Timewarp Prom (part 4)
The red sports car driving on another road through flat, scrubby fields. Simon and Garfunkel are singing again, Scarborough Fair this time. As they drive into the city the music changes to something faster and more insistent. The car stops outside a sleazy looking club.
JANET : Ian, this place looks very rough. And look at those women going in, they do not look like nice people (She points to two women, both tall, dressed in gaudy outfits and with large hands and feet, beard shadow on their cheeks and adam's apples.)
IAN : It'll be fine, trust me. Uncle Toby siad we should come if we could get away. I must warn you though old Tobes can seem a little eccentric.
JAN : But its almost ten, is that a little late to be going into a club.
IAN : Nonsense treacle, back in blighty any club worth calling a club does not open 'til eleven.
(They go in. A small band is playing cool jazz and the creatures of the night dance smoochily, drink or just hang around talking and looking louche) Ian scans the room and calls out to a rough looking woman who might be in her forties, she waves back and smiles.
JANET : You have a date here. I should go. I wish I had never gone to the prom at all now. (she starts to cry) I should never have gotten involved with the prom, I was stupid to think my life could ever be normal. Oh Ian, I thought you were different.
IAN : Don't be silly love, course I'm different. Both my legs are shorther than the other, so my feet don't touch the floor. Come and meet Tobias Wolfstan Arbruthnot Thorpe, know to his friends as Toby. (He kisses Jan and gently moves her towards the woman who rises and greets them in a deep voice) Hi Unc, this is my date Jan, isn't she a smasher?
TOBY : (in a booming baritone) I'm probably the worst person to ask. Sorry Janet, you look somewhat taken aback, bit of a cock up in the old gender identity department I'm afraid.
JANET: (taking his outstretched hand) Pleased to meet you sir. (aside to Ian) You Uncle dresses like a woman? Is he - you know?
TOBY : Oh please, there is no need for formality we are all friends here. Sit yerselves down, I'll order the champers. WAITER! Bottle of Champagne, none of that Californian gnat's pee, blanc de noirs from a decent French house. But, I say gel, you do look a picture in that dress. Blondes are always best in blue. Having only seen you from a distance when I dropped the car orf I could not be sure it would fit but it is absolutely perfect.
JANET : (taking his outstretched hand) The dress, It came today from….oh God, OH MY GOD! You are my fairey godfather? (Toby smiles at her) Well to be honest I had to just fill out the bust a little with tissues but that's our girlie secret OK.
TOBY: Safe with me dear. My nephew is besotted with you, you know.
The champagne arrives distracting Toby for a moment.
JANET: (in a stage whisper) Ian, your uncle is dressed in women's clothes (giggles) its kinda cute and I love him to death for my dress but ….. is all your family odd.
IAN: Unc. loves women. Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. He likes women so much he wants to be one. But he knows the best gigs in every major port in the world. Trannies always seem to have their finger on the button.
TOBY: You'll get used to me Janet. All aristocratic families have their looney. Champagne dear? (he places a glass in front of her)
JANET : Er, well maybe I should have a Cherry Cola, my parents don't approve of alcohol.
TOBY: My dear young thing, I don't go in the sort of clubs where you drink Champagne and it tastes just like Cherry Cola, and I'm trying to teach my nephew to be the same. You must start as you mean to go on old girl. Parental disapproval of dates with members of our family is sort of de rigeur you you might as well go the whole hog and get absolutely maunged with us. Now, bubbly. Only drink the best. Cheap or expensive it will give you a whacking head in the morning but the expensive stuff makes feeling shitty seem worthwhile.
Cut to later. There are now four empty bottles on the table. Toby and Ian are giving a wildly out of tune rendering of that well know English folk song "Four and Twenty Virgins Came Down From Inverness" with accompanying mime and Jan, giggling hysterically tugs at Ian's sleeve.
JANET : Its time to go.
IAN: I know love, if I wait any longer I'll pee in me pants. Uncle Tobes will look after you.
(He staggers off, getting groped by several dubious looking women on the way. Pictures pixilates into Ian returning)
TOBY: ….so the cricket match could go either way, it’s the last over and Ian is going to bowl. And his housemaster took him to one side and said "now Thorpey, try to put a good length right into the batman's crease." (Toby and Ian laugh hysterically but Janet knows nothing of the homoerotic nature of cricket. She looks at her watch with a worried expression.)
IAN : (stooping to kiss her wetly) Wow, you're gorgeous. What's up treacle.
JANET : Ian, its past one a.m. how are we going to get back? My mom will kill us.
IAN : I'm not scared love. Bit of the old British stiff upper lip will see us through. ( He takes a Union Jack handkerchief from his pocket and starts to wave it as he and Toby sing the rude version of "Land of Hope and Glory")
JANET: (to camera) So Dad was right, they are all crazy. But you know what, it’s the most fun I've ever had.
Ian speaks to Uncle Toby who talks into his handbag
UNCLE TOBY : Well off you jolly well go kiddywinks. The chaps will be here in no time and they'll drop you off in Hippie Hollow in less than half an hour. Awfully nice to meet you Jan and be gentle with him.
Ian and Jan stagger towards the door propping each other up.
JANET : How are we going to get home, you are not fit to drive.
IAN : All taken care of treacle. (They emerge from the club. A military helicopter is hovering over the parking lot and some service men are attaching slings to the sports car. Fade to black)
*
Sunrise is reflecting on a placid lake, painting its waters pink and orange. In the distance, facing the water, is a small car with two people in it. Cut to a view through the windshield, a pretty blonge girl with smudged make - up begins to stir from a deep sleep.
JANET : Ian, Ian wake up (she shakes her companion) Its morning. We've been here all night.
IAN: Mmmm - mmm - gimme a cuddle Nanny, tell me 'bout 3 Billy Goats Gruff again.
JANET: Ian, its Jan, your date. We were supposed to be home at eleven and its morning and ….and…. Ian why are my pants on the dashboard (cut to camera crew waving and cheering) Oh God, what have we done. I'll get pregnant and and…..
IAN: Oh, Hi Jan, lovely morning. Where are we?
JANET: Well we're not home. And I need the bathroom.
IAN: What out here. Theres a travel bag in the glove compartment with soap and stuff but can't you wait til we get to a motel and then take a shower.
JANET: No Ian, I need the bathroom right now.
IAN: Sorry treacle but is a bit of an inconvenient time to be having a bath. I'm just off behind those bushes for a waz. See you.
JANET: For God's sake Ian I need to pee.
IAN : Well why didn't you say. You'll have to go behind the bushes with me.
(He leaps out of the car and runs off. Janet flounces after him)
(Camera lingers on the bushes, there is a lot of splashing and sighing)
IAN: You're peeping, give over.
JANET: Well you must be peeping at me or you wouldn't know I'm peeping at you. Anyway after what we must've done last night what's left to peep at?
(They giggle then emerge from the bushes and return to the car)
JANET : I am dead. I'm absolutely dead. If mom does not kill me before breakfast I'm gonna be the school slut and nobody will ever date me. Oh Ian, I trusted you, now what am I going to do.
IAN : Y'know Jan, I've only known you a short while but I'm tremendously fond of you and - um - I'd - er - that is er - well, if you are willing to slip your finger into my ring I'm sure we could have a really good relationship. Wha - ha - hey. Anyway smalltown life seems an awful bore and Unc. said if you want to get away with me we can meet his ship in San Francisco and he'll get us back to the old motherland. What d'y say Jan.
JANET : Go back to England and live with you.
IAN : Yeah, why not. We can go to your house after the ogres go to work, get your stuff and head off towards the sunset like er - like er -
JANET : John Wayne
IAN : I was thinking about Thelma and Louise. Well are you up for it.
JANET : What the hell, of course I am. But where will we live, and how will we pay the rent?
IAN : Oh don't worry about that.
(fade to black, credits roll over long shot of the sports car speeding through the desert towrds distant mountains)
IAN : So take your pick, the pad in Chelsea or Thorpe Hall which is a little old place in the country. 27 bedrooms so all your friends can come to stay, but the ballroom is ever so tiny.
JANET : Well I guess I could manage, and being Lady Janet does not sound too much of a chore. So when do I get to have my finger in your ring?
Ian : What?
JANET: The ring, you haven't got one have you?
Ian : Course I have baby, everybody has. I'll explain later.
Credits roll as the car recedes into the distance. We see that Ian is kissing Janet long and deep as they drive at 100mph.
JANET : Shouldn't you watch the road.
IAN : This is the movies, nobody ever watches the road when they are driving.
Fade to black. Simon and Garfunkel sing "Deet tee dee deee dee deet tee tee teedumdeet dee dee."
