we were also sick from eating all of the candy that we obtained (sorry kids!), and we were soaked to the skin.
Any normal person would have seeked shelter but we needed to see the guy in the red suit (who knows why! We're all old enough to know that this Santa is an impostor).
Oh, for Heaven's Sake! MORE firetrucks. (In my head I'm screaming 'Please make them go away!') Next, there's a fat guy on a motorcycle but I don't think he's even supposed to be in the parade. At this point I'd like to see him fall off, I don't want him to get hurt, I just need a good laugh.
What came next was truly beautiful, a Clydesdale horse pulling a sleigh (what followed the horse wasn't so pretty though!) Those Clydesdale's really shouldn't eat before a parade. Oh joy! Here comes the happy cheerleaders, collecting letters for Santa Clause. Oh, but wait! There hair is ruined from all of the rain, there clothes are soaked and there running mascara makes them look like replica's of Tammy Fae.... what a hideous sight. Here comes Santa......there goes Santa. He didn't even look our way! He focused on the other side of the street, where the rude people that parked there cars kept there headlights on the entire time making it nearly impossible to see anything. So J-Bird decides to run up to the float carrying Santa; she does a double front flip onto the float and lands directly in front of Santa and screams out, "notice me Now Santa!" and pushes Santa off the back of the float.
Now it's off to Aunt Diann's for a joyous tea party. The first thing out of Aunt Diann's mouth is "Did you bring your tea bag dear?" Not, how was your day or why are you so wet or even what's that smell?, but, did you bring your tea bag?
Aunt Diann loved to throw tea parties but the guests had to bring there own tea bags and food. In all fairness, Aunt Diann did provide the hot water.
The next guest that arrived was Tee. Now let me tell you about Tee. She's got 24 kids and she's crazy. Wacko! She literally NEVER sits down but there's a reason for it...her knees don't bend. No joke, they don't bend! You know, some say that she's really a barbie doll but it's never been confirmed. Tee also has a peculiar routine before attending tea parties. Per her own acknowledgement she has to run everyone else's errands that live in town. But miraculously she always arrives at the tea party on time and with her own tea bag. And as for the food, there's always something in the bottom of her purse that's edible. One of Tee's hobbies is collecting old people.
Speaking of collecting, let's talk about guest number three. C-hole collects people too but she collects kids, mostly teenage boys. C-hole is a mental patient who thinks she's a nurse. C-hole also takes in animals but not just any animals, only retarded, deformed ones. It's quite a sight really, 300 dogs, 250 cats, 14 rats, a chimpanzee and an elephant all in one little padded white room in the psych ward. C-holes routine before a tea party involves performing minor surgery on one of her animals. You have to give her credit though, the only tools she has is a pair of scissors, a needle and thread and a small mallet. By the way, C-hole never remembers to bring her tea bag. But she does bring lots of food but no one eats it because they're afraid of what it might be.
Oh fun! Here comes the next guest J-no, who is a high class debutone type. Personally, I heard rumors that she's an alcoholic who frequests drinking binges than passes out and can't remember where she's been or who she's done, but we won't go there. J-no married her 16-year old husband two years ago. He's got two kids from a previous marriage. J-no is a high priced call girl but to your face she'll tell you that she's an insurance broker (eye roll, yeah right). J-no always brings a box of tea bags just in case someone forgets there's (C-hole)
Convinced that no more guests will arrive Aunt Diann does her typical pig call (Suey!!!) and everyone instinctively knows to get there tea bags out. As Aunt Diann goes into the kitchen to get the disposable cups and hot water, the guests whisper to one another about why Aunt Diann is called Aunt Diann. I don't know, there was some mention of inbreeding or something at our trailer park. That would explain the sign at the entrance of the trailer park that read 'A family community'.
Although Aunt Diann loved having tea parties she absolutely hated people. So she lined the guests up at the door and as they left she poured hot water into there cups and after the last guest, she yelled "I'll see you next year after the Christmas parade." and slammed the door shut.
Deputy Dave Jenkins sets out to find the murderer of the local high school principal, aided by a voice from the grave that is sometimes helpful and sometimes misleading.
"Murder isn't usually this funny."
Amazon reviewer
