M'buti is very hard on herself, and she sees herself as ugly, even when others feel otherwise.
January 13, 2004~
Translated from the Maasai language of Maa~
This is M'buti. I am NOT having a very good day, I am afraid...
I was at the restaurant with my husband and children, and it happened again...people staring at me and making me uncomfortable with their comments. I try to believe that I am beautiful, but whenever I look in the mirror, it's as though my husband slapped me in the face or people run away whenever they see me. It's bad enough that I am in a chair or use a frame or sticks for walking; do people have to make comments about how I look, too?
Ever since I was burned several years ago and then had flesh eating disease and lost all that weight, I have been having a very hard time with my health. I am still skinny for my height, and whenever I see myself in a mirror, I turn away in shame. I still look like I have slim disease--AIDS, or, as I call it in my country, ukimwi--, and I think that I am very ugly. People say that I am beautiful, but I don't FEEL beautiful. I feel as ugly as sin, and I don't feel good a lot of the time. I am battling chronic pain in my body, and sometimes the pain is so intense I can't get out of bed, as I don't have the strength, and the pain takes my breath away, and I also have to battle extremely low blood pressure; and it takes me a while to get started when I get up. I have to take medications to help my muscle pains and my blood pressure, and at times I am so dizzy and lightheaded, I am scared that I am going to faint! I also get tired and windy when I try to walk or use my chair; and it doesn't take long for me to start breathing funny, and then I need some oxygen to help me.
I look at myeslf in the mirror, and I cry because all I see are the scars or the wrinkles; and this is why I think I am ugly. I have been through so much in my life; and it's affected my health and my mind; and it is enough to make me want to kill myself at times. I get so upset and frustrated, and every time I try to get my life back in order, something always seems to happen, and I am waiting for the ball to drop now. I think I may be doing fine, but then something happens (me fainting in front of people, or my having a dizzy spell or falling down again and hurting myself), and then it's back to the beginning; and then I have to fight twice as hard to get back to where I was before I had my latest problem.
People, whenever they see me, think I am happy, but the truth is I am NOT. I am very unhappy with myself, and I don't like myeslf. My husband and my friends try to cheer me up, but I can't help HOW I feel at times, and I sometimes wish I were still in Africa; I miss my homeland, and I miss my brothers; and I wonder if they are ashamed of me because of my being sick a lot of the time. I also wonder if I would be any good to my friends back in Africa or wonder how I would be able to take care of the men, the house, and the cooking when I have such a hard time getting around by myself.
My life has been hard ever since I come to America, and I am afraid it isn't getting any easier. I try to be a very good wife and mother to my husband and my children, but most of the time it's my HUSBAND who has to do everything, and then I feel ashamed; and I then wonder if he is thinking of leaving me because he has to do so much for me. Physically, I am unable to do a lot; I get tired so easily, and I just can't handle the stress much longer. I sometimes wonder if it were better that I were dead, like mama and baba; maybe it would be best for me....
I am sorry, but I can't write any more; I am crying too hard, and my eyes have become wet...
What a talent you do have my dear friend!
Your stories are so very real! I have to think twice
that this is fiction! I know how M'buti feels though.
I have felt like that myself in the past.
Excellent story!
Suspenseful and close to home, Rain of Deception 2 will leave you in Tears. Much like Part 1, this will shocking sequel will keep you on the edge of your fingertips.
Spoken Word
This CD will touch the deepest inner part of your humanness and spirit, you will never be the same after listening to the depths of struggle, the reality of life, the touching voice of truth. It will shock you, move you to tears. It w
January 13, 2004~
