Timewarp Prom

the movie

Starring Reece Witherspoon as Janet Caldwell

Austin Powers as Ian d'Arcy Ignatius Olliphant - Thorpe (think about it)

Mount St. Helens as Janet's mother

Homer Simson as Erskine Caldwell III, Janet's Dad

James Bond as Uncle Toby

Joan Rivers as Mary-Beth Smartbouche (well it is a timewarp)

Rikki Lake as Becky - Lou Katz

and introducing

Bigfoot Saskwatch as Billy - Jim - Joe - Bob Rotabagge the football star.

 

Excitement is mounting at the high school in the small Texan town of Timewarp a few miles north west of Houston. In the run up to the annual ritual humiliation of many pupils (the mingers,) the prettiest girls are competing to be arm candy for Billy - Jim - Joe - Bob, the football captain.

Camera zooms in on two girls sauntering along a corridor and talking.

MARY BETH : Oh get serious Becky, Billy - Jim - Joe - Bob will never ask you to the prom, you're only a 34B bra size

BECKY - LOU : He will too. Last week at the drive-in he stuck his gum behind my ear while he kissed me goodnight - and he did not ask for it back. I will treasure that gum all my life. My finger will be in his ring before the prom, you watch.

MARY BETH : You are so deluding yourself girl, the football captain will never go to the prom with a virgin, there are standards. You could always throw yourself at that English exchange student guy.

BECKY - LOU : Hmmm, he is kinda cute but my Dad says all Englishmen are faggots.

MARY BETH : Well that will be perfect, your precious hymen will be safe.

Janet walks along the corridor towards them. She is a pretty blonde girl but her clothing is subdued in keeping with her quiet, studious nature. Despite her shyness she has developed a rapport with the young Englishman whoseambiguous sexuality is exciting so much interest.

MARY - BETH : Hi Janet. We were just talking about the prom. I'm going with Billy-Jim - Joe-Bob and Becky is going with Ian, the English guy. We saw you sniffing around him but come on, he told us he prefers somebody with a pulse.

They laugh. Blushing slightly Janet hurries away, not wishing to get involved in a scene with the two bullies. An hour later the final lesson ends and the pupils stampede towards the main door. Janet hangs back until finding Ian, she walks along side him. He is quite short and wears his hair in an old fashioned Beatle cut. His clothes are retro Carnaby Street. You must remember both are eighteen which means it is 1966 for Ian and 1977 for Janet.

IAN : What - ho Jan.

JANET: Hi Ian. I heard you asked Becky Lou to the prom.

IAN : What? Last night of the Proms. No fear, I'm not due back in England until a week after that. And anyway she wouldn't like it, she thinks Classical music is the Everly Brothers. And the bit at the end where we all wave little Union Jacks and sing Land of Hope and Glory is unbelieveably cheesy

JANET: What are you talking about? I mean the school prom, it’s the end of teerm ball, quite a big thing.

IAN: Oh, I see, nobody over 12 goes to the school dance at home. It sounds a bit naff

JANET : So have you asked anybody yet. It is only just over a week away, you'd better hurry.

IAN : Asked anybody what?



JANET : To be your date for the SCHOOL prom.

IAN : No idea what you are talking about treacle. The proms, or promenade concerts are a series of classical recitals held at the Albert Hall every summer. Not really my scene.

JANET: Well you're here now and the prom is kind of a rite of passage. Everybody tries to get a date because you look like a dork otherwise. So is there nobody you can think of that you would like to ask? There are some teacher around but no parents, and we can get soda and food. Its OK really.

IAN : Ugh. Sounds a frightful bore, no booze and lots of supervision. Think I'll give it a swerver and cut downtown to find some action.

JANET: (disappointed) : Oh --- I - er - a lot of people are hoping you will there.

IAN : Rule one treacle, never go anywhere near school once the bell has gone. I could pop in for a couple of bevvies I s'pose, then head for clubland.

JANET : You just don't get how we do things in this country do you?

IAN : Course I do. Absolutely yeah. What's to get? You don't DO anything. People go to bed at ten p.m. Going to church counts as a good time. Back in dear old Blighty only the grots would be at the school dance. Even teeny - boppers would take the by - pass. Fridays I'm usually in the Marquee, The Flamingo or the Raindow Room and then if I don't cop off I head for the Band On The Wall to hear some dirty jazz. Aw, ya frowning Jan, what's wrong?

JANET : Well I was kind of hoping you might want to ask me to the prom. Everybody thinks I'll be a wallflower because I don't go out much but (sighs) oh its too boring.

IAN : Ya never bore me treacle coz you're such a smashing girl. I'm all ears.

JANET: Well my folks are decent, hardworking people but they both came from poor families and never got to finish their education. They are kind of eager for me to do well because but they had kept me - well, enclosed I guess. They have sacrificed a lot for me to get into a good college so I feel I owe it to them to do well. But I'm entitled to some fun too. You're not like the guys around here, I know I'm a plain Jane but I hoped you would be more sensitive.

IAN : (wiping a tear from his eye) Cor Blimey, (sniff) you're really noble. (turns to camera) A bit of pathos works well with humour. (To Janet) So this prom thing is your only night out in the year? Well of course I'll take ya treacle. It'll be grand.

Janet links his arm and smiles as they walk towards the school gate where a formidable woman with an intimidating bosom is waiting impatiently.

IAN : Blimey, look at that. I though Beowulf had finished her off yonks ago.

JANET : (releasing his arm quickly) Oh no, its my Mom. I told her I was hoping somebody would ask me to the prom and she is checking out who it might be.

IAN : No sweat, a bit of cheeky - chappie charm usually does the trick with uptight mothers.

MRS C : Janet, get in the car. I'm Janet's mother young man, I haven't had the pleasure.

IAN : I guessed that; wha - ha - hey. Never mind Ma C, you might cop off one day.

MRS C : Harrumph

JANET : (Looking horrified) Oh mom, I didn't expect.....I mean.....erm......this is Ian, my date for the prom. I told you about him.

MRS C: (looking at Ian's pink velvet loons and floral shirt and tie) You told me he is English, you didn't say he was from the circus. What would you call those. (She points at his trousers)

IAN : Well, Douglas I suppose if they have to have a name, but at home I'd just call them me best loons.

MRS C : They're pink. You are wearing piunk trousers young man.

IAN : I know. Fab innit?

JANET : Mom, leave it please. Things are different across the pond.

MRS C : Well this is not across the pond, this is Texas and only faggotts wear pink. trousers. And what is this 'across the pond' business. Has he seduced you?

IAN : Savoury Ducks actually.

MRS C : Say what?

IAN : Savoury Ducks. Minced belly pork with onion and sage shaped into balls and fried. Proles eat them with mushy peas and call them faggots but at my school we got them with braised artichokes.

MRS C : Are you trying to be funny young man?

IAN : Trying? Actually I thought I was doing pretty well.

By this time Janet looks as if she would like the ground to swallow her.

MRS C: I was talking about your clothing young man. It is effeminate, exhibitionistic and very inappropriate. What is wrong with jeans?

IAN : You said this gear was effeminate but you want me to wear Jean's, how queer. Fortunately Jean is not my size.

MRS C : We'll talk about this on the way home Janet. (to Ian)As for you, I do not approve of Englishmen.

The Matriarch stomps into the car and Janet follows glumly. Ian give her a cheerful thumbs up and a cheeky grin as she drives away.

IAN : Ta - taa Mrs C, nice to meet you.

Camera looks through the screen of an ancient Rambler called Hubert (my girlfriend in NY in 1966 had an ancient Rambler called Hubert. She said looked like the then V.P. Hubert Humphrey)

MRS C : Janet you cannot be serious about letting that boy take you to the prom.

JANET : Well nobody else is going to ask me.

MRS C: I don't see why you need to go at all. There will be plenty of time for fun when you have finished college with good grades and are earning a decent salary.

JANET : Oh, mom, I've worked so hard, I deserve to go.

MRS C : Then you should go alone. You will get a reputation dating a boy like that. He has sports car eyes.

JANET : I have a reputation already mom, I'm a frump who does not know how to have fun.

MRS C : Well that's no bad thing to be. You don't want to end up pregnant at eighteen like……

JANET : Like you. You think I haven't worked it out? You were married in August, I was born in February. This is my life OK, I can't put right your mistakes.

MRS C : How dare you speak to me like that. You're grounded until after the prom.

JANET : Oh, big deal. You never let me go anywhere anyhow.

They arrive at home, Janet get out of the car quickly and flounces towards the house. We notice how well Janet flounces.

Mrs C : That's right, go off in a huff, but who do you think paid for your flouncing lessons Madam? You would be nothing without your father and me.

*

The next day, in school. Mary - Beth, Becky - Lou and Janet are sitting on a bench in class. Close up un the girls as a teachers voice drones in the background.

MARY - BETH: So who is the English guy taking to the prom?

BECKY - LOU: Why should I care?

MARY - BETH: He did not ask you then.

BECKY - LOU: I got plenty of guys want to take me, not like some people (she looks at Janet)

MARY - BETH: If I was you Janet Caldwell, I would not even show my face at the prom.

BECKY - LOU: Yeah, you're gonna be the biggest wallflower ever, nobody will even dance with you all night.

MARY BETH: And you'll be wearing some sad old dress your mother made.

BECKY - LOU: I'll be so unsurprised if nobody talks to you all night, you are bor-ing.

JANET: Well as it happens I have a date.

BOTH: What?

MARY BETH: That's impossible.

BECKY - LOU: Nobody would want you to be his date.

MARY BETH: Not even the blind kid in remedial.

JANET: As it happens Ian asked me to go with him.

BOTH: The English Guy?

BECKY - LOU: You bitch, he's my date.

JANET: Did he ask you?

BECKY - LOU: No, but he was gonna.

A bell rings and the pupils spill out of classes into the corridor. Mary - Beth and Becky - Lou grab Billy - Jim - Bob - Joe.

BECKY - LOU: Billy - Jim - Bob - Joe you gotta do something 'bout that English guy.

B-J-B-J: Duh! Da limey faggot, what'd he do?

BECKY - LOU: He stood me up for the prom. He asked Janet.

B-J-B-J: Duh! He axed Janet? Da punk, I ain't standin' for dat.

MARY - BETH: Way to go B-J-B-J, if he ain't gonna take my best friend to the prom you fix it sdo he ain't fit to take anyone.

B-J-B-J: Duh! I don't give a damn who he takes to the prom, s'lon as 't ain't Janet.

Janet, looking cute in her little gingham dress and her blonde pony - tail, has been lingering until Ian emerges from another class . As the Englishman approaches B-J-B-J grabs her by the arm.

B-J-B-J: Duh, Janet, I always thunk you wuz the purtiest girl in town. Duh, how bout bein' my date for the prom?

JANET: I'm sorry B-J-B-J, thank you but I already have a date.

MARY - BERTH and BECKY - LOU: (together, to camera) Oh no, nobody turns down the football star. This means trouble. (Both giggle as B-J-B-J skulks off, followed by Janet's tormentors.)

JANET: Hi Ian.

IAN : Oh hi treacle. How's tricks. Ready for this - um - thingummy thing, pram?

JANET: Mom grounded me but I managed to talk my Dad round so I can go. Oh Ian why can't my parents be normal.

IAN: Sweetie, nobody's parents are normal. That's the rules. My old pops did not care what I was doing so long as I did not interfere with his molesting small furry animals on the estate.

JANET : Prom. (pauses) Ian, you are OK about taking me to the prom aren't you?

IAN: Well I'd rather take you to a Stones gig but yeah. I suppose, why?

JANET: I dunno, you seem like you're not interested.

IAN : Well, I'm here to absorb the culture; hey, what the difference between America and Yogurt? Yogurt has a live culture, wha - hey.

JANET: That's an old joke.

IAN: Its old yogurt. Anyway if a joke is worth doing once its worth doing a thousand times.

JANET : Nut, what are you going to wear, did you bring a tuxedo with you.

IAN: A tuxedo, isn't that something to do with a Glenn Miller record.

JANET: No, a tux is a dinner suit, everybody will have one, its kind of formal wear.

IAN: I have a military frock coat, dress uniform of the King's Own Mounted Foot Regiment. They were in the Crimean War you know. I got it at Kaiser Bill's Batman in Carnaby Street, its like the one Ringo wears on the cover of Sergeant Pepper. Has that been released here yet?

JANET: You're weird, cute but weird, you're always talking about how you're fashionable but you seem to be into stuff that is so not now. I mean Carnaby Street, even here in Houston we know Carnaby Street is not where its happening any more. And Sergeant Pepper, well it’s a great album but the Beatles split in 1971.

IAN: In 1971, but its only 1966.

JANET: Its 1978, if it was 1966 I would only be seven years old.

BOTH: (to camera, speaking together) Oh no, we're in a timewarp.

END OF PART ONE