Why do we Americans get so freakin'' predictable when it comes to believing EVERYTHING that spews out of the idiot box? Take the network evening news. It''s at the point now to where it critics gives news two thumbs down, and Comedy Central "two thumbs and a whoop-whoop up." But alas, I used to believe some of that gullible stuff when I used to work for "da Gubmint." Forgive me readers, for I have sinned against common sense, believing every government-approved statistic that ever slithered out of Washington D.C. on its overcompensated politically correct belly. What''s worse, I got paid well to do it. But friends, I have repented of my erroneous ways. No longer do I memorize acronyms that have no meaning to the average American. I picked up my Cross pen, gathered up empty toilet paper scrolls, and proceeded to write midnight musings from the inner poet that yearned to escape from the clutches of the realm I dub(''ya): "Status QU-WOAH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-ooooooooooh." One of the juicy tidbits of my pasty (I mean past) government lifestyle was listening to the president of these so-called United States give the State of The Union address. Well, since Bush really doesn''t believe in Unionization, we may want to change that to "State of the Perception Excuse." Why? Well, Texas George wants to cut spending on education for us po''folk, and increase money for random drug testing. And I never thought I''d this, but for once I actually agree with that recovering alcoholic. I''m sure he danced with many a Texas brew and woke up on the wrong side of a longhorn cow once or twice, but I really think he has a point. I''d just like to make a few little "alterations" in his drug testing plan: Having once networked with the Office of National Drug Control Policy under former Director Lee P. Brown (when I had no life), it''s nice to see that the ONDCP is still chasing down the bad guys, or in this case, the suspicious kid next door. But I have a question. What is the ONDCP doing about about random drug testing for: A. Parents B. Teachers C. Columbian cartel coffee drinkers (caffeine will make you do crazy mess!) D. Law enforcement E. Drivers with pets on their lap or babies behind the wheel F. Presidential hopelesses and hopefuls (and if they were getting graded, it would be the very letter of this entry) GEE! Public officials H. Tax auditors I. Bus drivers J. Amtrak conductors K. NYC taxi cab drivers L. Air traffic personnel M. Enron crooks N. The man or woman on the street, and: OOH-ooooooooooh." Any sport involving hitting, kicking, smacking, punting, rolling, chucking, pitching, flinging, slapping, crawling, aiming, tossing, or scooting in order to score a points? Well ya''ll, guess that makes society safe for all the drunks. Bottoms up y''all! Bust all them gol''durn drug users. Yeehaw!!! © 2004 by cynth''ya lewis reed