My name is Julie Mae Uecker (Yoo-kur is how you say my last name; it's German), and I am 15 years old.
I am also an anorexic. I suffer from anorexia nervosa, which I will explain shortly.
I suffer from anorexia nervosa, which is a baffling yet disturbing disorder affecting many young people, and I am often perceived as being fat whenever I look at myself in the mirror. I see myself in a mirror, and I think I look gross; I think I have all this excess fat hanging off my body when in reality I may be skinny or weigh less than 100 pounds (which I DO; I am 5'5" tall, and I weigh 97 pounds). I don't know why I think I am fat when I am NOT, but this is how anorexia works, and I do everything in my power to try to keep the weight off, and I diet and exercise very regularly. I am always counting calories that enter my body, and I stay away from fattening foods as best as I can, but once in a great while, the temptation becomes too great, and I end up having something like ice cream or cookies or cake; and then I try to get rid of it by forcing myself to vomit.
It is NOT fun when I do this, but I have a sickness, and sometimes I can't help myself. I don't know WHY I think I am fat, but I just do; and people are always telling me I am too skinny for my height, and they can't understand why I keep on losing weight. They say I look terrible, like a skeleton, and they are very worried and concerned; but this is how anorexia affects me. It distorts my thinking, and it also distorts how I see myself; and sometimes I can't help but to fall into its trap.
I have ended up in the hospital because of my anorexia, and I hate it because I am often forced to eat fattening stuff, and when I am done, I think I look like a bloated pig; and I often feel awful, and I feel ashamed that I am doing this to myself. But then I get the weight back, and when I am at my ideal weight, I then act like things are okay; but then I look in that stupid mirror, and I again see the fat pig staring back at me, and then it is back to the exercises, the counting of calories, and eating non-fattening foods. I then lose the weight, and if I do get "weak" and eat something like fries, hamburgers, or sweet stuff like cake or cookies, I then force myself to vomit, and then it starts all over again. It's like a vicious circle I can't escape, and it is going to start affecting my health if I am not careful.
My mom and doctors are always telling me of the dangers of a.n. (heart, lung, kidney failure, etc.), and that I could die; but I still feel trapped, and I don't know what to do. I am scared to tell mom and dad that I am still dieting and perceiving myself as fat, and I am afraid that if they knew I was still starving myself, they would be very disappointed in me, and then I would have to go back into the hospital with a tube in my arm or worse, a tube in my nose, as a way of getting precious nutrients lost from my stupid dieting back into my system.
Shine is designed to help you build a firm belief in yourself and your abilities and empower you to navigate life’s ups and downs with grace and resilience
Author R.L. Mitchley, gets some help from his close friend Elias, as they franticly work to reunite Bob with three of his deceased family members, Grammy, Pappy & Arlene for one last time...
My name is Julie Mae Uecker (Yoo-kur is how you say my last name; it's German), and I am 15 years old.
